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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To finally rudely tell my neighbour loudly to Mind His Own Business this morning?

65 replies

akaemmafrost · 25/09/2012 09:52

I am feeling quite angry to ready to brave AIBU.

I home educate ds atm. Its not a long term solution but he has various disabilities including Autism and Dyspraxia. Hopefully later this year we will be able to find a suitable placement but for now he is being educated by me in a very informal way at home.

Small background. He has always struggled at school because of his conditions and at his first school he was managed very badly by staff with no understanding of his conditions. It was hell on earth for him really . We persevered and persevered and moved school at the final school he was assaulted by one of his teachers and for two weeks in a row, each day he came home with bruises and abrasions all over his body and face from being restrained. Quite simply school had bottomed out, he was totally unable to cope with it he was being harmed and Self Harming (biting, scratching, punching himself) almost daily. Finally we removed him, it was a massive decision and not one we took lightly, we perserved in what was for him a hellish environment for three years.

Every morning as I return from dropping my other child at school my neighbour asks why ds isn't in school. I tell him. Quite often I can brush him off though on occasion I have stopped to fully explain why ds is not in school and about his conditions. This morning my neighbour again stopped me and actually started shouting at me in my own garden that "that boy needs to be in school, you are making him stupid, I will be speaking to someone about this, enough is enough!" I again tried to explain and ended up telling him about ds being harmed at school, his response? "well he was obviously being badly behaved wasn't he?" I am afraid I lost it and told him "you are obviously too stupid to understand what I KEEP trying to tell you so just mind you own BUSINESS" and walked off he carried on shouting after me and I just kept telling him (heatedly ) to mind his own business. All this in front of ds who now has the red cheeks (big sign of impending meltdown) and is totally stressed out by it all.

Anyway feel utterly rubbish now but its just another incident of ignorance I suppose, its not like I am not used to it. Just feel like a bit of a fishwife .

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 25/09/2012 10:27

Good luck OP. Glad to hear your DS is coming along now you've got him at home.
I hope you Ex manages to get through to him. Do you ever talk to his wife? Or is the 'little woman's ' opinion ignored?

I have to say, if he carried on I would be threatening him with the police for harrassment.

WaitingForMe · 25/09/2012 10:54

I'd write a short letter outlining the facts of my situation ending with me saying if he continued to approach me on the subject I'd be contacting the police for harassment.

sugarice · 25/09/2012 11:02

Hey there's nothing wrong with sounding like a fishwife on the odd occasion and let's face it, who needs a nosey nelly trying to interfere in your business.

You sounded quite calm and rational in my opinion and you didn't tell him to fuck off which I have done on the very rare days when my red mist has descended .

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 25/09/2012 11:05

Next time the twunt speaks to you, tell him he'd better not or you will be getting a restraining order.

His behaviour or verging on harassment.

Best of luck with DS's recovery from school.

MrsApplepants · 25/09/2012 11:06

Utterly none of his business. If you wanted to send your DS to school on the moon it would have absolutely nothing to do with him. Rude and ignorant man. Ignore him, you've done nothing wrong.

TroublesomeEx · 25/09/2012 11:09

I think I'd be inclined to do what Waiting has suggested.

And they would be an outline of the facts - my son is being home schooled - without any justification or explanation. He's had quite enough of those!

I'd do it in writing and also keep a diary of all incidents.

You and your son don't need this.

I'd also be inclined to explain the situation fully to your son's father so that he doesn't inadvertently say something which suggests to this idiot that it's just the "silly woman" having made a "silly reaction" and getting all "hysterical" over nothing.

I will NEVER understand why some people feel the needs to abuse people like this in the street or comment so vehemently on other people's lives!

SmileysPeeople · 25/09/2012 11:14

I second waitingfornme's idea- write a brief letter staing the facts, the legitimacy of the situation with the authorities, and that you will no longer discuss your personal circumstances with him, and if he continues to approach you over this you will regard it as harassment and inform the police.

You needed to reach boiling point with this, you should not feel you have to discuss or explain your family circumstances, or your sons difficulties with anyone not directly involved.

Do not engage with him ever again in any way. You don't have to.

HumphreyCobbler · 25/09/2012 11:23

I think a letter sounds like a great idea. Give him the facts and let him bloody well shut up about it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/09/2012 12:33

I would absolutely NOT write him a letter. He has been given the facts many times verbally, and chooses to continue being an opinionated old sod, harping on about something that is nothing to do with him in the presumed belief that the OP will somehow knuckle under to his will (Oh, OK then, if you say so, Curmugdeonly Neighbour ). Fuck him! And his sodding opinions! The best he deserves is to be roundly ignored!

