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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ban MIL from seeing DS for the forseeable future?

74 replies

WithoutCaution · 27/09/2012 13:26

I can deal with her 'need' to bath DS 3-4 times each day she has him as yes he will find the muddiest part of the garden/ spill his dinner etc and she is a little bit OCD about cleanliness

I can also deal with her 'need' to read him bible stories I will be telling him that they are fairy tale stories and in no way fact

But I can't deal with her 'need' to inform me that DS spending time with my brother and his DH is wrong and that I'm damaging my DS by letting him be around homosexuals DS is apparently going to grow up to be just as confused as my DB if I continue to let my DS see him

I may have become a little bit pissed off and may have mentioned that my DB and his DH will be our DSs guardians if anything should happen to me and DH. MIL didn't take the news very well bit of an understatement-

But AIBU in not wanting her near DS I don't want her to fill his head with her silliness I know he's only 1 so isn't likely to understand what she means and I'm probably being a bit PFB. DH thinks I should over look it to keep the peace but I really don't think I can.

OP posts:

BlueSkySinking · 27/09/2012 18:39

''how dare you be disrespectful of my brother, this will be the last time you see DS if you continue with this unacceptable behaviour''

HoneyMum21 · 27/09/2012 18:42

Never posted in this forum before but had to respond to this. YANBU - your MIL sounds vile. I have been setting some ground rules about my MIL with DH for when DS is born in a few weeks but having read what yours has been doing and saying i'm actually starting to think mine isn't too bad.

I keep starting to type sentences about her comments but having to delete them as they don't express quite how angry i'd be if my MIL said/did anything like this. Supervised visits might be worth thinking about if she can behave reasonably but i think you need to get your DH on side first and then have a long talk with your MIL about what is acceptable if she still wants to be involved with your DS's life.

missymoomoomee · 27/09/2012 18:43

I was fuming today when some woman at the school had a go at me for telling my 4yo dd that I don't care if she marries a boy or a girl when she is older as long as she is happy, apparently (as dd had asked a couple of questions previously in the same conversation and I answered her honestly in an age appropriate manner) 'I am encouraging her to be one of them '.

I would be livid at this.

YANBU at all.

HoneyMum21 · 27/09/2012 18:48

Yup Missy - sounds like you're pushing your DD over to the dark side...!

(sorry, just to make sure it is clear, i am joking with that comment as it is such a ludicrous situation)

hzgreen · 27/09/2012 18:51

Hell no YANBU!

IMHO the bible stories aren't too big a deal because as you say you can explain that they are just stories, however if she is using them to brain wash him with homophobic crap then it's a bit more of an issue!

the continual washing - it would be awful for your DS to start to feel like he is dirty. and wow if anyone spoke about my brother like that there would be hell to pay.

i'm with BlueSkySinking and i hope this would be my approach in a similar situation but if you feel supervised access is a viable option than i applaud your willingness to keep the peace.

hzgreen · 27/09/2012 18:52

i don't think i coul be that accomodating though...

SpicyPear · 27/09/2012 18:56

YANBU. At all.

missymoomoomee · 27/09/2012 18:56

Yes honey just in case my brainwashing during the day doesn't work I have a tape I play while they sleep too, I need to be thorough in my encouragement

I was so shocked I just told her I was talking to my daughter not to her. Within about 1 minute I thought of about a million comebacks, but alas it was too late.

Blatherskite · 27/09/2012 18:56

YANBU!

pointythings · 27/09/2012 19:05

IMO the obsessive washing and the homophobia are equally bad - that is, very. The last thing you want your DS to learn is phobia about basic dirt - that way lies serious mental illness, as evidenced by your MIL.

You can counter the Bible stories, but the other two things are grounds for no unsupervised contact.

Jux · 27/09/2012 19:57

Can you talk to your gp to get a bit of official health professional back-up wrt the excessive washing?

Vis a vis the homophobia, I wonder if your brother could be persuaded to come round to yours at the same time she does, so she doesn't get a chance to express such tripe? Or would she, anyway? Perhaps you could laugh st what she says? Sme people do say funny things and you could treat it like that (even though it's not)?

When dd started coming home from MIL and sFIL's, saying things about common people, black people etc, we would just burst out laughing and tell her that sFIL was a pompous idiot (he is) and MIL was very sweet but batty (she is). DD learnt quickly not to take those sort of things coming from them seriously.

Serendipity30 · 27/09/2012 20:53

TheCraicDealer: This Just tell her straight about your DB, something like, "you're entitled to your opinion, but please remember that X is my brother and DS's uncle. It's unacceptable to talk about him disrespectfully, whatever your views on his lifestyle". And clamp down on the bathing- I'm wincing thinking about the poor wee poppet's skin!

The above is all the OP has to do, if said inlaw continues said behavior then take further action. In no way did i say the behavior was acceptable, but when dealing with family members you dont have to be so knee jerk. Also if she is then able to rectify her behavior you need to respect her as well. Its a two way street.

Serendipity30 · 27/09/2012 20:54

Most of the people on this thread are ironically very intolerant of other peoples views and religion.

babybythesea · 27/09/2012 20:56

The homophobia would get to me.
I have a relative who is now nearly 50 (I'll call him A) - he's technically not family (no blood relation) but his parents and him have been friends with our family forever so we think of them as family - they come to all our family occasions, we call them Auntie and Uncle (his parents), and they don't really have much family of their own etc etc.

