MIL cut Ds' hair!

[annieee]

DS (16 months) stayed at MILs for the night in the week, it doesn't happen often but she has him 1 day a week while we work, and takes him shopping and into town/ to visit her mother etc, then drops him back to us. We have never had any issues with the way she cares for him, except for 1 time when DP asked her to make sure he gets a chance to sleep in the day at some point - he is in and out of the car/shops so often he barely got 30 minutes, and would come home miserable and tired, and scream all night.
He came back from her house with an obviously shorter fringe, he doesn't look stupid but me and DP were furious, we had made it quite clear to her on numerous occasions that we didn't want his hair cutting, we like it long and will cut it when he gets older. I was quite upset also at not being there for his first haircut - sounds silly but quite important to me.
DP asked MIL if she had cut in and she replied saying that she thought growing it would hinder his eyesight, and she didn't think it would be a problem, so didn't think to ask or tell us!
AIBU to be livid? I can't imagine EVER cutting anyone elses baby's hair! To make it worse she then turned us saying 'never do it again, it's really upset us' into a massive issue about how we don't think she can look after DS (not true) and now thinks it best she doesn't look after him in the week, as she can't stand the stress.
Maybe its all the pregnancy hormones but it's made me really cross, and quite upset that she would use this either as an excuse (?) or to cut her own nose off to spite her face and not see DS, I can't see how we could have handled it differently except for saying cutting DS' hair is fine, which it isn't!
Sorry very long post, didn't want to drip feed.

She's being 'precious' 2rebecca as it's effectively her baby's first ever hair cut. And she wasn't there.

Sorry i've not read the thread and i'm sure i'll be in the minority but it's just hair and if it was really in his eyes and annoying him maybe he did need it cut. I wouldn't make a huge deal of it just say please don't do it again.

I've been in a very similar situation, OP.

It was my DM, not MIL. She didn't see her relationship to DD1 being any different from mine. I didn't rely on her for childcare but my parents wanted to look after her and I was happy for them to spend time with her.

My DM had the view that when my DD was with her she was in the position to make all decisions about her. She used to introduce new foods to DD1 without even telling me afterwards. DD1 had a lot of food allergies and intolerances so it mattered that new foods were introduced carefully.

My DM crossed the line in various ways on many occasions and no matter how carefully, flippantly, gently or politely I tried to ask her not to do things again I was always treated to hysterics. we also used to get the "I can't take the stress of looking after her if you're going to treat me like this".

I soon realised that I needed to allow her to have her say and then calmly agree that she needn't look after DD1 if it was too much for her. She did come round to the idea after a while that she just needed to stop doing it. Luckily for her my sister soon had two DD who she couldn't wait to pack off to Grandma's every weekend and school holidays from day one so my DM got to play mother to them and do all the things I wouldn't let her do to my DD.

I would calmly agree that your MIL shouldn't have to take the stress of looking after your DS for a while but she's more than welcome to have him again when she feels ready. If, in the future, she does anything else you've asked her not to do don't be afraid to raise it politely with her and then take the wrath you incur on the chin. The other option would be to allow the hysterics to stop you challenging her in future and that won't make for a happy relationship.

I think if this was about more than a cut fringe, I'd agree with you, but I think you've been OTT about it and I can see why she's upset.

She shouldn't have cut his hair, but your reaction is over the top and unecessary. She trimmed his fringe. It will grow back. It's really, honestly not worth being 'furious' or 'livid' about.

Her reaction to your objection sounds a bit over the top, but from the tone of your OP it doesn't sound like you calmly said 'please don't cut his hair again'. If you phoned up shouting/crying down the phone 'oh god.....the 2cm of hair that you've chopped off DS, we're soooo upset, NEVER DO IT AGAIN!'. Then I can see why she'd rather not get involved with his care at all.

Just out of interest, the first time she's done something that annoyed you, you were straight on the phone complaining. How often do you thank her for all the times she looks after DS really well? Have you ever rung to say 'thanks so much for having DS today, he had a lovely time'?

She's being very manipulative.

She does something that crosses a line and you tell her that it has upset you. She then sepnds all day crying?!? She says maybe she shouldn't look after your DS and you have to phone her to apologise for upsetting her. And then you get her mother phoning about how you've treated her daughter because you apologised but stuck to your guns that she was wrong to cut his hair???

Tell her you hadn't realised what a burden it was for her to have your DS and you're making alternate arrangements so she doesn't feel so stressed. Then wait for the volte face.

Sometimes when people are upset and cry it's because they are upset.
Maybe she's got other things on her plate, like the Op has

It's a control issue, purely and simply. It's not an innocent "oh his hair's in his eyes, I'll just sort that out", because then you would mention it at handover time.

My mother was obsessed with cutting hair, to the point that it gave me real issues about it as a child. She used to run a playgroup and used to cut the fringes of the children there - without asking. The trouble was no-one called her up on it, so she kept doing it. She isn't, and was never, a hairdresser, nor did she have any skill at hair cutting.

She took DD1 away on holiday when she was 3 and I said to her up front that I expected her to be returned with the same length hair. On return she kept on that it was so hot that it would have been better had they cut DD's hair, especially when a family they met out there had recently cut their own DD's waist length hair really short for the holiday, but she didn't dare.

Years later my DC stayed at her house (at her request, not mine) and she mentioned casually during a phone-call that she'd just cut DS1's hair. "you've done what?!". She was well aware he went regularly to the hairdresser and he wasn't due a trim. The hairdresser was not impressed by mum's attempt at layers. She never ever ever did it again.

