Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think she is a selfish mother!

73 replies

upanddown83 · 24/09/2012 13:33

dp and i have his dd 4yo over every tues night for tea for 3 hrs then one week she stays fri night 5pm til sat 5pm the next week we get dsd sat 10am til 5pm sun
dp suggested to his ex last night that it might be better if they did alternate full weekends so both parents get to enjoy a full weekend with dsd as often we cannot get all family visits parties and activites done in a day and a half with dsd and thought her mother would feel the same
dp was also thinking it would be nice that we colud spend some time together on a saturday sometime (or he could tinker wif his cars) as from dsd was 1.5yo she had spend every saturday with dp apart from 3 saturdays she spend with her mother as dp was on holiday at stag do and working
the answer dp ex gave was no to everyother full weekend visits and i quote ' no that wouldnt work because who would i get to mind her when i go out if i have her the whole weekend on my own!
AIBU to think she is being selfish?

OP posts:
RubyFakeNails · 24/09/2012 14:24

I don't think its about staying in or going out, I think its about meaning she gets a night off every week rather than having weeks where she gets no nights off.

Considering she has the child alone the other 6 nights I don't think its unreasonable to want 1 night out per week.

Original poster
upanddown83 · 24/09/2012 14:25

i havent just come on the scene i have been his girlfriend for 3 years we met 8 months after they split up i have decided nothing i do not speak to his ex and do not interfere with any of his pans with his daughter and think it is very presumptous to assume that it is anything to do with me when i have said it is not i love having dsd to stay and will say again it was her response to the suggestion that made me Confused

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 24/09/2012 14:26

Why does her response confuse you? You don't have children, you certainly don't have a child full time and look forward to that one night a week that you have off, and have someone trying to persuade you to give it up.

Birdsgottafly · 24/09/2012 14:26

As well as my above post, i agree that any child,unless they live far away, shouldn't have to wait two weeks to see their parent.

One weekend every ytwo weeks is only the equivalent of seeing his child one day a week. Unless that is dictated by long working hours that cannot be justified.

It's a shame that as women we perpetuate that myth that men are fine to have so little involvement in their childs life.

It is also a shame that so many men don't want more than that.

HiHowAreYou · 24/09/2012 14:27

YABU.

It was a suggested option, it doesn't suit her. That's fair enough!

Your DP said he wanted some Saturdays to tinker with his cars. Why is that less selfish than someone wanting a night off or a night out once a week?

ramblinrose · 24/09/2012 14:28

You think it's strange that she wants one night a week to socialize, when her daughter is with her for the other 6 nights?

Sorry, but I think this is more about you and your partner having every other weekend to yourselves, and you're twisting it around to make her look unreasonable.

YABU

Birdsgottafly · 24/09/2012 14:28

Why did it make you Confused, do you and your partner not see him as a equal parent?

Should he not strive for as much time as his ex has, with their child?

FreudiansGoldSlipper · 24/09/2012 14:28

there could be other reasons and those saturdays maybe the only time she gets to spend with adults being a single parent can be very lonely. ds when he comes home from beign with his dad for a full weekend (not often stays there every other weekend) is difficult to handle, very demanding and clingy and it takes a few days for him to settle again

WaitingForMe · 24/09/2012 14:28

I'd really struggle with OPs arrangement as we regularly take my stepsons away for a weekend to visit friends. I also find it a little weird that the mother doesn't want her daughter for full weekends either as DHs ex does it nearly as often as we do.

And it needn't be 12 days between visits. The Tuesday tea could easily be an overnight. DH has had both his boys every Thursday night since he left (the youngest was 6 months old).

I think OPs DP should request a fortnight's trial. It's not for his ex to decide what happens, it's for them to decide together.

bigsnugglebunny · 24/09/2012 14:30

Why don't you suggest knocking the mid-week visit on the head and have her every weekend? Fri evening - Sun Afternoon?

