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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL cut Ds' hair!

73 replies

annieee · 23/09/2012 11:46

DS (16 months) stayed at MILs for the night in the week, it doesn't happen often but she has him 1 day a week while we work, and takes him shopping and into town/ to visit her mother etc, then drops him back to us. We have never had any issues with the way she cares for him, except for 1 time when DP asked her to make sure he gets a chance to sleep in the day at some point - he is in and out of the car/shops so often he barely got 30 minutes, and would come home miserable and tired, and scream all night.
He came back from her house with an obviously shorter fringe, he doesn't look stupid but me and DP were furious, we had made it quite clear to her on numerous occasions that we didn't want his hair cutting, we like it long and will cut it when he gets older. I was quite upset also at not being there for his first haircut - sounds silly but quite important to me.
DP asked MIL if she had cut in and she replied saying that she thought growing it would hinder his eyesight, and she didn't think it would be a problem, so didn't think to ask or tell us!
AIBU to be livid? I can't imagine EVER cutting anyone elses baby's hair! To make it worse she then turned us saying 'never do it again, it's really upset us' into a massive issue about how we don't think she can look after DS (not true) and now thinks it best she doesn't look after him in the week, as she can't stand the stress.
Maybe its all the pregnancy hormones but it's made me really cross, and quite upset that she would use this either as an excuse (?) or to cut her own nose off to spite her face and not see DS, I can't see how we could have handled it differently except for saying cutting DS' hair is fine, which it isn't!
Sorry very long post, didn't want to drip feed.

OP posts:

BlueMoon74 · 23/09/2012 12:36

YANBU. I'd be blazing!

The same thing actually happened to my own mum back in the 70's when my brother was a toddler. MIL (my Grandma!) decided that my brother's hair was too long and needed cutting. It was the first cut too. My mum was really upset. As she said (when she told me the story), it wasn't even about the hair - she saw it as a deliberate attempt by MIL to undermine my mother and control a situation; one that she didn't have the right to do.

Obviously, I KNOW that my mum will never do this to my child when the time comes for a first haircut, but on the basis of the story, I'm going to make sure I tell my MIL (who has power issues herself!!) that under no circumstances is she to ever ever ever cut my daughter's hair!!!

If this makes me pfb, then so be it! :) I don't agree with the posters who say that they don't see the problem. Just because you're the Grandma, does not give you the right to cut your grandchild's hair - MORE so if it's the grandchild of your DIL and not your own daughter! (on the grounds that you probably know how your own daughter might react, less so your DIL) (same as cutting the hair of a child of a friend)

BlueMoon74 · 23/09/2012 12:38

oh. Just saw you'd even specifically told MIL you didn't want his hair cut..

This makes it even worse!!!! She deliberately went against your wishes. Livid. Yes, I'd be livid!

KatieScarlett2833 · 23/09/2012 12:41

Would a childminder cut a mindees hair against the parents wishes?

Would a nursery?

Would a preschool teacher?

Why does being a childs grandparent confer rights to this? (to all those who think this is fine)

janey68 · 23/09/2012 12:48

No one has actually said 'if granny looks after the kids for free she can do what she likes' so it's disingenuous to imply that. All people are saying is that there are always nuances to these situations and that it often seems to be he case on MN that mums who use relatives like this, complain about X,Y and Z not being done how they want

This isn't the only gripe the op has had- she said they complained previously because MIL was out and about too much and the child was getting tired

That suggests to me that MIL has her own life to live and it doesn't revolve around a toddlers nap times.

Very often mums say 'but I thought I was doing her a favour letting her look after johnny X times a week. She adores him!'
Loving and wanting to be involved with a grandchild does not necessarily equate to being a childminder at times to suit the parents, and with their rule book applied. Maybe many grandparents just want to love and enjoy their grandchildren without the big responsibility which comes with regular care.

TidyGOLDDancer · 23/09/2012 12:53

Well you have handled the aftermath badly, but she shouldn't have done it, so there are mistakes on both sides.

You can only reiterate that you are sorry you have hurt her, but that you were upset about the haircut and your stance won't change on that. If she chooses not to accept your position, then there's little you can do.

Mylittlepuds · 23/09/2012 14:35

I'd be livid. YANBU.

lovebunny · 23/09/2012 14:38

next time you go round, take large scissors.

stand near your mil, snipping the air. when she queries it, tell her you'd like her hair differently styled and that you intend to do it right now.

see what she says.

Tiago · 23/09/2012 14:40

YANBU. You told her not to cut it, and she did it anyway. Total disregard for your wishes.

mintsauceandgravy · 23/09/2012 14:41

Op, I have almost been in your shoes and I was livid enough at that... My MIL nagged day in day out about my DDs hair and used the same ridiculous argument about her eyesight ("she'll get a squint!!") and even threatened us with "if you dont cut it I will". I was so upset so completely see where you were coming from.

She finally shut her trap when DH said if you lay a finger on her hair, I'll cut yours off.