Merrin · 25/09/2012 13:06

I wouldn't send a letter either. I would make an appointment with the community police officer and discuss with his or her the pattern of harassment so far and how you should deal with it from now on. They will have good advice I am sure.

Original poster

akaemmafrost · 25/09/2012 13:16

Ex H, ds's dad is going to have a word. They get on ok . It says a lot about my ex doesn't it ? Ex is great Dad though to be fair. Will see how that goes, hopefully that will be an end to it.

OP posts:

Bluegingham · 25/09/2012 13:48

Some neighbours are worth falling out with! Mine threw poo at me and we haven't spoken since. Might you consider trying this?

Otheregos · 25/09/2012 13:52

Yanbu what an absolute arse...what you said was quite restrained personally I would have used alot more profound swear words and physical violence...the violence bit is a joke before I get jumped on....the man is ignorant...ignore him...plant a large hedge so you don't have to engage in conversation

diddl · 25/09/2012 13:59

Well if he´s that concerned he should contact the authorities so that they can tell him.

I do agree that OP has told him enough times.

But if he genuinely thinks that a child isn´t being educated, then I think it is his business.

StanleyLambchop · 25/09/2012 14:58

YANBU, it is none of his business. I don't think he has dementia though. My Mum has it and she does not know what day/time it is. If she saw a child out & about during the week she would assume it was the weekend, or just forget completely that children go to school at all! He just sounds like a busy body to me. Ignore!!

BlackType · 25/09/2012 15:04

Oh dear. I am afraid I think you were rude. He is obviously even ruder - but the bland treatment is surely called for. What you have possibly done is give him reason to think that your child is badly behaved because you are. Neither is true, presumably - but that is how it will come across to him. It is always better to be in the right in these situations (then tell someone else what a horrid old man he is in private - it sounds as if you do need someone to talk to rather than being fishwifey at a silly old codger).

arthurfowlersallotment · 25/09/2012 15:08

Black, the OP was hardly badly behaved. Under the circumstances I believe she was quite restrained.

Original poster

akaemmafrost · 25/09/2012 15:15

I agree with NONE of your post blacktype .

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 25/09/2012 15:15

If Ex having a word doesn't help then I would be inclined to tell the nieghbour to contact LA so that they can explain the situation. Tell him not to be fobbed off with anything like "it's not your child/business" tell him they will be more than happy to explain in full detail. Then ignore him. Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job with DS, well done.

BlackType · 25/09/2012 15:25

Fair enough, OP.

Arthurfowlersallotment: she possibly was relatively restrained in not telling him to boil his head in the way he deserved. But all he will see is further evidence to back up his benighted perspective. People like that will always think that they are in the right, and all the OP did was give him yet more apparent evidence for his daft views.

The OP said herself that she felt like a bit of a fishwife, and I think she is quite right to do so. I also have an autistic child of the meltdown type, so I can completely sympathise with her feelings - but also know that me getting stressed only makes him a thousand times worse. So, yes, she should simply have ignored her horrible neighbour. The neighbour's behaviour was bad, but fishwife behaviour is not good either.

cocolepew · 25/09/2012 15:37

If he continues after the 'man to man' talk tell the police.
He sounds like a git.

Good luck with your sons schooling.

Original poster

akaemmafrost · 25/09/2012 15:53

blacktype I doubt you'd be using the word fishwife if I hadn't offered it up in my OP. I was upset when I wrote it and don't actually think I behaved like that at all now. My main concern was making sure ds didn't comprehend what was being said and also trying to ease the fact the neighbour had hold of ds scooter and was refusing to give it back. An oft repeated "joke" in these parts. Ds will get upset at this "joke" because he doesn't understand jokes like this. It then moved onto the daily school lecture so stresses were already running high.

My ds has been out of school for 9 months. That's A LOT of polite daily explanation (well not daily I suppose we get respite if dd is off sick). Personally I think he's a bully, even if elderly, from things he's said before and how he treats his wife. And we all know its best to stand up to bullies don't we?

Everyone else thanks for your lovely supportive messages. Will let you know how the chat male bonding session goes.

OP posts:

fengirl1 · 25/09/2012 16:20

I have found 'Feel free to report me if you think I'm doing anything wrong' and walk away work well.

Badvoc · 25/09/2012 16:24

Ok.
I have zero tolerance for this shit.
I home edded ds1 for a year in 2010.
Like you I had very very good reason to take him out of an awful school that was damaging him.
He is now back in school but its no one else's business.
If this man was as rude/verbally aggressive as you say then I would go contact you community police officer and ask him/her to come round, explain the situation and ask him/her to talk to the man.
I hope this man ant upsetting your son?
Sigh....there are some ignorant fuckers about!

Badvoc · 25/09/2012 16:25

I think it's really important that you get a third party to do this...police would be best.
That should shut him the fuck up.

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