To be really upset that DPs children don't want to spend time with us anymore

[PerditaMcLeod]

I must be feeling very brave this morning? a step parenting thread in AIBU. Either brave or stupid but I could really do with the wise words of MNetters.

A bit of background? DP and I have been together for around 18 months. He has four children from his previous marriage and we all had a good relationship (or so I thought). I love them all and have invested a huge amount of effort in my relationship with them.

They have now announced they don?t want to come here anymore as they get told off all the time.

A slight exaggeration, but with 4 of them in a small house we do have to have some kind of discipline. We don?t expect them to spend the weekend in silence, but the basic rules are

1. You make a mess, you clear it up before tea/Xbox/TV etc.
2. Good manners- standing up and eating at the dinner table for example is not acceptable. Neither is ignoring people who are talking to you if you don?t like what they are saying to you.
3. Any fights over Xbox etc. means they go off and stay off for the rest of the day.

I don?t think that is excessive and DP and I were both really pleased about how much their behaviour has improved in the last year. I have a DD of my own, so it?s not like I don?t know what it?s like living with children. Her relationship with DPs children is excellent.

There is a massive gulf in the way they are treated at the mum?s place and the way they are here (just to be clear, I am not in any way slagging her off) and I understand the difference between what is acceptable in each house can be confusing, particularly for the younger ones.

With this latest announcement, he is understandably devastated. I don?t hold with letting your kids blackmail you, but a compromise is needed to ensure he still gets contact, and by compromise I don?t mean let them come and trash the house every weekend as we used to!

I have suggested that we all sit down and try to get to the bottom of why it is they feel their treatment has been unfair. Both DP and I have demanding jobs and by the weekends are pretty knackered and on a short fuse and I get we do overreact sometimes. If they want to be treated in a more adult fashion (this won?t work for all of them as the youngest is 5) they need to be able to discuss this with us. They also need to understand why things like good manners are so important (God, I have turned into my mother?.) and also that that certain privileges have to be earned and equally they will be withdrawn in response to bad behaviour.

I was awake most of the night thinking about this. There are small practical things we can do like get a cleaner in on Monday to muck the house out and move the Xbox to another room so if they insist on fighting over it, they can do it in their own space.

Will stop rambling now? I just feel awful for DP who is an excellent dad and always has been, often not under the easiest of circumstances and I will do anything I can to make sure they want to come here and spend time with us.

If any of you wise women have any suggestions as to what we can do to compromise I would really appreciate it. I guess I am probably a bit more of a hardliner than DP and am of the view that as a parent ultimately they do what the are told but we don't want to be in the position where they won't want to come here at all.

I guess what I am asking is am I being unreasonable to not want DP to be held to ransom by his DCs and am I being unreasonable to expect a certain standard of behaviour?

I disagree at 12 they are old enough to make own minds up - if I had allowed my son to do that he would have stopped seeing his dad, he isnt old enough to throw a parent away at that age.

Just wanted to muse on this.

i have 3 teenage DDs and have divorced from their Dad and remarried. Their Dad has remarried as well. Been split up 4 years. He shows an interest in having his daughters over to stay a night once in every 6 weeks or so apx. No more. My eldest DD has all but given up going to see her Dad. She's 19 now, but for the whole 4 years she's made a fuss about not wanting to go. Middle DD goes if she's not busy - take it or leave it. Youngest, likes to see her Dad. But has begun to moan about it being boring and doesn't like being the only one going.

All this ramble is for background when i say i push and push for them to see their Dad. I ask if they've rung. I ask if they've text him about XXX going on. I wrangle with the eldest to pop over with her BF for an hour if she doesn't want to do the whole night thing. But ultimately there's not much else i can do. They don't want to be there. They want to be at home. They are all old enough to make their own social arrangements with him by phone and i can't force them.

I have a sneaky suspicion that if XH were here to put his case he'd say he thinks i interfere with them wanting to see him, and block it. Somehow brainwash them into not wanting to go to Dads. It's so not true.

OP i think it sounds like you are doing your best here. I think a family conference would be a really good idea. If you're canny you can let the children think they are getting involved in rule deciding. I think your DP should be talking to his X about this. It could be his X is just letting things slide and although not actively turning the kids against coming to you, just not doing anything positive to help.

Who has given the children the idea that they can just choose not to come?

The fact is "blended families" are usually more convenient for the new couple than for their children, who tend to get no choice in the matter. It rather sounds as though you have both assumed it would be wonderful having "a house full of children", and now you realise the reality is somewhat different.

The ex, who usually does have a house full, and knows how hard it is, is clearly not the problem here (as some assumed straight away). I think she has been very generous to allow the amount of weekend contact she has. It has allowed you, her ex and their children plenty of opportunity to see whether or not it will work. Contact arrangements aren't set in stone, they do have to be revised as the children grow and their needs change.