Your MIL is being pathetic and YANBU

Mylittlepuds · 23/09/2012 15:02

Why do they care? Why? Why? Why?!!! Can you see I'm getting riled? Why can't GPs just leave things like that to the parents? Why even mention it? It's so bizarre. Mine are the same over a host of issues.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/09/2012 15:06

"She spent all of yesterday in floods of tears... We then had calls from DPs Grandma asking what on earth had gone on as MIL was hysterical, after all she has done for us and we make her feel bad etc ..... "
Sorry, but this woman need to get a grip and get over herself. It sounds like she's not used to being called to account for her actions.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/09/2012 15:08

And DP's Grandma needs to back off too, trying to guilt-trip you with the "after all she has done" for you crap.

CwtchesAndCuddles · 23/09/2012 15:41

My mum cuts both my dc hair, she is a hairdresser and cuts mine too!! She has once or twice snipped away when I haven't been there and I'd rather she hadn't but it's never been a big deal.

If my MIL had taken it on her self to get their hair cut I would be livid!!!

mynewpassion · 23/09/2012 15:44

Its just the fringe covering his eyes, right? No big deal.

mynewpassion · 23/09/2012 15:45

MIL needs to get a grip and so does OP. Get over it both of you.

maddening · 23/09/2012 15:46

Janey - there are posts advising that if you don't like it don't use free childcare so yes that has been said on this thread and many others.

Also - if mil has her own life and dosen't want to look after a toddler then as a grown woman she should just say "no" as should all these other hard done to GP's forced into slave labour apparently

MrsCampbellBlack · 23/09/2012 15:48

YANBU - and I agree with Brdgirl totally.

LittleBairn · 23/09/2012 15:49

Yanbu I've known so many grandmothers who have done it. IMO its often a control thing, they reclaim a little bit of power by having DGC hair their preferred way.
The only effective way of making sure this doesn't happen again is to make it clear that it's not to happen again and if it does she won't be allowed unsupervised access to DGC.

Mylittlepuds · 23/09/2012 15:58

It's absolutely a control thing. It's pathetic. And if it's not such as big deal then why did the MIL insist on doing it? Without permission? Arrghh. Angry for you OP.

BadLad · 23/09/2012 16:15

Just because you're the Grandma, does not give you the right to cut your grandchild's hair - MORE so if it's the grandchild of your DIL and not your own daughter! (on the grounds that you probably know how your own daughter might react, less so your DIL)

What?

But if it's the child (I presume you mean, not grandchild) of your DIL then you probably know how your own son might react better than how a SIL might react.

Honsandrevels · 23/09/2012 16:32

My mil done this. Dd had never had it cut and wasn't even very long. They chopped her curls off above her ears, giving her a mullet.

They were helping look after dd as I was in and out of hospital with preeclampsia. I was furious but felt we couldn't say anything as they were helping us out. I still feel furious when I think about it.

Like someone said up thread, its a control thing. We've moved now and they don't do childcare regularly any more.

janey68 · 23/09/2012 17:04

I didn't say grandparents are 'forced into slave labour'! I'll assume you're just using hyperbole to try to make more of an impact!

Of course it's not slave labour but lets be honest- these things are rarely black and white. We frequently hear from mums saying they can't afford childcare so use granny- well, that kind of implies that it's not that easy for granny to say no. I've also seen the view on here that extended family 'ought' to provide this sort of favour- so clearly there is pressure on some grandparents whether it's voiced or not

I said in my first post that I wouldn't cut a child's hair (apart from my own) and I don't believe providing free childcare gives someone the right to do as they please BUT I also think that looking after children on a regular basis is hard work and if the signals that granny gives out is that she's not willing to just bend to the parents wishes, then they are daft to continue the arrangement.

Cherriesarelovely · 23/09/2012 17:14

My ex MIL cut my DD's hair from shoulder length from to short once when she was about 3. I was so upset and angry. I know exactly how you feel. No YANBU, it is overstepping the mark by a long way.

happychappy · 23/09/2012 17:14

I agree Janey, I think family/friend childcare arrangements are difficult and to work needs good strong relationships to start with. If they're not in place to start with it will inevidentitably become impossible.

2rebecca · 23/09/2012 17:21

I don't understand why parents are so precious about tiny kids' hair. You cut the hair of older kids when it gets in their eyes what is all the fuss about little kids' hair? I really don't get it. If she cut it too short for your liking it will grow, the child is too young to care. Why would you want your toddler to look like the dulux dog anyway?
Having said that if I'm a grandparent i'd never cut a kid's hair without parental permission because I know it is an emotive issue for some parents.
If I thought their hair was getting in the way of them seeing I'd stick it back in a hairband whilst they are with me, although i'm not a fan of lots of hair furniture in fine baby hair. I do think small kids should be entitled to hair cuts that enable them to see though, and think fringes are cute.
I think MIL telling you where you can stuff her free childcare is fair enough though as you obviously don't trust her to look after him.

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