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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban MIL from seeing DS for the forseeable future?

74 replies

WithoutCaution · 27/09/2012 13:26

I can deal with her 'need' to bath DS 3-4 times each day she has him as yes he will find the muddiest part of the garden/ spill his dinner etc and she is a little bit OCD about cleanliness

I can also deal with her 'need' to read him bible stories I will be telling him that they are fairy tale stories and in no way fact

But I can't deal with her 'need' to inform me that DS spending time with my brother and his DH is wrong and that I'm damaging my DS by letting him be around homosexuals Hmm DS is apparently going to grow up to be just as confused as my DB if I continue to let my DS see him Angry

I may have become a little bit pissed off and may have mentioned that my DB and his DH will be our DSs guardians if anything should happen to me and DH. MIL didn't take the news very well bit of an understatement-

But AIBU in not wanting her near DS I don't want her to fill his head with her silliness I know he's only 1 so isn't likely to understand what she means and I'm probably being a bit PFB. DH thinks I should over look it to keep the peace but I really don't think I can.

OP posts:
Original poster
WithoutCaution · 27/09/2012 13:56

Lemon - She bathes him that often when she baby sits because she has to if he gets dirty - a wet wipe just isn't enough apparently. She also has to wash his clothes if he gets the tiniest amount of dirt on them. I actually think she has OCD non of DHs family can see it though Confused

She gets very twitchy when she comes to ours as DS is not sparkling and will try to touch her when he is dirty.

OP posts:
monsterchild · 27/09/2012 14:00

That's just wrong on so many levels. the bathing is likely part and parcel with the other stuff, cleanliness and godliness and all that.

I would agree to supervised visits only. That way they get to see him, but you can stop the bathing and the slandering of your DB. And keep some of the peace. If you can't stand to be around her to protect your son, you'll have to keep him away, as it isn't fair at this age for him to be with her and unprotected.

Not that she'll do anything overt, but the OCD and homophobia isn't a good way to start. It seems to generate a lot of fear in children.

the stories aren't such a big deal, that is much easier to deal with. My DSD goes to a slightly fundie church with her mom, but we discuss some of her questions and fears, and she is much more tolerant and balanced in her philosophy now.

Original poster
WithoutCaution · 27/09/2012 14:02

I think that a long talk with DH about MIL is definitely in order. Though if it's anything like the last one he'll just bury his head in the sand. I did phone my own mum who was incredibly Angry and has suggested that she has DS on the ILs day.

OP posts:
SaraSidle · 27/09/2012 14:03

You are up against it then

Is she also rascist?

OwlLady · 27/09/2012 14:03

apart from anything else, he is your brother and how bloody dare she dictate who your son can and can't see and how dare she speak about your brother like that. i would be livid

MyLastDuchess · 27/09/2012 14:05

So what happens when he goes to school and meets kids whose parents are 2 men or 2 women? Maybe it's just more common where I live but I there are two couples in my circle of mama friends who are female same-sex couples. There is no way I would allow ANYONE to teach my child that there is anything wrong with that. In any case the school would take a dim view if your son started spouting discriminatory nonsense about any child's parents.

I have never understood the 'confusing for the child' argument, after all most gay & lesbian couples have been brought up by hetero parents and it hasn't made them straight! Kids are far more adaptable than adults IMO!

PetiteRaleuse · 27/09/2012 14:05

YANBU. She sounds like she needs help. Was she always like this even raising your dh?

Original poster
WithoutCaution · 27/09/2012 14:07

Supervised visits are a good idea since DS should have the opportunity to know both sets of grandparents. MIL won't like it though as it would mean that she only sees DS for a few hours a month and not a whole day a week + extra pop round visits she'll moan to DH but I can live with that

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 27/09/2012 14:08

yanbu

Original poster
WithoutCaution · 27/09/2012 14:14

I very rarely saw her until we moved up this way since we both agreed that we wanted to have a family near our own families. DH never mentioned that she was quite so odd and when we stayed with them (separate bedrooms since we weren't married - probably should have been a clue) she was fairly normal.

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 27/09/2012 14:14

Agree, just don't let her babysit him. She needs to not have him without you to supervise her bizarre behaviour.

mummytime · 27/09/2012 14:26

Separate bedrooms whilst a bit odd really shouldn't lead on to the rest of it.

Would you employ a child minder like this? I think you are going to have to have a full and frank discussion with your DH. Maybe even bring up the subject when with a group of friends, so they can impress just how unacceptable your MIL is being.

quoteunquote · 27/09/2012 14:29

DS spending time with my brother and his DH is wrong and that I'm damaging my DS by letting him be around homosexuals

I would not allow anyone to tell my children that.

what a vile nasty homophobic person, if you have any respect for your brother and his DH, you will not allow her to poison his nephew against them.

