to expect not to have to tell the Nanny to change DS when he has a pooey nappy?

[Graciescotland]

We hired a nanny on the basis of a recommendation when we moved abroad. I work partly from home so I'm sometimes there at the same time. I popped downstairs when they came home from the park/ shops a few minutes after I heard them come back to find that buggy had been folded and put away, shopping (just milk and juice) had been put on the countertop, nanny had hung up her coat and taken off her shoes and DS (age 2) had been left in a dirty nappy.

Having a chat apparently she'd known he'd had a poo at the supermarket and rather than change him felt it was more appropriate to wait the twenty minutes until she got back and then faff around for a bit. I didn't get the impression it was the first time either. They had a change bag with nappies and wipes and there are a bunch of cafes/ eateries next to supermarket several with babychanges and there was cash in babybag to be used for drinks/ snacks whilst out and about so she had a choice of to change on a bench or in a bathroom. It just would of required a tiny bit of proactivity.

To me it's bordering on neglect. I just don't understand why anyone would leave an upset little boy to ferment in his own poo when the situation could be easily remedied but apparently "other parents don't want her to change children except at home" which seems like utter bollocks to me.

She's been with us less than a month and there have been other issues so I suspect I'm going to have to bite the bullet and let her go but AIBU.

Yanbu, I would always change a pooey nappy as soon as possible, so they don't get sore. Being able to change a nappy out and about isn't hard. If there were changing rooms close by, why didnt she use one of them? I wouldn't be happy with that, and yes, "other parents don't want her to change children except at home" sounds like bollocks.

I wouldn't want to sit in my poo for twenty minutes. I remember leaving my daughter a good 15/20 minutes once because I was driving on motorway & when I got to change her, her bum was so sore and red. I felt terrible
so I don't think your being unreasonable for her to make it the priority.

YANBU - but then I'm always baffled (and a bit repulsed) by parents/carers who knowingly leave their kid in shitty nappies for a while. It happens at soft play - I'm left thinking 'but aren't you worried about them getting sore, or the poo leaking out? and why do the rest of us have to put up with this stink because you'd rather wait until you've finished your cup of tea and chat before going to change them?'

Yabu 20 mins s not long and ts not neglect, major overreaction. If I am out and know that imam heading home soon, I would rather change ds at home, much easer than faffjng about with changing bags, shopping and those god awful flimsy changing stations that are always way too high. You have not given your nanny a chance, point out her mistakes in a tactful professional manner, than gve her a reasonable time frame to improve, if your still unhappy than let her go

Yes I am ne of those who do finish their cup f tea before changing a nappy, si report me to SS, gosh some people are so precious

If my DS had been allowed to stay in his toxic poo for 20 minutes, the whole world would have known about it. He would have been very sore within minutes. Mind you, the person with him would have been feeling nauseus too.

YANBU. I would always change DS2 as soon as I noticed he had a dirty nappy. It's horrid to leave a child sitting in it's own poo, not to mention smelly for everyone else. Plus wouldn't it make him sore?

My ds likes to poo in stages so you have to wait at least 10 minutes before you change him otherwise you're likely to get pooed on. So I wouldn't be so bothered if he was left for 20 minutes. If I had a baby with toxic poo and very sensitive skin oth I would want it changed straight away, so it's hard to say.

My mil is obsessed with 'saving' nappies when she has ds or is anywhere near him when he has a poo nappy changed and will scrape the poo out if it isn't too sloppy to reuse the nappy.

I can only imagine that it harks back to cloth wearing days, but I do find it odd.

A nappy with pooh in it should be changed as soon as possible. Not to is just disgusting and uncomfortable for the baby.

YANBU. I change DD as soon as I possibly can so would have changed her at the shop. If she poos in the car I do take my coat and shoes off first but would have left shopping etc.

I wouldn't have changed one of mine on a bench unless desperate - would definitely have chosen a walk home over that (for other people's benefit).

How quickly I changed depended on the child and how bad they were. When teething they all tended to get sore very quickly so I may not have waited 20 mins then but would have at other times if it was going to be easier.

I'd always wait around 20minutes to be sure the pooing is over. The number of times I changed a nappy immediately, only to be changing it again 10+minutes later before I wised up!

Plus, changing a nappy in your coat isn't half as sensible as taking your coat and shoes off and then being able to make nappy-change time a fun, interactive, chatty time.

the cafes with the changing facilities that are open to you aren't necessarily so open to your Filipina/Sri Lankan nanny.

20 minutes isn't neglect, but I'm pretty sure most people would prioritise a smelly nappy over putting juice in the fridge.

