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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for feeling guilty that I've not hosted a coffee morning for my NCT group?

32 replies

ChateauMargot · 25/09/2012 18:26

Our flat is small and our living room only seats three breastfeeding mums comfortably (there are eight in the group). Our babies are all roughly three months old; already three of the group have hosted coffee mornings and two more are about to. These are houses that they (for the most part) own and have renovated - lovely big rooms, etc. - whereas we rent and are in a slightly scruffier neighbourhood. Trying very hard not to feel I'm letting the side down or lapsing into self-pity that we're not quite in the same league.

My first AIBU - please be kind!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 25/09/2012 18:28

I'd rather shit in my hands and clap than attend an NCT coffee morning or any other 'mumsy' affair Grin

But YANBU if you're into that sort of thing.

If you're flat's too small then it's too small.

mogandme · 25/09/2012 18:29

Just arrange one at a coffee shop - I wouldn't mind going to a coffee shop infact when it's one of my friends turns we always meet at Costa Grin

ihatemycat · 25/09/2012 18:30

This sounds a bit like our NCT group, in the end I bit the bullet and hosted one... Only one person turned up...

BramblyHedge · 25/09/2012 18:30

I was in the same situation 6 years ago. Nobody gave a stuff and were happy with some cushions on the floor/ dining chair and taking turns if they needed to sit up to feed. I also live in the roughest area out of the group and again no one ever seemed bothered. If they are then they aren't worth being friends with.

coffeeandcream · 25/09/2012 18:31

Hello,

I don't think you should worry about being it what feels like a 'scruffy' neighbourhood, it really shouldn't matter, they would be coming to see you and enjoy your company.

But is does sound difficult space wise. I was going to say, are there one or two people you feel closer to who you might want to invite, but that could be a bad idea and drive a wedge in between group members and form cliques.

Not sure really... But I'll watch with interest, as I start NCT classes on Wednesday and am curious about how these things might work!

Pancakeflipper · 25/09/2012 18:31

Don't feel guilty. Just say its too small. I used to go to NCT coffee mornings and there were 15 of us plus babies and toddlers There were only 4 with big enough houses so they divided it the rota between themselves and the rest of us took it turns it bring the cakes and biccies.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 25/09/2012 18:33

Ah, just host it in a coffee shop!

scottishmummy · 25/09/2012 18:43

meet in soft play, because limited space at yours
where you live irrespective
don't sweat it about fancy houses,and if they do you're better off without em

Whatdoiknowanyway · 25/09/2012 18:52

My friend was in this position and never hosted get togethers. We would have been happy sitting on the floor but she wasn't comfortable with the idea so we never pushed it and no one judged her. I'm sure your friends will understand too.

BettyandDon · 25/09/2012 18:56

Don't feel bad. You can't change (easily) where you live or who your NCT group is.

Our flat is tiny and I've only ever had my lot (4 in total) round once. My DD is nearly 2.5!

You could either be honest and say sorry you don't have the space to cater for everyone, perhaps suggest a fab spacious pub instead. Or, you could craft an invite when you know lots of people cant make it...

If you are going to be friends with these people though in the long term, surely they will be coming to your house, albeit maybe in smaller numbers at some point.

Once the kids are walking it is likely you'll be meeting in parks etc where they can all run around.

Mylittlepuds · 25/09/2012 19:11

I'd host it anyway. Explain space is limited. Perhaps nor a good idea when they're toddlers! That way you've done your bit. I've met in friend's houses whose living rooms are literally like a box. You'd be surprised how many can fit in for a cuppa.

I used to get a bit peeved that I'd do all the hosting and some people (most people) in the group wouldn't reciprocate. My house is far from big.

If its going to stress you though do meet elsewhere. But I think you might quite enjoy playing the host if you give it a try!

forevergreek · 25/09/2012 19:14

Just explain its small, and offer to bring cakes/ make tea/ tidy up at a friends if possible or meet in coffee shop as other said

Ours barely has room for us let alone visitors!

cakebar · 25/09/2012 19:16

I think you should do it, and let them see that your space is limited. Otherwise, they might wonder why you don't take your turn. People should/will be happy to sit on the floor, on cushions, I quite liked to when baby was about 3 months as you could sit with them next to you, lying on a blanket.