Original poster
upanddown83 · 24/09/2012 14:30

HiHowAreYou i think u have hit the nail on the head its like i have suddenly seen the light yea she should be able to go out every week and obviously the current arrangement suits her so dp will just have to suck it up!

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 24/09/2012 14:30

OP if you have a child and you and your ex split, will you be happy to see your child once every two weeks?

Or do you see men as part time parents?

Mosman · 24/09/2012 14:31

Keep out if it OP no good ever comes of step parents having an opinion.

fedupofnamechanging · 24/09/2012 14:31

I think yabu to expect the mother to change an arrangement that suits her, in order to accommodate her ex's 'lovely new girlfriend'.

I think that at 4 years old it's nice for her to see her daddy every week, but also not spend too much time away from her mother (her primary care giver) for the whole weekend either.

Given that the arrangement is informal, there is no reason why you cannot occasionally have her for a whole weekend or swop your weekend time for weekdays if you wanted a weekend just with your partner.

Tbh, though, when you meet a man who has dc, you have to fit in with what arrangements have been made and deemed to be in the best interests of the child.

Birdsgottafly · 24/09/2012 14:31

the current arrangement suits her

Could you answer about the fact that his little girl will have to have it explained to her that she won't see him for two weeks and 'no' she cannot go for tea, as she does now?

EionMcLove · 24/09/2012 14:33

Maybe you could have her a short weekend one week and a full weekend the alternate week so you have some weekends to fit in family parties/visits etc. She is doing the vast majority of childcare so I wouldn't say she is selfish.

anditwasallyellow · 24/09/2012 14:33

Neither of you are being unreasonable as such but I think that the current arrangement provides more consitency to the dd as a whole weekend can be a long time to spend without mum or dad, I also think the current arrangement might suit the ex better if she has plans each weekend. Perhaps she has a boyfriend that she sees while dd is at yours (you may not know), perhaps she goes out once a week, as others have said however much you love your children a whole weekend with no adult company can be a long time.

CaseyShraeger · 24/09/2012 14:34

Both the current arrangement and the arrangement you've proposed are perfectly reasonable at this age. The mother prefers the current arrangement because she gets one evening to herself each weekend; your DP would prefer to change to every other weekend because then he could "tinker wif his cars" or spend time with you. I don't see why you think that one of these is selfish and the other isn't.

missymoomoomee · 24/09/2012 14:34

I know that I count down the minutes until DH comes walking through the door on particularly stressful days. Its bad enough sometimes looking at the clock and thinking there are 3 hours to go before I get a break, I would hate to be looking at the calender and thinking there are x amount of days until I get a break. YABU and a bit mean to call her selfish.

kinkyfuckery · 24/09/2012 14:35

How is your DSD expected to bond with any half-siblings if she's expected to only see them once a fortnight? I think that would be making it more difficult with no real reason to justify.

Original poster
upanddown83 · 24/09/2012 14:37

do ppl just read what they like in these posts seriously i have been with dp for 3 years definately not new on to the scene at all and dsd comes during the week one night for a visit as from one week to the next is too long between visits

EionMcLove i might suggest this to dp thanks

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 24/09/2012 14:38

How about suggesting that as well as every second weekend, you will also have her overnight midweek? Do you think dp's ex would be open to that suggestion?

DameKewcumber · 24/09/2012 14:39

And presumably under the proposed new arrangement if she does want to go out once a week then she'll have to pay a babysitter every other week and presumably money isn't thick on the ground. Perhaps you or your DP can offer to babysit on the nights that she wants off - after all you can go out any other night of the week that you choose. SHe can't.

Or have a week on a week off each. Much fairer.

McHappyPants2012 · 24/09/2012 14:39

I think the original plan is great it means she see her father every week.

I am with my DH ( dc father) and I get every Friday night and saturday morning off, I would be rather pissed off to have to give that up. It is my break after juggling all the household, work and child care.

DH gets Saturdays nights and Sunday morning.

WorraLiberty · 24/09/2012 14:41

To be fair OP (and I'm not being mean here)

Your posts would be a little easier to read if you added some punctuation.