To ask EX-P to stay when DD is born?

[Flumpy2012]

Hello,
I'm 27+4 into a pregnancy that has been very difficult with renal failure, gestational diabetes, depression, pre term labour several times and infections. My DP decided he couldn't cope and we weren't happy 10 weeks ago and moved out with his DS (15) and became exp.
After a rocky few weeks we are now getting on great living separate lives, we talk baby names and have been to buy all her things, he's at the hospital if there's an emergency etc. he still hasn't allowed to see his DS who I was v close to but I guess that will just come in time.

I have no family up here and few close friends and would really like him to come and stay for the first couple of weeks once we are home as he gets paternity leave. He is totally against this for some reason. His son could easily go to his mums or I'm happy for him to come and stay too, he doesn't have to be with us 24-7 just at night until I get settled.

I know loads of families where they get on and exp stays over at weekends etc to be with children and with the daunting prospect of being a new mum I didn't think this was unreasonable but I'm probably full of hormones!

Any advice or views would be great :-) x

[cestlavielife]

advertise for a volunteer dog walker for a few weeks - local pet shop or vets or church . or other dog walkers you must meet them locally.

honestly you really might not be up for walking dogs for at least a few days after birth !! surely is easy to organise dog walkers??

or ask the exp or the 15 year old to walk the dog???

if exp comes in day time you will be fine, you will manage; unless significant post birth injuries etc - in which case ask to stay in hospital as long as possible tell midwives you have no one at home.

[cestlavielife]

can you go stay with family for few days/weeks ?

[TidyGOLDDancer]

Ignore the get rid of the dog comments.

OP, I'm sorry you don't have more support locally, but you will find your own routine and way of doing things. Plan to do everything alone so at least it's not so much of a shock if this is how it ends up. If you do then get any pratical help and support, from anyone, see it as a bonus and use it however you wish.

[Birdsgottafly]

Is there a possibility that the 15 year old knows something about his dad that you cannot get to know?

I agree with what has been said about him being an arse.

You may have to accept that he won't give you the help that you want and just support your DD, who must be confused by the split and not seeing the DS.

[Flumpy2012]

Ex p will walk dog in the day so not a prob for fuss couple of weeks until I'm up to it.

Staying with family is not an option. Mother breeds stress and also 120 miles away. Am high risk and all my care is local to here I want to get settled where we will be before carting her off somewhere new

[MistressIggi]

It is hard to read your post without having violent urges toward this useless man. In my book you simply don't leave someone who is pregnant, you can't judge your relationship by what happens when pg or with a newborn so a bad time to split up, and you absolutely do not leave a woman with pg complications. He is very lucky you want him anywhere near this baby.
Incidentally, he is not legally entitled to take paternity leave unless he uses it to care for baby/partner.

[Flumpy2012]

Birds - what do you mean something I cannot know about ex-p?

DD isn't born yet. DS will just do whatever his dad says and has totally learnt need of him because his dad is so emotionally dependant on him. DS does not go out with friends etc as dad always suggests they do the things and tells him he is his best friend and his dad

[Flumpy2012]

I did try very hard to save relationship and organised counselling etc but he just wasn't interested in the end. We argued a lot toward the end and it was making his DS unhappy and me more unwell and very depressed and unable to sleep. He started lying and hiding things and it all just blew up.

I know I will be able to tell DD one day that I tried with all my might to be a family but it just wasn't meant to be but that I always made sure her dad was as involved as he wanted to be.

[OnTheBottomWithAWoodenLeg]

Flumpy it sounds like you are very worried about your own support (perfectly reasonably) and are trying to source it from the ex (but he's unwilling to give it).

However perhaps you need to be thinking that he will only supply support for the baby not you (for whatever reason) and you need to be mentally separating your life from him.

Re night support - will he be paying maintenance for the baby? You say you cannot afford an au pair or nanny - however, can you fund a night nanny for a few nights each week out of maintenance (it's not up to him what you spend it on!)

It may be easier for you in the longer term to build yourself up a support system that is NOT dependent on him - he does sound like a complete arse, I'm afraid - he's let you down badly already which does not bode well for the future.

[OnTheBottomWithAWoodenLeg]

His relationship with his 15 year old sounds EXTREMELY unhealthy - perhaps you've had a lucky escape. An adult depending on their child to that extent?

[Birdsgottafly]

"what do you mean something I cannot know about ex-p"

It doesn't really matter what your ex is doing, or has planned, tbh.

You need to be more confident in your ability to be able to manage.

Do what you have to to get through it, use a sling, co sleep etc.

