To ask EX-P to stay when DD is born?

[Flumpy2012]

Hello,
I'm 27+4 into a pregnancy that has been very difficult with renal failure, gestational diabetes, depression, pre term labour several times and infections. My DP decided he couldn't cope and we weren't happy 10 weeks ago and moved out with his DS (15) and became exp.
After a rocky few weeks we are now getting on great living separate lives, we talk baby names and have been to buy all her things, he's at the hospital if there's an emergency etc. he still hasn't allowed to see his DS who I was v close to but I guess that will just come in time.

I have no family up here and few close friends and would really like him to come and stay for the first couple of weeks once we are home as he gets paternity leave. He is totally against this for some reason. His son could easily go to his mums or I'm happy for him to come and stay too, he doesn't have to be with us 24-7 just at night until I get settled.

I know loads of families where they get on and exp stays over at weekends etc to be with children and with the daunting prospect of being a new mum I didn't think this was unreasonable but I'm probably full of hormones!

Any advice or views would be great :-) x

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I do think you're giving him an easy ride, letting him bully and manipulate you into going along with his wishes and not arguing back. I understand you are feeling vulnerable just now, and why you might want to avoid confrontation at this time. Hopefully when you are feeling stronger you'll be able to stick up for yourself more.

Just focus on the facts: you are an experienced childcare provider, who is going to have a much longed for baby. You'll be fine, honestly. Take advantage of any help in the day, rest while he's there. It might be best if he doesn't stay over, it might blur the boundaries for both of you and complicate matters. I also think he is a prize shit for leaving you at your most vulnerable, you're better off without him if that's anything to go by!

I understand what you mean about not knowing if you will be well enough. I used to worry all the time that I would get flu or something-my family lived a long way away.
I once asked my mum what would happen if I got really ill and she said "well, they would take ds into care!" (Thanks mum!)
After that I think sheer fear prevented me from ever getting ill.

Glad you have Homestart.
I am sure you are aware that you may be at risk of PND , what with everything you have been through, so if you feel you are getting that after dd comes please come back on here for support?

Many of us have done what you are about to do, and with all your experience I am sure you and dd will be fine. I remember it being very hard, but still look back with warm feelings on the ds being tiny and carrying him everywhere with me in his sling.

It is sad about your Ex's ds, but maybe in time, as he gets older, he will see for himself that you have done nothing wrong.

Thank you for all your lovely messages and support.

He has currently said he will think about it and see how we are getting along, I won't push, it's up to him but all your support on here has made me see that even if he's not there I'll be ok just her and I.

Co sleeping really scares me, with the rolling or the duvet etc, ways to combat this?? xx

Flumpy to answer your questions - I don't set out to co-sleep but he does so at some point in the night. He lies in the crook of my arm on his back, and I either don't use duvet or it is at wasit height and none where he is (keep pillow away too). The crib you have should be nice and handy for night feeds even without co-sleeping.
If you truly think ex has turned dss against you, I do worry what he might say to your own child in the future? I appreciate you still like him but he gives all the evidence of being a prize knob.