To have expected a bunch of flowers or just a "Thank you"?

[Misunderstood48]

I have posted in AIBU rather than relationships as there is more traffic here and I need completely honest opinions as it really has been bugging me for a while.

I moved 3 hours away from family when I was 6 months pregnant as my partner had to do a year out from university and he chose to do it 3 hours away rather than near our family (He had the choice, I only found this out after we moved away).

It has been a very hard year, having my baby away from family, Being alone all day every day for over a year and a half now. I was diagnosed with PND 4 months ago and I came off of the tablets a month ago as I had terrible side effects so the doctor said the only option was to go on stronger tablets but that meant seeing a specialist and that I wouldn't be able to look after my baby for a while as they are likely to give you migraines, hallucinations and suicidal thoughts. So I decided that (As I didn?t have any help and my DP would not let me go home for a while) to come off of the tablets and cope without them. I then started to get panic attacks whenever I went out with my baby so I haven?t attended any baby groups (I did try one but it ended with me shaking and becoming very upset which caused a lot of confused looks and a lot of staring so I just left) so it has literally been me on my own with my DS, I can manage a trip to the park everyday but that?s about as far I can go without becoming panicky.

It has been extremely hard but I am feeling a lot better than I was, we are moving back near family as DP has completed his ?Year out? and for 2 weeks he has constantly been going out with work, for lunches, to the pub, out for meals etc. We are moving tomorrow and I am left to sort things out on my own as he is going out again tonight.

AIBU to expect a ?Thank you for doing this year for me? or just a bunch of flowers to just show a bit of appreciation or am I being over sensitive? Please be honest.

Op he sounds very wanky, sorry he does. Where do I start. Do you really want someone who lies, does not respect or listen to you in your life. You are very you g you really need to think long and hard whether you want a long term relationship with this idiot

Are you close to your parents as i would seriously consider moving with them where you will get proper support and respect

Cute my feelings exactly, I want to do that to. Scoop you up and give you a mahooosive hug, really you are young op this man in controlling, kier and disrespects you

I'm sorry but he sounds like a dick. I haven't had it nearly as rough as you but my DH has responded really well to me whenever I've said that I feel very lonely being cooped up inside all day (been poorly and immobile with pg) and he has gone to some effort to spend more time with me or help me get out more.

Please talk to him (if you haven't already) because it sounds like he's being totally selfish and he may not realise it.

Or he's being selfish, knows he's being selfish and doesn't care.

I wouldn't be packing up any of his stuff, either.

She has tried talking to him but dismisses her feelings and puts it round to him and what he wants. If not this very minute, in the future go home to people who will care and support you, he cannot stop you. You are young with your whole life ahead of you, don't need this

Your partner is a real piece of work, and seems incapable of thinking of anyone but himself.
When you get back to where you can get some support from family and friends you should seriously consider your future with this COCK man.

Phone your family up tell them what is hapoening

Thank you so much for the replies, It feels so much better being able to tell you all how im feeling rather than think about it all the time.

I am not very close with my family, The last time i saw them it was like talking to a bunch of strangers. Our past has alot to do with our distant relationship, but i won't get into that.

My DM absolutey loves my DP and she said that i have been very lucky there, She has always said this. I haven't told her about it, she knows about my PND and about the tablets but i didn't tell her all of the details as i didn't want her to worry i also haven't told her about DP as i don't want to jeopardize his relationship with my family as they get along so well. I also get upset on the phone sometimes but i change the subject as soon as i feel as though i am going to cry as i don't want to become more upset/upset my DM.

All i want is a bit of affection from DP and understanding, I have found things extremely hard, I am not a demanding person but i do feel strongly (I don't know why) about him just saying "Thanks" or something like that for this year.

Sorry if it seems like i am feeling sorry for myself, Im not; i know that i am very lucky compared to some people out there but it feels like such a weight off of my shoulders being able to talk about it.

*It feels so much better being able to tell you all how im feeling rather than think about it all the time".
This is why we all lurve MN

Poor you. I felt like that. My DH spent four years training for another profession in the evenings whilst working full-time in the day. We had two babies /toddlers and I felt very alone. The course involved him being away for a lot of weekends, and being out with his fellow students in the evenings socialising. Neither of our children slept and we had no money, because it was all spent on the course. Some women are just givers mugs.

I have to say that, whilst it's financially worked out for the best in the end, the fact he didn't appreciate what I was going at a critical point in my life still niggles, 16 years on. You really have to talk to him. Perhaps write a letter.

going I mean 'feeling'. Doh.

Hmm. Your mum is wrong about your DP, and I think you possibly do need to tell her, even if she will worry. She'll probably feel worse if she realizes she didn't know how bad things were with you.

I don't want to pry into your family relationship - but is there anyone at all you can look to for a bit of support.

You don't come across as remotely 'demanding' - if fact, far too un-demanding!

I think the first thing you need to do is plan out a strategy. Talking about this must be a relief (because you've been being so hard on yourself). But practically, it won't achieve anything if talking on here is all you do.

Can you talk to him? If so, can you set out for yourself what you want to change? You do deserve change here. He is not being fair. Really, he's not.

If you think it's beyond talking, are you going to be able to stay with him? It's a horrible thought, but your health is obviously quite seriously affected here, and if he's not going to change, you are facing 18 years in which he is going to crush you down if he carries on acting this way.