OP if you hadn't made a fuss your MIL would just have continued to cut your DS's hair whenever she felt like it.

Sabriel

That is interesting. What is it with hair? Even my mum, who tries her very best to be non interfering, has opinions about my DSs hair

My grandad was obsessed with the idea that hair in my eyes would damage them. He pinned it back. At most, he used ajn elastic band to get it out of my eyes. He never cut it. And he was a cantankerous old bastard. A much loved one.

How dare she cut his hair!

I would have been furious too, and her over reacting to your measured response to it would just infuriate me further.

She shouldn't have done it and she should really should have accepted you point and moved on

I think her subsequent attention seeking melodramatics actions have confirmed you initial response. I wouldn't engage in more platitudes, she needs to stop laying the guilt at you door for something she initiated, rightly or wrongly (the fact she didn't mention anything suggests she knows it is the latter).

YANBU but YWouldBU to let it escalate / fester / stress your pregnant self out further.

I can't remember if I was there or not for my kids' first hair cuts. I never endowed the occasion with any special significance and it wasn't until I came on mumsnet that I realised so many parents (or is it just mothers?) do feel so attached to their child's hair. Their dad may well have taken them, if their fringes got in their eyes I may well have cut it myself as I cut my own hair inbetween proper cuts.
Some people seem to be giving it an almost religious significance like Delilah cutting Samson's hair. It's just hair, all kids have it, it grows and needs cutting. Having your hair cut isn't that exciting. Small kids hate sitting still and I suspect if their dad had taken them I'd have been grateful not to have had to endure the whinging.

I think a one off fringe cut is different to a relative who repeatedly cuts a child's hair when they have been asked to and when it doesn't need cutting, especially if they make a hash of it. That is just mad.

My MIL cut my DDs shoulder length curls into a page boy do which then curled up into helmet hair when she was 20months

she was due to be a bridesmaid for my friend, MIL no connection to the wedding took it upon herself to 'tidy' it up -she was a former hairdresser former for a reason and cut her other GC's hair so hadn't even considered that it might be a problem

I burst into tears when I saw it while dd was sitting there saying 'I've got pretty hair mummy'

she didn't, no one agreed with this statement other than MIL

I spent 4 months dragging it into bunches using a million clips until it was long enough to look decent again

I cried lots :(

YANBU

I understand your point but you've handled it badly when she is, in essence, doing you a favour.

Never, ever, get her DS to criticise her by text.

"It's a control issue, purely and simply."

Sabriel is spot on.

This is a case of "I disagree with a decision you have made about my grandson and therefore will deal with it as I think appropriate and present you with a fait accompli. If you dare to criticise me for doing it I will create an enormous fuss in order to prevent you challenging me for taking action again in the future."

If she simply felt that the text had been an inappropriate way to raise the issue she would have said this. Her issue is with the fact that you have reminded her that it is not her place to make these decisions and, worse still, her son has come down squarely on your side, not hers.

This is about you and your MIL negotiating where the boundaries to her role as DGM. She isn't happy about where you've drawn this boundary but giving in to her will just blur matters and it will happen again when she disagrees with you in the future.

My mum and sister cut DD's hair when she was about 8 months old, (without consulting me).

I was a bit taken aback at first, but decided not to make a fuss, it isn't really a big deal.

However, I have a v good relationship with my mum and sis, so it was easy to let it drop. If my MIL had done it, I would have (I think) been a lot more upset, and found it a lot harder to forgive. (I can remember my best friend giving my pfb, then aged 2, sips of cola, and being a bit but deciding not to say anything, but there are other people who, if they had done the same, I would probably have hit the roof over.)

So, really, not so much about the haircut, and more about the relationship you have with your MIL, I think.

"She spent all of yesterday in floods of tears, I ended up ringing her to say sorry for making her feel like she 'had failed us' and reiterated about 1000 times that we love her having DS and she does a great job, we just didn't want her to cut his hair and not tell us. We told her not to cut it again, not that we think she is a crap grandma and incapable, which is how she has taken it We then had calls from DPs Grandma asking what on earth had gone on as MIL was hysterical, after all she has done for us and we make her feel bad etc."

I would be more concerned about this response than the hair cut to be honest. She has/is using emotional blackmail to turn this around and make herself out to be the victim and her partner is obviously supporting her/enabling her to do this.

She has managed to turn around what was justifiable upset at cutting your childs hair into you bending over backwards to apologise. Kudos to her what a skilled manipulator.(I know it will grow back, but 'first times' are important to parents)

YANBU to be angry as I would feel the same. However experience has taught me that sometimes you have to get these things in perspective. Is it really worth sacrificing your previously good relationship with you MIL for the sake of hair that will grow back. I understand you wanted to be there for the first haircut and i'd be upset too, but think about the bigger picture. I would be tempted to let it go. You've told her not to do it again and that should be enough to prevent it happening again.

YANBU. You specifically asked her not to cut your childs hair. If you hadn't had that conversation, then maybe YABU and she mis-read the situation.

BUT, to have deliberately done something you asked her not to is out of order.

YANBU I would be furious!

Thankfully my MIL is wonderful and knows how fussy DH and I are would'nt dream of doing anything like this.

DH was angry at her last week for even telling him to get DSs hair cut.

My sister on the other hand gave DD (PSB) chocolate when my back was turned about 30 seconds after I had told her not to as she had never had real food yet and DH and I were looking forward to giving her real solid food for the first time later that week. Bloody bitch!

We're not rally precious, honest