People with the larger houses will probably then volunteer more than their fair share IYSWIM.

GracieGirl · 25/09/2012 19:18

Don't worry. My NCT group of 8 mums tend to meet at 5 of the houses, no one worries too much about it. Those that don't host do tend to bring some food to help out those that do host.
You could always invite at short notice so only a small group turn up.

Our antenatal classes were almost 3 years ago & we're still meeting up. I'd get a few turns at hosting in quick before (like my group), it turns into 8 mums, 8 toddlers & 7 babies! Now that is serious chaos!!! Grin

Molehillmountain · 25/09/2012 19:22

Our nct group met weekly at one house or another for five years. Some people hosted, some didn't. It would never have worked if people had felt they had to host. The only thing I felt sometimes as someone who was happy to host was appreciative of the non hosters who offered to make the tea at mine and offered to bring the cakes that week. It did start to cost me a fair bit as I was one of three who regularly hosted out of eight.

wildpoppy · 25/09/2012 19:22

The three of my 8 who lived in the posh bit formed a clique and that was that.

The others came over even though I live the wrong side of the tracks. They were a miffed I have house for 150k less than their flats!

Ferrybridge · 25/09/2012 19:24

Tell them you'd like to host, you feel bad, but just can't fit them in. Take cakes/nice biscuits/ flowers for the host when you go to other homes and help with the washing-up. No-one will mind.

Viviennemary · 25/09/2012 19:26

Why not just have an open day if you can and suggest not everybody arrives at once. I did this once. It worked quite well. Also in my group were a couple of people with massive houses. One employed a full time housekeeper! I just got a friend to help me. Just as good.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 25/09/2012 19:31

I remember feeling just like this! I was the youngest Mum by about 10 years so I was already hugely self conscious and I lived in a flat while all the others had big houses and cleaners.

I didn't host until the babies were around six months, and I remember being very nervous! But the others were lovely and it was absolutely fine. It's probably easier to do it when the babies are still little and less mobile. Just go for it, battle through, it will be fine.

Snowsquonk · 25/09/2012 19:37

Just tell the rest of your group that you feel your flat is too small to host comfortably - so could one of the others host and you'll bring a lovely cake as your contribution. No-one should mind, and if they do - sod them!

Pastabee · 25/09/2012 19:38

We meet every week and some host and some don't. It doesn't bother me if people can't host and it doesn't bother me if someone's home is small but they would still like to host.

Agree with suggestions that you arrange to meet somewhere for your 'turn'. One lady in our group always does that and it is fine.

Original poster
ChateauMargot · 25/09/2012 21:31

Thanks, all.

It's also the fact that we're a bit further out than the others, and anyone coming by public transit would have a walk down a not very salubrious high street... so, yes, the scruff factor is more of an issue than size, really (I like the cushions on the floor idea).

I'm also the (second?) youngest, and feeling a bit sheepish about our comparatively studenty/second-hand digs. So silly, I know.

May try the last-minute suggestion, or (perhaps better?) suggesting to the other mum who lives nearish and intends to host that I go over early to help her set up/bring the cakes, etc...

OP posts:
Ferrybridge · 25/09/2012 21:56

FWIW once the children are mobile most mums prefer to take them to slightly scruffy houses rather than pristine ones Smile

HelenofSparta · 25/09/2012 22:25

Hello, I'd host one now, while the babies are little and cannot move. Much more work when they are all running around!
No one minds cushions or carpet and sitting on the floor.
The one person in ourNCT group who never offered to host was always thought of as a bit unfriendly/bit odd not to offer. People don't mind where they meet as long as it is a chance to get out of the house and have a natter with an adult!!

BlueSkySinking · 25/09/2012 22:26

Invite them and get it over and done with before they are mobile! Soon you will be meeting in soft play centers and play parks so the kids can run round.