Ex cunt BIL has been known to leave DNiece for 7 hours so that he can have the carer change her nappy. He won't do it himself for an autistic, non-verbal 7yo. That's neglect.

he has 13 years till dnephew turns 18 then I'm going for his balls with rusty secateurs

Wow I'm really surprised how many people wouldn't change a child immediately. If you were being paid would you?

To answer the questions, he was upset and his bum was bright red. He's not a child who is happy sitting in a dirty diaper and it did upset me that she was essentially ignoring him. I have spoken with her before about changing straight away but apparently she thought that only applied when they were at home

We're in Canada so no issues with entry into cafes etc. According to the contract we can terminate without cause anytime in the first three months. That's standard where we are so not really interested in comparing with UK employment law.

It is the straw that broke the camel's back a bit the other issues that we've had previously were giving DS junk food everytime he was noisy/ upset/wasn't getting his own way. Not stuff we had in our cupboards but cheerios/ cheetos the nanny brought with her in ziplock bags. DH says it was a bit like Pavlov's dogs being trained to happy silence at the mention of "cheeries". It sounds petty but it's so unnecessary and could lead to an unhealthy relationship with food.

Sitting on the couch watching tv for hours. Letting him sleep for hours in the afternoon which has a knock on effect as he can't sleep later (Naptimes and duration were specified). When she started we did say he's a very physical little boy and needs lots of exercise/ games and stimulation and that she's not expected to clean etc. just to look after DS. She doesn't play with him though it just feels like she's putting in minimum effort and hasn't bonded with DS.

I've told her that I don't think she's a very good fit for my family and she's told me I'm full of complaints. I suggested that she took the weekend (on Friday)to think about whether she wants this job/ can perform the way I want her too and she asked for another week to see if we could work it out but has phoned in sick today.

YABU about the nappy, but yanbu if you want to get rid of her. I couldn't get along with anyone who thinks watching tv all day is acceptable.

Worra, that's the first time I've laughed all day!

OP get rid, you don't sound at all suited to one another.

If she doesn't play with him and watches TV when you've told her that he's a physical boy and needs exercise, then YANBU to let her go because she's not fulfilling the job description. If she's not taking care of him to the standard you would expect as a parent, then that's not good enough.

Sounds like she's lazy - not changing him when he wants to be changed, giving him snacks instead of playing with him, letting him nap too long etc. If only chlidcare were that easy!

It may well be the stroppy mood I'm in, but I would find it very hard to work with someone who said such an utterly pointless thing as, "You are full of complaints." What does it mean? Did she think she was adding some great wisdom to the situation?

Op you definetly not bu! Intentionally leaving a baby 20 mins in faeces is bordering on abuse in my eyes too. I would part ways if I were you. Its her job to change nappies ffs.

I think it sort of slipped out, English was not originally her first language although she's been here for more than twenty years. I suspect it means that she thinks I'm a whingy cow.

She shouldn't be trying to make you to blame for her own shortcomings, though. The correct response is to try and improve, and to keep her personal opinion to herself!

Get rid. She could have said 'I'm still getting to know your ways' not 'you're full of complaints'.

Yanbu - if you've already asked her to make sure she changes a nappy immediately then she's clearly not listening. She sounds lazy. It's her job to look after him the way you have specified. You need to be confident that your child is happy with your childcare arrangements otherwise it will eat away at you.

Gracie, seriously, she is not the nanny for you and your ds! Not only because she is ignoring your structures and rules, right at the beginning of the relationship, but actually because (as a result of perhaps seeing the whole childcare thing in a different way to you) she regards you as a stroppy cow. That really isn't the relationship you want to have with someone who is responsible for your child.

Find someone with whom you can build a mutuallly beneficial trust-based relationship, so that you can rest easy about what they're getting up to with ds when you're not there and who you can be sure will be applying your rules even when you can't check up.

Based on your post, I would have sacked your nanny already. I do think you need to be a bit firmer (or more particular), or maybe have more confidence in your own parenting style, with your future nanny relationships....I hate the expression 'my child, my rules' but actually, in this instance, you would really expect that to be the case (pretty much to the letter) at least until the nanny has been with you long enough to start discussing variations with you. Feeding your child crap behind your back, letting your child watch hours of tv against your wishes, letting them sleep far too long after you have specified nap times, not changing their nappy promptly if that is what you have requested....these are all fairly good reasons on their own to get rid of someone at this stage of the relationship, not grumble and try to make do.

Good luck :()

Sorry.....that was meant to be "Good luck :) "

have just come back to this - and based on everything you've said in your second post - yep, YANBU - get shot of her!