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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to friend staying here

40 replies

asecretnamechange · 22/09/2012 18:00

Have name changed for this. (Sorry for grammar and spelling)

I have a friend who I have known since secondary school. She can be lovely but has always been over-dramatic and she can get very grumpy at times. She is also flirty with everyone and anyone. She doesn't do much for her DCs as she would rather spend time with friends. Her DP does most of it even though he is the only one who works.

She has been with her DP for years and she met him when she was 17. He broke up with her shortly afterwards but they got back together and they have been together for over 15 years. They have 2 DCs together.
My friend slept with another man and became pregnant by this man. She hid this for a while but then decided to tell her DP the truth. He wasn't happy and told her to leave. He is keeping there DCs with him because he does the most with them. My friend doesn't care that he has the DCs, but she does want the house. However because he has the 2 DCs and pays the rent, she can't have it.

She got herself a flat but it was very expensive and she couldn't pay the rent. So she asked to stay here. Our house is full with me, DH and six DCs so I said she could stay a week at the most but she would have to find somewhere else. She said no she wants to stay here till the baby is born (she is 5 months pregnant).

She could stay with her Aunt or her mum but she won't because it is far away from her friends (an hours drive).
She keeps calling and asking no matter how many times I say No.
She says IABU because she is prenant. But I have so far stuck to it,but I am worried that I am doing the wrong thing.

So aibu?

OP posts:
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 22/09/2012 18:02

YANBU at all. Stick to NO. You would be nuts to let her come and stay.

tutu100 · 22/09/2012 18:02

YANBU. She has created her own situation. You are not responsible for her. I can't believe she's trying to guilt you into having her stay when your house must be bursting at the seams already with your own family of 8.

Just keep saying no.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 22/09/2012 18:03

No.

Next time she asks put the phone down.

Eight of you in one house is plenty and she's hardly going to househunt with a new baby, is she?

She's being pushy and rude.

trixymalixy · 22/09/2012 18:03

YANBU. She has made her own bed. Stick to your guns, you have enough on your plate with 6 DC!!

DontmindifIdo · 22/09/2012 18:03

Oh god, YANBU - if she stays until the baby arrives, she'll then expect you to look after her, you can't boot someone out who's just had a baby, she'll be with you for at least a year in total.

I would say no to a week to be honest, once she's in you won't get rid of her. She's not homeless, she has chosen a flat she can't afford, so assuming she could move to a smaller place (she must hve known what the rent was compared to her income when she moved in), she could move in with her mum or her Aunt, but she'd rather put you out? Sod that.

RuleBritannia · 22/09/2012 18:04

No you are not. She is being U.

The question is: how can you get her things into the car and take her over to her mother or aunt?

If you have their contact details, could you let them know the situation and ask for their first-stop help?

Joiningthegang · 22/09/2012 18:04

From the title I was expecting to be saying yabu

However - you are absolutely not being unreasonable - she has made her bed....

Pr1mr0se · 22/09/2012 18:06

You are not BU, it's your house so your rules. Plus, an hours drive really isn't a big deal. Better to keep your friendship by not getting too close by living in the same house, keep some distance and be supportive by meeting up rather than living with. After all she is an adult.

Original poster
asecretnamechange · 22/09/2012 18:07

She has no job , so she lives off benefits. But she refuses to put her name down for a council house as she thinks it will make her common.

OP posts:
SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 22/09/2012 18:07

YANBU. I wouldn't even have her for a week. Once she's in, she will never leave.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 22/09/2012 18:09

YANBU. Please keep saying no.

Better still, say "If you cannot respect me enough to accept my answer, then I would rather you didnt call anymore."

She sounds so immature and irresponsible.

ENormaSnob · 22/09/2012 18:10

I wouldn't have her at all, not even 1 night.

In fact, I wouldn't even have her as a friend.

puds11 · 22/09/2012 18:11

I wouldn't put her up at all. She created this mess, it's not your responsibility. Surely if shes not keen on kids she wouldn't want to stay in house with 6 anyway?

purplehouse · 22/09/2012 18:15

ENormaSnob has said it all. There is no more to it, take that advice!