Three weekends in four sounds far too much anyway. There's little point trying to force them into so many weekend visits when they clearly don't enjoy it. Less is more - can you switch it around to one weekend in four? I think that would be more realistic and possibly a more attractive option to his children.

Why are they cooped up in your tiny house playing Xbox anyway? You need to take them out more. Are you able to do that? Is there stuff to do within walking distance? If not do you have an MPV or two cars to accommodate them all?

How does your own DD feel about it? You haven't even mentioned how she feels about it. Perhaps she looks forward to it if she only has you and DP for company most of the time, but I imagine it must be pretty wearing for her too.

I think you have both had rather unrealistic expectations as to how well this would work. It's not a disaster if you all have to have a rethink.

I think the first step would be for your DP to take them all out for pizza or something like that (without you!), and try to get to the bottom of why they no longer want to come.

You are describing very stressful weekends. Perhaps the dc are picking up on the stress and would rather be in their own home with their own toys and friends.

You say you don't want your Dp held to ransom, but if no one is happy with the current set up something has to change. Could the dc visit every other week or see the children more during the week?

I hope you sort it out, though. As I said it seems very stressful.

olgaga Thu 27-Sep-12 14:27:22
The ex, who usually does have a house full, and knows how hard it is, is clearly not the problem here (as some assumed straight away)

Oh sorry, how long have you known her?

I think she has been very generous to allow the amount of weekend contact she has.

I'm glad you think she's been generous.
It might be it suits her work, her new partner, her desire for an occasional lie-in.

I struggled for every other weekend, and some holidays. I at 6 days out of 30 being generous.

Who has given the children the idea that they can just choose not to come?

how far would you take it????? my sister used to hold the doorframe screaming and have to have her fingers peeled off it one by one before being physically manhandled into the car - because she did not want to go to somewhere that had a rule that she could not bash her toys on the table...... and her ponies were "marching ponies".... hey ho....

And how long have you known her, OneMoreChap? OP says 6 months ago I would have put money on the XP having some input on this, but DP is sure she isn't.

So no need for your aspersions.

Presumably 6 days out of 30 suits the OP and her DP just fine. OP hasn't mentioned any "struggle" over contact. They haven't mentioned wanting any more contact than is already agreed.

This is about preferences the children have expressed.

I don't think your "struggle" is remotely relevant in this case.

Presumably you would agree with my suggestion that her DP takes his children out and tries to get to the bottom of it and try a little less contact for a while until things settle down?

Or are you saying that once your "struggle" for contact is over, the children's wishes can be ignored?

It rather sounds like it.

I agree 6 days out of 30 days is not lot. The ex deserves a break too, 4 kids and likely a lone parent. Your dp needs to meet with the children away from to get to the bottom of this. Talk to his ex. Figure it out instead of letting it be this way. Maybe the kids have some concerns and aren't being heard by either the op or their father.

mynewpassion yes Dahlen further up also asked what the DP was doing about it...it's for him to sort out really, rather than poor OP who sounds as though she is doing her best.

I think taking them out so he can talk to them on their own would be the best thing. Whether or not he detects any "change in atmosphere" when OP is around, they need to be able to talk to him on his own I think.

Does the mother of the 4 kids know they are thinking of not coming anymore?

I would get DP to speak to her as she might not be too happy at not getting some time to herself

olgaga but DP is sure she isn't.

As you said, that's what the OP said.
Doesn't mean her DPs right.

As other posters have also said.

No, no mention of struggle over contact; no mention of it being generous, either. That was your suggestion...

Yes, I think DPs kids need some alone time with their dad. Yes, I think he needs to talk to them. No, he doesn't need some outsider saying can you switch it around to one weekend in four? I think that would be more realistic

Or are you saying that once your "struggle" for contact is over, the children's wishes can be ignored?

Laughable. Point me to the words that suggest that. FWIW, my "struggle" was legal, solicitors, Family court, that sort of thing. [Which might suggest children's wishes get taken into account... which I why I still see them as adults, now.]

Don't you read, OneMoreChap? Or is it that you only read my posts so you can have a go at me?

OP said:

Both DP and I have demanding jobs and by the weekends are pretty knackered and on a short fuse and I get we do overreact sometimes.

It's pretty clear from this that OP and DP have never sought midweek access. So in the light of that, are you suggesting they should have every weekend?

Yes I do think the current arrangement appears to be generous. The ex apparently does all the midweek grind, with only one weekend in four downtime with the children.

Given that the children have now said they don't want to come at all, I think one weekend in four would be a wise starting point in DP's discussions with them. It would give everyone a welcome break by the sound of it.

They could always move to every other weekend when things have settled and if they're all in agreement.

What the hell is wrong with that?

Again, your "struggle" has no relevance in this case. There are no solicitors or family courts involved.

Doesn't mean her DP's right

But there is no indication whatsoever that he's not. So why do you make the assumption that the ex is putting a spanner in the works? For all we know she might like them to have the children every weekend - as you say, we don't know. But there is absolutely no indication she is at fault, except in your embittered and highly partial imagination.