I think that the downside of men being given Paternity Leave (which i agree with) is that women don't think that they can manage a baby on their own, if they have to.

[McHappyPants2012]

he sounds like an arsehole, walking out on his pregnant partner because he could support her during difficult parts of pregnancy.

tbh i wouldn't want him there, as to me when it does get tough he will just up and leave :(

[NowThenNowThen]

I said get rid if the dog because you made it sound as though it was ex,s dog anyway. I wasn't suggesting you shoot it or anything (god help you in the UK if you diss a dog !)
If the ARse will walk it, then good, because you may not be able to, partic if you end up having a c section.

[McHappyPants2012]

couldn't

[Birdsgottafly]

Are you being honest with your HCP's about being anxious?

I agree with "Onthe", you may never get the support that you need from him.

[scaevola]

"I have fears of her being a very unsettled baby after such a stressful pregnancy".

It's hard to put your worries to one side, but I'd urge you to do so with this one. There is no predictable relationship whatever between what happens in pregnancy and the baby's temperament once born.

[FreudiansGoldSlipper]

a little list of what you need to do/get before

make a weeks meals and freeze them, you can freeze bread and milk too
have 2 different formulas just in case you need to use it, ds could not take sma
2 packets of nappies
4 packets of wipes (for sick great for quick cleaning too)
get a sling i carried ds in a sling all the time at home it gave me free hands
get in biscuits and cake you will need a bit of sugar
wash vests, babygrows ready to wear
make sure biils and paperwork that needs doing is done
car seat
i found moses basket great

shall add to it later when i think of other things

stay calm you will be fine. you have to stop thinking about what he might do, what he is thinking and be pratical and sleep when your baby sleeps

[Flumpy2012]

Thank you for all your advice.

I suppose I just see it as no support or his support really.

His relationship with DS Is incredibly unhealthy to the point that there are no boundaries and no discipline at all. They now live in a flat like mates - he even does his hw for him.

We are attending the infant parent perinatal service this pm soil hoping the guy will get some more clarity out of him than I can.

I've been very calm and have never shouted at him or been angry at him for leaving, hatred is a waste of energy. But I do feel that if I struggle in those early weeks and he just comes round for cuddles I'm going to end up wanting to kill him!

I try to explain that we should negotiate because the support should be mutually beneficial ie. he shouldn't just get all the niceties and he should take some of the responsibility and challenges. He says this is blackmail - the all or nothing approach.

I just need to say that I have never said he cannt have part of DDs life and I have never put conditions on it either, I'm simply asking for this, if he still says no then I'm not going to take her away from him. I'm just not that sort of person.

I just know people that where there ex p doesn't have anywhere to take the child they come and stay to spend time with the children so that they do the yoyoing rather than the child. I've seen it work quite happily. I realise this could become difficult if new relationships become involved but we've both made v clear that's not on the cards for either of us.

I feel a bit like a child stamping my feet for what I want but on the other hand I do feel that I'm thinking about what is best for DD and a stressed out mum trying to bf etc an cook and wash etc alone isn't best IMO.

I'm now on bed rest so I can't even cook up meals for freezer etc. I spent the last weeks I could washing everything and ordering all the things she needs.

It's eye opening how you all think he's an arse and I am somehow deluded by him that he is a good man who wasn't happy.

I do think that he should've at least tried to solve the issues we had between us before abandoning ship but I guess that's in the past now.

His main excuse was that he couldn't put me and his DS first and it came down to a choice - bizzare when DS now spends immense amount of time alone whilst his dad is working and he used to spend that time with me after school etc.

[maddening]

If you cannot get adequate support from exp could you move to where you do? What are the constraints preventing you from doing so? With such a difficult pregnancy you might need more support and now is the time to move if you had that option...

[NowThenNowThen]

Weirdly, I was kind of in your position once.
Different situation with the Ex, but I also had problems in pregnancy at 26 weeks, had to quit work, was quite poorly until about 34 weeks.
I do think getting the practical arrangments together now is paramount. Try and mentally parcel off the emotional stuff.

Your mum may be a stress head but you might still find it helpful to have her for a few days.
I found that after the birth my mum, who was there for 4 days, was good at nipping out to the shops, washing up, taking out the bins etc.
I do remember on the first night carrying screaming ds into the living room where she was staying and saying "what do you think the matter is? I have fed him, and I think I have burped him but he wont stop crying" and she just looked really bewildered and said "I dont know!", so I wouldnt say she was a massive help with the baby, but the practical things were what I really needed.

