to be angry my DSDs new secondary school published on their website she was 'shy and quiet'

[londoner01]

My DSD just started a state secondary school, she is naturally an introvert but has reasonable confidence and is generally content with social situations. At primary she had lots of friends and was loved for her cheerful calmness.

On the first day they finished writing a paragraph to describe their day, one of the girls in DSD's form wrote 'The first person I met was X, she was very quiet and shy. I soon got to know some other girls though who are fun.'

this was then put on the website alongside photos of the first day. DSD is the only X in the year group.

DSD has seen it and is very upset, she hates being labelled shy or quiet, it really crushes her self-esteem and she now believes all the girls think she is boring and don't want to be her friends. The girl who wrote it is now a few weeks into term one of her friends but she thinks she doesn't actually like her and is in tears that the whole school will see those comments. I don't think the girl wrote them intentionally at all.

AIBU to be angry at the school for publishing on their website such potentially hurtful comments and not being more sensitive that small comments like that, with my DSD's name especially.

I would ask them nicely to edit that bit

That is a ridiculously stupid thing to put up on a website, what on earth were they thinking? YANBU at all. :(

The school obviously didn't think it through at all. I would ask them nicely to remove/edit it. I'm sure the girl who wrote it didn't mean to come across as mean.

Get that removed, go to the head if you have to. That is cruel and should not have been up. What were they thinking?

Just ask them if they could remove it, I'm sure there won't be any trouble.

I am shocked. Def ok to ask them to remove it - or edit.

But def reassure your Dd that her friend is still a friend.

And then time to help her tackle the shy and quiet thing. See what the teacher can suggest. As someone who was labelled this I feel for her.

Bless her, not surprised she's upset by it! I would give the school a ring and see if they can edit it to sound nicer. I would give a few suggestions of what you want them to write though or they may just end up making it worse.

How utterly stupid must the teacher be who chose to publish that?

I would be fuming.

Grrrr. for your DSD. Would they put up a piece of writing that said "I met X and she was ugly, but I soon met some other pretty girls"?

Please do NOT "tackle" the "shy and quiet" thing, because, as you point out yourself, there is nothing wrong with her being an introvert. Her self-esteem and confidence are usually perfectly good from what you say, and her qualities are appreciated by others. She does not need to change herself just because some people decide to stick unpleasant labels on her.

I presume the other little girl now sees the good qualities of your DSD since she's still friends with her! Maybe she'll think twice about labelling people "shy" and making it an opposite to "fun" in future.

that's outrageous.

Definitely tell them it has to be changed and why it is unacceptable

It's the second sentence that makes it really sound awful . If it had said "I met X who was shy and quiet, but we soon got to know each other and had fun" it would have been fine.

It's the implication that being shy and quiet OR fun that is terrible.

YANBU
They should take it down. Someone clearly didn't read it properly or think it through properly.

But do reassure your DSD that it almost certainly wasn't intended the way it reads. I would imagine the girl meant "I met x who was shy" entirely distinct from "I met some other girls - they were fun". Children of that age don't necessarily have a perfect grasp of complex sentences and grammar - it was probably just a stream of consciousness.

What does her mum/dad say?
Tbh she can't tell people what to think of her and I would suggest she doesn't have 'reasonable confidence' as she think this girl doesn't like her.
Its the second part of the sentence I would object to as it makes dad sound like her personality is a failing.
She should be encouraged to accept she is shy and quiet rather than fight against it.

Have you contacted the school? What did they say?
(And yes, they really didn't read what was written! YANBU)

I think any child would find their confidence faltering if another child said something (even inadvertantly) horrible and judgey about them TBH. I think "shy" is a horrible word and I do not like the way it is normalised (though I entirely accept it's not a little girl's fault if they unthinkingly repeat it). "Quiet" is fine, just a descriptive word. "Shy" implies that the caller knows something about the callee's motivations, that they somehow can't do something and are deficient in some way, rather than just don't want to do it.

When people used to call me "shy" as a child I used to find it very puzzling because I knew I wasn't "shy", I was perfectly happy and content with my lot and I certainly didn't lack confidence, I just didn't want to talk to that person/teacher/group/whatever at that time. Your DSD should not accept the label "shy" if in fact she is just calm, serene, quiet and cheerful and chooses to talk to people on her own terms.

When you completed your admission forms did you tick/untick the boxes that gave permission for things to be published/used? They obviously just picked a lovely pic of your dd without realising what she had written.

BellaVita I used to maintain a school website. There is no excuse for not reading what has been submitted for publication if only to check for spelling and grammar mistakes
That girl's comment was really tactless. (at best)

YANBU! Call them now and get it taken down.

Its ok telling the OP to go or contact school but, as its her dad it may not be the best action.
does your dad live with you and what relationship do you have with the mother?

Yaddnbu. I hope they remove it and fast.

I was the same at school and so is my own dd. I am utterly sick of a reserved or introverted demeanor being portrayed in a negative light. It infuriates me actually

There is far far too much emphasis on extrovert qualities being seen as the only positive thing to aspire to. It spills over from our fame/sleb driven culture into everyday life and appears to be the only 'way to be'.

Anyone who hasn't got the wit or imagination to take a bit of time to get to know a quieter person is pretty one dimensional in my book

Oh and being an introvert or reserved doesn't always mean you are 'shy'. Aaargh!!

YANBU, it should definitely not have been put up there, and should be taken off.

I'm furious on your and your DD's behalf. That is appalling. I'd be 'up the school' asap. Any teacher or staff member with half an iota of sensitivity will react fast, get it taken down and make sure whoever put it up reads the text properly next time.

And YY to all that beattheclock said.

Thanks for your replies.

I phoned the school this morning, her teacher apologised endlessly, the teacher was mortified. An ICT technician who runs the website had been given the children's paragraphs and told to fit them with photos. It was removed about 5 mintues after my phone call and replaced with a lovely picture of DSD and the friend who had written it, smiling together with their arms linked and next to it was written 'We saw some lovely friendships form very quickly.'

Beattheclock and others, I completely agree and DSD had this attitude well instilled into her as both DH and myself have always been clear she would not be labelled that way and we have always celebrated her personality as it is.

For those who asked- DSD's mother passed away shortly after DSD's birth. Since I have been with her dad from when she was fairly young I have been a maternal figure and have a very good and close relationship with DSD.