A is gay. We all know - I finally worked it out when I was about 15 because up until then I'd not really thought about - he was (and is) just A. He won't admit it. I have no idea what he thinks we'd do if we knew but it's not something I'm prepared to bring up. It has to be something he does if and when he is ever comfortable with it. He did admit it once, to one family member, when he was very very drunk. The response he got was "Do you honestly think it matters to any of us? Do you honestly think we'd love you less, think less of you, that you'd belong less? Nobody cares about what you are, we care about who you are - you're you and that's enough for us." He doesn't seem to remember the conversation though so it's gone on in this shroud of secrecy.
I can only think he's ashamed, and I know he's had periods of being deeply unhappy with his life.

I find it nigh on impossible to let a homophobic view, or even a snide comment, go unchallenged because it feels like a personal attack on him. If people were more tolerant, or even just kept their mouths shut, then maybe he could have been happier in his own skin. Anyone trying to pollute my children with those views wouldn't get a second chance.
Which isn't reasonable, maybe, but then I'm not with this. Maybe in your shoes I'd go with supervised contact, but I'd also have to have clear 'rules' about what would cause me to sever contact completely, so that MIL knew where she stood from the outset.

As a complete aside, I went to see Sandi Toksvig on tour recently. She talked about coming out publicly because her children were starting school and she wanted them to be able to talk freely with their peers, not worry about what they should and shouldn't be saying. then her daughter came home from school one day, aged about six, saying "Mummy, a girl said you are a lesbian." She said her heart sank - she wondered if this was the starting point for bullying etc, so she said "Yes, that's right, we've talked about it haven't we? What did you say?" And her daughter said "I thought she was one of those ignorant people you have talked about, so I said: Yes she is. Can I give you any information on that?"

babybythesea · 27/09/2012 21:02

Shera04
What I find disgusting about homophobia is not that someone doesn't want it for themselves (a lot of us don't), but that people with that view seem to feel free to dictate how other people should live their lives, often causing unhappiness. If it doesn't affect you, butt out. It doesn't affect OP's MIL - no-one is asking her to be in a same-sex relationship, so it should be absolutely no concern of hers whether the OP's brother is or not. She can have an opinion - she cannot use it to dictate who someone else's child has access to, especially when that person is also the child's relative. Why should we tolerate hatred of a group of people based on who they fancy?

hzgreen · 27/09/2012 21:11

I agree with you babybythe sea, people are of course entitled to their preferences, opinions and religious beliefs etc but i would not stand of anyone being so disrespectful to my brother especially around my DS, that's his uncle after all!

GlaikitFizzog · 27/09/2012 21:12

Well said babybythesea. I am not religious, but I respect others beliefs regardless of whether I agree with them. But as soon as they think that anyone who disagrees is wrong, then in my view they lose their argument.

Imagine the ops brother was a bin man. And ops mil said she didn't think op should expose her dcs to her brother because he was working class/maybe a bit smelly/a bin man, we'd all be saying the same thing, she is clearly bonkers and so far up her own arse it's terrifying.

Serendipity30 · 27/09/2012 22:40

Woah, dont direct your anger at me. My statements are based on how OP could deal with the relationship she has with her inlaw and how she can adress the issue and limit the fall out in her family. You do not know my views on homosexuality or homophobia. You know what who gives a fuck, im tired of posters only reading what they want to read, when others do not agree with them blindly. If you all want to paint the mother inlaw as some kind of she devil thats up to you. Maybe OP should have thought about the family she was marrying into before she had a child.

echt · 28/09/2012 04:32

*shera04

" Maybe OP should have thought about the family she was marrying into before she had a child."

So helpful. And would this be your sentiment had the OP's family been...ooh, black?

deleted203 · 28/09/2012 04:41

Cleanliness is next to Godliness......is next to homophobia. I take it she's a committed Christian by her 'Christian' attitude? YANBU. I wouldn't leave her alone with my child.

MollyMurphy · 28/09/2012 05:09

no, I wouldn't ban her (tempting I'm sure).....supervised access is the best solution IMO. Your DH needs to support you - your MIL is totally out of line and needs to keep her bigotted views to herself. I would make your expectations quite clear and when she's inappropriate show her the door or politely leave. Keep it civil on your part and let her flail about as she will.

echt · 28/09/2012 07:10

MollyMurphy's advice is good.

It's about her keeping her views to herself/being polite/STFU, call it what you will.

The washing ? Same thing. The fact that her insistence on the washing is based on an MH issue is beside the point. It shouldn't be imposed on your child.

Now I think of it, both behaviours are based on irrational beliefs. :o

Kalisi · 28/09/2012 07:26

I wouldn't ban her seeing him, she's entitled to her opinion and all that jazz but I wouldn't let her look after him any more unsupervised. Then you can witness her odd behaviour/homophobic views as and when they occur and pull her up on it.

PaulInHolland · 28/09/2012 08:44

shera04 - people are not being intolerant about religion-they are being (rightly) intolerant about discrimination based upon religious views.

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