Original poster
asecretnamechange · 22/09/2012 18:20

I have no idea why she wants to stay here. I have been told by a mutual friend that she is expecting me to give her one of my DCs rooms but I have made it clear that she would stay in the living room on a sofa bed if she came for the week.
I offered a week incase she has nowhere to go when she is chucked out her flat.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 22/09/2012 18:22

she does sound like she needs a big dose of "grow up" - do'nt let her stay at all, not one night. She has options, she's just chosing not to pick them. If she has to live back at home with her mum, then eventually she'll either have to get a job to fund the lifestyle she thinks she's 'good enough' for or accept she will have to get a council property.

And she sounds like a spoilt brat who's used to other people providing things for her, feel free to step back from this.

Is the other man still around at all?

expatinscotland · 22/09/2012 18:26

What Enorma said.

Why are you putting her up at all?

She's sounds like a selfish cow.

Original poster
asecretnamechange · 22/09/2012 18:30

She hasn't told the other man and says that she has no idea where he lives or what his full names is. I don't know if this is true.

OP posts:
getmeoutofthismadhouse · 22/09/2012 18:32

I agree one night will lead to 1 year and you ultimately agreeing to take on the baby whilst she treats your home like an hotel . She made her bed with her situation and now she needs to lie in it . Maybe only when she has no-one to do all the work for her will she take responsibility for the baby she has created ! You will allowing her to shunt this responsibility if she stays with you .
Keep that foot firmly down !

lovebunny · 22/09/2012 18:33

definitely 'no', even if it breaks the friendship.

years ago, a friend wanted to move into my house (with me and my daughter), with her husband and three sons because they'd sold their house and were going to australia in 'a few weeks' (no tickets booked). after i said no, she wouldn't even speak to me on the phone! but i couldn't have had her living with me. a two hour visit in the afternoon was more than enough!

expatinscotland · 22/09/2012 18:36

Bar your door to this person.

ihearsounds · 22/09/2012 18:40

Yadnbu. She needs to grow up and start taking responsibility for her own life, instead of being a selfish spoilt brat.
She has many options including staying with family who probably wont have her because they know how selfish she is, another rental that is within her housing benefit means or suck it up and put her name on housing list. All though I am laughing that council house will make her look common but claiming doesn't.

Nanny0gg · 22/09/2012 19:58

Friend?

Don't think so...

mamij · 22/09/2012 20:03

YANBU! Agree that once she's in for 'one' week, it will be difficult to get her out. And sounds like you'll be looking after her baby too once he/she arrives. She should understand your situation too and if not, she's not that good a friend then.

GateGipsy · 22/09/2012 20:38

YANBU

that it is away from her friends isn't enough of a good reason for her to not go to live with her mum or other relatives. You are not a relative, you're a friend, and she just can't expect to take up your living room for even a whole week when you've got six kids in the house. That she expects your children to give up a room for the week speaks a lot about how selfish she is (although having the affair, getting pregnant is also a big indication!).

I would suspect that she is feeling it more than she is saying though. Not being with her kids I mean. Unless she's got a heart of stone - in which case it would be surprising that she's got any friends at all - then yes, she is feeling it. And that seems more likely to be the reason why she's not wanting to move too far away rather than being away from her friends.

It also kind of sounds like she's maybe in shock. People do weird things when they are, and she is certainly acting weird (expecting to live with you for months, for example).

If you want to be a good friend, I would say sit down, say to her look you're acting unreasonably, what is going on? It is possible she's acting this way because she is in free fall, a complete panic, having totally wrecked her life and with another life on the way, and she just can't cope with it. What she needs now is someone to help her get a grip on life. Moving in with you wouldn't do that - it would just continue to allow her to avoid reality.

This is my long winded way of saying you need to be a supportive friend for her right now, and that means NOT moving her in with you but helping her get her life in order.