to think she is a selfish mother!

[upanddown83]

dp and i have his dd 4yo over every tues night for tea for 3 hrs then one week she stays fri night 5pm til sat 5pm the next week we get dsd sat 10am til 5pm sun
dp suggested to his ex last night that it might be better if they did alternate full weekends so both parents get to enjoy a full weekend with dsd as often we cannot get all family visits parties and activites done in a day and a half with dsd and thought her mother would feel the same
dp was also thinking it would be nice that we colud spend some time together on a saturday sometime (or he could tinker wif his cars) as from dsd was 1.5yo she had spend every saturday with dp apart from 3 saturdays she spend with her mother as dp was on holiday at stag do and working
the answer dp ex gave was no to everyother full weekend visits and i quote ' no that wouldnt work because who would i get to mind her when i go out if i have her the whole weekend on my own!
AIBU to think she is being selfish?

unfortunately due to dp starting work at 6.30am and me at 7.30am we cannot have dsd during the week as school does not start until 9am she does come every tuesday night for 4 hrs but has to go home because of us going to work in morning

WorraLiberty sorry about that. i will try to use punctuation just not used to it as text too much! lol

Does the school have a breakfast club? Might be worth checking out for midweek overnight stays.

it doesnt we have checked and apart from having my mother come and sleep over and take her to school there is no way we can have her overnight during the week.
i leave house at 7 for starting at 7.30 and dp leaves 6.15 for starting at 6.30 just not feasible

Warning bells that he wants time off to tinker with his car. Most of us have children 24/7. Be thankful for the time he has with her. Once every two weeks is a slippery slope.

"just not feasible" - I'm not suggesting you have to find a way because it may not actually be the best solution, but those of us who have children 24/7 find a way (because you have to).

Due to him having previous commitments, your dp can't change his arrangements. (Maybe you can take that extra hour you've changed the evening arrangements to and add it onto a morning instead?!)

Due to her having previous committments, your dp's ex can't change her arrangements.

Yet she's selfish?

Where are you going to ship your new child off to for 12 nights at a time?

OP, you and your partner are the ones being selfish.

Sat am to sun late afternoon is a full weekend. I imagine sd's mother would be amenable to adding a couple of hours to that on either side occasionally if you had particular plans with her which made that easier.

What you and your dp are proposing is dropping the weekly midweek tea, and the fortnightly sleepover and saturday.

Considering that sd's mother parents her child most of the week, every week, it is pretty cheeky to call her selfish!

YABVVU.

I notice you have dsd 5pm friday night to 5pm saturday night one week obv 24hrs, but 10am saturday to 5pm sunday the next week.

why not suggest 5pm saturday to 5pm sunday that weekend as a compromise?
That way dad also has a free day every weekend.

YABU- The fact of the matter is, your dp has a child from a previous relationship.
You knew this when you met him, let him see her when he wants.
The mother has them FIVE days a week, what is unfair about that exactly?

Mums work opportunities have to fit around the needs of the child - cant your wonderful partner go into work late one day a week? Rearranging working patterns and even entire careers is a fairly common occurence once kids come along.

The child is only four years old. The current arrangements suit her main carer and the child concerned. She needs to spend quality one on one time with her non-resident parent, not be dragged around to be "shown off" to all and sundry.

Why is Mum having one night off a week "selfish" but it's OK for you & your partner to have whole days to tinker with cars, not rearrange your working patterns around the needs of the child, go out most nights whenever you feel like it etc, etc?

Not trying to be rude but given the child's age it's pretty obvious Daddy bailed out and got together with you when DD was only tiny. Her mother has behaved with amazingly good grace regarding contact considering the circumstances. (Not many women can behave so unselfishly when abandoned for another woman while they still have a babe in arms, it's a very vulnerable time).

Now he needs more time off from his responsibility to tinker with cars? red flag alert Mum has been shouldering most of the real responsibility alone for a long time now - why exactly should she give up her one bit of freedom for YOUR benefit?

At only 4 I'm not too convinced that alternate weekends would be that good for the child yet as kids all mature at different rates - perhaps it's something to reconsider when she's a little older? I'm also not convinced you and your partner are quite mature enough to handle that level of responsibility just yet.

Many people do one overnight stay per week, usually Wednesday night (so the resident parent get a break that one night) and Friday till Sunday alternate weekends.

Would that work for you?

You are referring to dd and dsd, are there two children with two different exes we are talking about, or are you just inconsistently talking about the same child calling her dd or dsd?

I don't think OP is suggesting dropping the weekly midweek tea - at least, I can't see where she's mentioned that - just switching around weekend days.

Sorry, I think I have missed a lot of what you have said. I am not used to reading "streams of conscience" rather than composed sentences with punctuation. My fault.

Shouldn't the first priority be what is best for this little girl?

from what I can gather its just a weekend swap too. so someone has dd all weekend one week and the next the other person.
Can't see a problem myself but its not up to me or my opinion only the mothers.

What Bochead said.
This poor mother has had to bring up her daughter alone, without your "D" P, who it seems left when the girl was only tiny. Okay, so we don't know the ins and outs of the situation but, either way, this mother has had to bring up a baby pretty much single-handed. And now she's the selfish one for wanting one weekend night each week to herself?
She already has to fit her work, appointments, household jobs etc around childcare. Why she should alter her arrangements at the weekend just to suit you two, I have no idea.

Frankly, I think it's up to you and your DP to fit in with what the four-year-old would like, and what is also acceptable to her mother. If this involves his working different hours one day a week or - heaven forfend - not having as much time to play with his motor cars, then so be it.

How you could have thought the mother was being selfish from her response - ie, who will she get to mind her daughter if she wants to go out on a Saturday - I have no idea. Presumably, as she's a single mother, she doesn't have a lot of extra cash floating about to pay babysitters, and she looks forward to the one night a week where she can do something for herself.
I really don't get where you're coming from on this one. Sorry.

Maybe I've read it wrong re the weekly midweek teas, but I don't think so.

OP outlines the current arrangements, starting by mentioning 3hrs tea on tues, and weekend arrangements.

Then she says new proposed arrangements - alternate 'full' weekends.

The tues teas wud still be ongoing

No she is not a selfish mother.

The arrangement as it stands sounds great for this little girl, she gets to see her dad very regularly which as she is so young is a good idea.

My children go to their fathers every other weekend, that two week break between 'his' weekend is bloody long and lonely.

As it appears that you want to change this to suit your social life/time together I think it is you and your DP that are being selfish.

I suspect referring to her social life was the most polite answer she could give!

Your boyfriend is choosing to tinker with cars over seeing his daughter, and she's selfish?
Frankly, if I was the ex, I'd worry that this was the thin end of the wedge. I'd worry that the father would see his little girl less and less from now on, in favour of his "lovely new girlfriend" and his cars.

Hmm. I don't know.
I think maybe the way OP has phrased it has got peoples backs up (understandably) but, OP and her DP have dsd most of every other weekend, and exactly half of the other weekend, plus every tuesday for tea.

I don't think the mother is being selfish, (it's not selfish to want a social life) but I also don't think that OP and her DP are being selfish either.

My perspective is that of a lone parent who has dc 100% of the time, and I don't actually know if I would want to give up as much time with my 4 year old as the mother does.
In some ways, every other weekend, plus one day in the week might be less of a faff, and less to-ing and fro-ing for the child.

I do agree though that most parents do have no choice but to somehow re-arrange their working patterns around available childcare, as I know from bitter experience, so it shouldn't only be RP's who have to do this.

I asked my husband how he would feel about alternate weekends if we divorced. He stared at me in disbelief! He seemed to think it wasn't very much time. Odd, that...