To never want to do another playdate again and to think that ds really shouldn't be like this at 5 years old

[lecce]

I am sitting here in tears after another disastrous playdate, feeling like we have done something seriously wrong with ds. I would love someone to tell me whether or not I am over-reacting and this is, in fact, normal five year old behaviour.

The problem is he is absolutely terrible at sharing or, from what I can see, accepting that other people have different ideas for games etc. As soon as things are not going his way he throws the most almighty tantrums with red face, tears and screaming. Then he just lies on the floor sucking his thumb. None of the other children I see him with ever do this, or, if they do, it is to a far lesser extent and they seem to snap out of it far more easily.

He just seems downright selfish and unpleasant, though I hate myself for writing that. I feel that soon no one will want to see us as he is just such hard work. He is easier at other people's houses but that is because they all share their stuff, unlike him .

I suppose it is worse because I work full-time so the weekend is all I have and now I feel this one has been dominated by a totally shit event that showed him at his worst.

When it happens we take him aside and talk to him calmy but it doesn't get through to him. He has got a lot worse over the last 6 months or so, though I can't see any reason for the change. We have never used methods such as the naughty-step etc.

His behaviour is excellent at school, in fact, his teacher once commented that he is more emotionally mature than many others in the class

Also dh believes we should be seeing more of them, not less, because we should be making sure we cement the friendship

You can't cement friendships on behalf of your children. I honestly think that you are worried about things that are out of your control here. Some friendships are lasting, some don't take. You aren't failing your child if the latter is the case.

My mindees have been having playdates since they were less than a year old, there's one little friend of theirs that's a bit like lecce's little boy. I tackle it by going into cheerleader mode, I set up structure activity like baking/puzzles/arts and crafts and heap on the praise when they help or share. If they get fussy or start a tantrum I switch to another activity quick and if things get really out of hand I remove the toddler until he/she calms down.

Maybe he's just an introvert and needs a lot of downtime. I don't see what the fuss is about with early friendships TBH. You're not formed at 5. How on earth are you supposed to know which other unformed 5 year olds are good friendship material? All my lasting friendships were made in secondary school and university, when you can negotiate friendship boundaries more as adults. Before that I got on well with other children within school, but basically kept myself to myself. My mum worried about not having the right social circle in exactly the same way you are, but really it wasn't anything she was doing wrong. I simply found playing with other children stressful and sometimes boring, and all my most fun, relaxing play was on my own.

I have a five year old DS and work full time and he plays up sometimes when we have playdates. I think, like other posters have said, that kids that little don't necessarily want or need playdates. It's hardly going to scupper their social life when they're 18 if they don't have playdates now. Give you and him a break and leave the playdates for a while.

I wouldn't worry about these particular friendships if you are moving, and DS will be at another school.

I do think that you need more confidence in your own ability to carry out discipline or implement rules or consequences. Who cares if the other parents don't do things exactly the same as you? Children are all different, and therefore we have to work out solutions that work for them. Maybe starting again with a new set of school friends and their families might be just what you all need.

It's worth remembering that when overtired, starting an infection, or have just had a bad day at school supposed bad behaviour happens to all DC at times, and they change who they play with at school quite frequently. The ones they play with there might not ever be asked by DS if they can come to play at your home.

I agree that it can be difficult to manage bossy and forceful child guests where your DS feels railroaded and defensive. I would advise putting certain toys out of bounds and deciding with DS what is OK to leave out to be played with. You could minimise the playing time. You could play away from the home eg the play area at the park. Or you could do things with the DC like making models, perhaps DS would benefit from DH engaging with both boys in something like this.

Please though don't make your DS be friends with someone who is your good friends child, if he doesn't want to be, or they don't want to be friends with him.

Maybe he needs down time after being so well behaved all week. He probably just likes being at home with you and your husband and has shared all week and doesn't want to at the weekend.

I am really sorry if my post upset you Lecce - reading it back without any tone is quite flat and accusatory. Like the bit about sharing was my view on sharing not an accusation you didn't glorify the wonders of sharing from an early age

I have a 6yo ds who was very similar to yours at 4-5ish. We had a close group of friends he had known since he was a baby but he was terrible at playing with them. He was utterly obsessed with lining things up so when we went round to other people's houses he would just get out the cars or trains and line them up. Another child woudl inevitably move something out of the line and he would have a terrible meltdown. ALL THE TIME.

We soldiered on because the mums were my friends too and I wanted to see them, but it was hard going at times. Much better if there was nothing he could line up!

Anyway, he grew out of it. Now he just whinges at me constantly that his friends want to (shock) play with his toys and don't want to go out and play football with him.

What was my point again... ah yes, I think he will grow out of it and I really don't think you have to force it. If these are boys he sees at school their friendship will develop there. Or meet for short periods of time, or at the park.

So it sounds like neither of you are that used to it. He is quite new to having children over and you are quite new to disciplining in front of other parents. Is that right?

In that case i think its just a matter of practice. For now choose the least stressful ways of doing it.