If she can't control what comes out her mouth don't let her near your son, unless you want him to grow up using "gay' as a form of abuse.

as for bible stories, if that(homophobia) is a christian attitude best off bringing your child up with your belief system.

if your husband can't stand up to his parent's homophobic points of views then he is as bad as them.

would he stand by if they said it to your brother's face?

If your son does turn out gay, will they reject him?

elizaregina · 27/09/2012 14:43

without

my MIL has ocd or something too - i have never heard any dirt stories compare to how extreme she is. its been a nightmaer.

i dont go to her house now for a wealth of reasons - but it was alsways stressful being there anyway due to her obsessions and her husband is just as bad!

anyway - she usd to also wash DD as soon as she got there - not several times in one visit - BUT if dd hadnt seen her for a while, and say they only had three hours - she would wash her - hair and all and ALWAYS all her clothes.

I now think enough is enough - when she was younger she probably loved the bath and wouldnt noitce the other implications now she is 4.5 though i think its wrong to expose her to her GM issues on cleanliness, it also opens up a can of worms - is your mother not washing you enough - your mother is letting you get too dirty...

its not right or healthy.

the mind stuff isnt healthy either but i espically take agaisnt the washing as its physical...

the last time DD went alone to GM i did ask DH to say - please dont wash her - and i dont think she did but her whole life philiosphy is that she is better than most as she is cleanist they still talk about cleaning, in her house you know dam well its her house " mind my walls - mind MY floor dont sctracth MY granite, dont touch MY this that adn the fing other!!!
i just dont want my DD exposed to this extremness any more!

Serendipity30 · 27/09/2012 17:21

You don't sound anymore tolerant than she is OP, she is entitled to her own views , all you have to do is ask her to keep them to herself as you find them offensive. Also you need to think about how your DH feels about the situation and try and find a middle ground instead of banning his mother from seeing his child.

ddubsgirl · 27/09/2012 17:25

the bathing 3-4 times in 1 day would do it for me,she will cause loads of problems to his skin :(

KenLeeeeeee · 27/09/2012 17:29

shera04 - I don't see how homophobia is a view that anyone should tolerate, least of all the OP when that prejudice is being directed at her brother and her ds is the one being exposed to it.

OP, YANBU at all. I would absolutely limit it to supervised visits and make it absolutely crystal clear that she is to keep her vile and bigoted views about homosexuality to herself whilst around your son.

DontmindifIdo · 27/09/2012 17:34

Supervised visits only, she doesn't get to do babysitting.

DontmindifIdo · 27/09/2012 17:38

Oh, and at least she's consistant, there are a lot of people who use religion as an excuse for homophobia, they are only concerned with that sin, not others (including other 'straight sex sins' such as sex before marriage), then it's rarely about the religion but about their personal prejudice. (Glimmer of hope?)

Serendipity30 · 27/09/2012 17:39

There are alot of older people who hold these views, you dont need a sledge hammer to crack a nut. OP can deal with the issue in a calm way in partnership with her DH without banning her inlaw from contact.

FredFredGeorge · 27/09/2012 18:15

shera04 A lot of people holding a view doesn't make it acceptable, indeed it probably makes it more in need of firm action against it as it cannot be as easily explained away as a crackpot.

Supervised visits is a perfectly reasonable compromise, currently there are no rights to grand parental access, and even if they were I don't think the courts would be unhappy about requiring supervised under that situation. (And without the OP and DH being seperated I don't even see how it could come up)

Teaching children homophobia is truly awful, whilst it may not have had any impact on the MIL's life, it will even against the moral views of it almost certainly harm their future career prospects.

CaptainHetty · 27/09/2012 18:25

Nobody should have to be tolerant of homophobia, regardless of how many people hold 'those views'.

TidyGOLDDancer · 27/09/2012 18:34

OMG she sounds completely vile.

As for handling it, I would probably go for supervised access on a trial basis, and if she attempts to read bible stories or spout disgusting homophobic bullcrap at him or around him, contact is cut. I would never allow her to care for him alone, it doesn't sound like she can be trusted if her views are so deep-rooted that she will air them so publicly as it is.

It simply isn't an acceptable way to behave around a child.

TheCraicDealer · 27/09/2012 18:34

Just tell her straight about your DB, something like, "you're entitled to your opinion, but please remember that X is my brother and DS's uncle. It's unacceptable to talk about him disrespectfully, whatever your views on his lifestyle". And clamp down on the bathing- I'm wincing thinking about the poor wee poppet's skin!

Pinkforever · 27/09/2012 18:37

Sorry but I think your dh is just as bad as his mother if he colludes in this and refuses to back you up. He didnt get to choose his parents but he did choose to marry you therefore you come first,last and always.

You are not being good parents to your ds if you continue to let him be around such people. Free babysitting surely itsnt that essential is it?....