Well you need to tell your mum about your dp. If I were your mum I most certainly would want to know if my dd was unhappy. It does not matter one jot if your family like him, reality is he is a controlling wanker and you need to think long and hard about what's best for you and your ds. You are very young do yo want to spend the rest of your life 50 years plus with a controlling, disrespectful lire, he will run you into the ground

Ha ha LRD is the voice of reason, I'm pro-violence (in this case) and pigletmania is the middle ground, take your pick

Agree to telling your mum how you feel. Even if she sides with him, (worst-case scenario) then at least you know where you stand. Better out in the open TBH

Btw, I had a wanker ex. Nothing like so bad as this (as we didn't have children), but he did decide unilaterally we were going to live a very long way from my family and friends and he did cut me off from them. My parents also claimed to love him - turned out they actually thought he was a tosser but didn't know how to tell me.

I wish they had, but I'm raising the possibility your mum comes across as if she loves this bloke because she is really wanting it to work, and doesn't see the full picture of what an arse he is being.

What about his parents, too? What sort of relationship do they have/want with their grandchild?

Sounds like you are trying to please everyone all of the time. Trying to please your DP by giving him an easy life, not telling your Mum how it is, because you don't want her to worry & you want everyone to like your DP - WHAT ABOUT YOU?
You are so young & you are embarking on a life of trying to do the right thing by everyone, while you are trodden underfoot. Please have a real think about your approach here - particularly with your DP. You really can change the course of this relationship, by not doing so much & being a bit more feisty & getting him to pull his weight.

So your dp would not "let" you go home for a while to be looked after whilst you were ill?

So he's offered you no support whilst you were ill? No help with the baby? And he wouldn't let you go somewhere where you could access that help?

He's been out enjoying himself for the past 2 weeks, living the life of a bachelor whilst you've been left with the enormous task of packing by yourself, with a baby?

You ask for help for ONCE in your life and he accuses you of trying to ruin his last week at work. No mention of the fact that he's ruined a year of your life then?

Tell me now, what do you see in this guy?

You have had a truly horrible year, and frankly I would not expect a "thank you" at the end of it at all - because there should have been an ongoing appreciation of your forbearance THROUGHOUT the year. And there obviously hasn't been.

I do wonder if, through "distant" family relationships, you have been vulnerable to making a poor choice of partner. (Not what you want to hear, I appreciate, but we are all the sum of our experiences, and our past does often shape our choices.) That you are not telling your mother the full truth of your partner is a big red flag to me. Very worrying.

You are 19 so I am assuming he's around that age too? And I have to say he is behaving much, much younger. Has he ever lived independently, by which I mean not with his parents and not with you? Because expecting you to handle the move alone smacks of an adolescent expecting his parents to see to the big stuff, leaving him free to play on his Xbox of responsibility. You are NOT his mother, but he seems to me to be expecting you to fill that role, taking on all the responsibility so that he can shirk it.

Keeping secrets from you (re where he could do his year out) to deny you any say, being unsupportive himself, removing you from your friends and family who could have supported you through this difficult time (pregnancy, birth, first year), expecting you to look after him when he does nothing reciprocal - it's really not good, is it? Along with your mother's comment that you "have been very lucky there" (could be a supportive comment but could also be the opposite depending on context) I am left wondering if you have some self-esteem issues that led you to putting up with the shit he has been dishing out. Personally I would have walked out and back to my parental home the same day I found out that he had concealed the more local option that he had for his year out, but that is me, and now; and I'm pretty sure at 18/19 the same me would have been unsure and paralysed by shock at him having done that to me.

I am particularly concerned by your comment that "my DP would not let me go home for a while", because it seems pretty clear to me that you really could have benefited from doing so. May I ask what reason he gave for this, and how exactly did he prevent you?

Thank you all for your support.

My DP is 24 and moved out of his parents home when he was 18, I had never been away from home for longer than a week.

When DP said that i couldnt go to my parents house for a while his reason was that "He doesn't run a hotel and if you go you won't be coming back".

The reason that my DM said "You were lucky there" is that DP is extremely good looking and smart however i am very average. She said that the first time she met him and has continued to say it.

I do not know how to tell my DM because she does love him and i dont want to create an awkwardness between us all.

His family do not like me and they never have saying that i trapped DP by getting pregnant (DS was very much wanted and planned), I have always had the impression that i am not good enough for DP from them.

I do love him, I couldnt imagine life without him but its just this one thing that has bothered me.

He doesn't run a hotel?!

Erm ... but you are the one at home holding the baby, I think if anyone is running a hotel, it is you.

I'm sorry, but he sounds like an abusive dickhead.

I really believe that your mum would change her mind about him if she knew he'd said that. It is a truly horrible thing to say.

I think you need to write letters to both sets of parents, explaining that your DS was wanted and planned, that your DP has said this thing, and that you have PND. They need to know. If his parents continue to behave as they are doing, screw them. But you should say something.

I get that you love him but the way he is behaving is not excusable. He may change (it's possible), but he won't if you don't put your foot down. You can do this.

He sounds absolutely awful tbh.

How have you trapped him?

If he didn´t want a baby he could have used contraception himself!

He sounds selfish & inconsiderate, if not controlling.

Google "emotionally abusive relationships" - here's an article

The way he is isn't normal and it's not you. It's him.