After she left, I was already in a groove, and amazingly glad to be alone with ds sleepless little bugger tho he was.
It got a bit harder at around 2 months, when the exhaustion set in, and one thing I wish I had done was contact Homestart, but I didn't actually know I could.
I also didn't really ask for help from anyone, and I wish I had in hindsight. You may be surprised that people may not realise how worried you are.

I had a moses basket, but tbh for a few weeks ds slept on me, since it was the only way either of us got any sleep.
Think survival, and deal with the Ex at a later date, when you are able.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I think you should start being less accommodating.

This man has left you when you are having a difficult pg and won't even let you see his ds, who will be your baby's big brother. He sounds like a total arse.

You, otoh, sound utterly lovely, but I think you need to be a bit tougher with him.

I would not be letting him do the nice bits/be at the birth etc, if he's not willing to help you when you need it. I might be a bitch, but I wouldn't even be putting him on the birth certificate - I'd hold off registering the baby until I could see just how much of a father he was willing to be. If he steps up and is a proper support, then he's earned the right to be called a father. If not, then he doesn't deserve that title.

I think in a practical sense you have to plan as if he won't be there, so get as prepared as you can now - stockpile food, baby supplies and whatever else you will need, at least for the first week. Get supermarket shopping delivered etc.

[fedupofnamechanging]

If you can't cook, then order ready meals that can go straight in the freezer.

[Hormonalhell]

I can see where you are coming from Flumpy I too am single although my baby's dad plans to have nothing at all to do with his little boy . I have two children already aged 12 and 10 so I know what its like to have somebody there in the first few days home with a new baby. I am quite an anxious person and do worry and I too am quite scared of how i'll cope, I have my children so not totally on my own but its not the same as having an adult with you. I just think if you have to do something you'll just do it. Am also scared of going through labour without having a partner to hold my hand and share the joy with me

[Flumpy2012]

Thank you again, I'm really appreciating all this.

I am gutted that he won't let me see his DS as I miss him admit I feel exp has trashed the lively relationship I had with him by bad mouthing me and at one point he changed his number so DS would obviously have thought I was the bad guy and also because he worships his dad. It's really hard as I don't want his DS to feel forced but we always had fun and now I feel he'd be embarrassed to bump into me or anything because of what EP has said and done. But like I said I can't change what has been just have to try and sort out moving forward.

I've ordered lots of ready meals and I have hundreds of vests and sleepsuits mostly generously donated so I won't worry too much about washing. I have lots of blankets, grobags, bibs, sheets, muslins etc so I can let things build up and hopefully get on top of it on occasions when DD sleeps or I have some help.

Se has beautiful swinging crib and a lovely carrycot for her pram so good places for sleeping upstairs and downstairs.
I have a small confession, I am a qualified nanny with almost 10 years experience so I shouldn't really be too worried. I've looked after tiny babies, long term unwell babies and toddlers and big children and always been wry capable. I really think it is more my own health I'm worried about and not being well enough for her. I've collapsed with kidney pain, fainted with low bp, been known to excessively bleed etc and it all worries me that I something like that happens what will happen to her!

Home start already come to see me for an hour once a week. I have neighbours etc but no one I'm really close to.

I'd rather my mum came when I was more settled otherwise she really will push me over the edge. I haven't moved back for a reason, I love her dearly and my dad but distance is healthy. Another reason for not moving closer is that exp's family live in my parents road and detest me and through this whole process I feel ripped of my self esteem and confidence and wouldn't really feel able to face living near them. Silly I know.

I think all o your advice and comfort that I will be ok on my own is actually more help than anything.

He knows i'd like him to stay but I have told him I only need it of I'm struggling if I'm fine then he needn't. But I can't force him. I will just give him every opportunity to be a hands on good dad but what he does with that is his call.

If I'm strong with him and express my opinion I get accused of manipulation and emotional blackmail or guilt tripping so
I sort of get trapped to either go along with what he wants or just have nothing - Sophie's choice I guess. He can be quite dominating and controlling, if I say something he doesn't like he'll leave or shout or if i try to explain things he threatens to cut all contact again.

[Agnesinroom25]

I really don't want to upset you op but alarm bells are ringing for me only because I was in a similar situation.
Are you sure he hasn't got a new partner or back with the ex I only say this because when I needed exp to help out during a tough time when I was very ill and pg with his child he would help out all the time in the day but point blank refused to help at night. He also cut me of from people who could tell me something he didn't want me to find out which was that he was living with a girl from work.
I hope this isn't the case for you I really do.