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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like I am becoming a bit of a sitting duck for childcare and want to say no!

78 replies

angelicstar · 22/09/2012 13:09

A bit of background. I am a SAHM and I have 2 children DS is 4 and DD is 2.

Over the past couple of months a few of the mums I know who work have asked me to help out with childcare in the school holidays. I felt a bit railroaded into it and tbh I don't really like looking after other people's kids. I find it hard enough managing my own and it can be a struggle to try and keep them amused, deal with behaviour etc. It also annoyed me that they didn't offer me any money etc or even a bottle of wine for helping out. We are not rich and I have made sacrifices to be a SAHM and it felt a bit "off" that they went out and earned money whilst I provided free childcare and earnt nothing!

Now another mum has asked twice already this term if I could pick her DD up from school and has now asked for a third time and I want to say no but its really hard. I wouldn't mind helping out if it was an emergency i.e. that she was ill or had to take another DC to the docs but its bascially because her and her husband don't want to take time off work.

It puts pressure on me as the walk home is along busy roads (so quite stressful to watch 3 ids) and if I have 3 kids to look after my DD will have to go in the buggy (and she likes to scoot).

I just feel like have become a sitting duck for free childcare but how can I say no? - I mean I have to pick up my DS from school anyway so if I say no I feel like I have to give a reason!!

OP posts:

Goldenbear · 22/09/2012 19:56

boredandrestless yes I knew that it wasn't allowed and did mention this to her in my response, she didn't ask me again.

BsshBossh · 22/09/2012 20:20

When I arrange playdates for DD I always ask the parents which is a suitable time for them too. It means I'm doing a favour to the parents and they reciprocate similarly. It's great.

schoolgovernor · 22/09/2012 21:11

Even the verbal ambush can be dealt with:
What are you doing Friday morning?
Oh, nothing.
Oh good, then you can babysit for me.
No, I don't think so, what I mean was - I'm doing nothing - I'm having a bit of time to myself.
Oh, but I've got XYZ really important thing to do.
I can't help you, I'm having some time to myself.
But I've got...
I appreciate you've got XYZ to do, however, as I said before, I'm having a bit of time to myself and I'm really looking forward to it.

plutocrap · 22/09/2012 21:29

Threads like these scare me, the more so because I've suddenly found myself in need of help to cover an after-school activity I'd like to do. I've thought of sending a round-robin email to the other class parents, asking whether anyone wants to/can do a swap, but don't want to get the tone wrong, or else all I'll be doing is (a) signalling to 29 other parents that I am available, OR (b) coming across as a grasper (because of being too afraid to be eager to please about what I can offer in return for "my" afternoon).

Should I keep it matter-of-fact (I'd like to do this and need something for my child to do; I am happy to take your child to do this or that, rain or shine), or should I "risk" sounding a bit more friendly (the sort of person who wouldn't be a bitch to your child)?!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 22/09/2012 23:38

pluto if you are asking for some cover in return for some cover, I think that sounds fine that it's a quid pro quo, I would assume it from the context.

Won't a round robin get complicated if you get more than one yes, though - any particular friends of you/DC you could sound out first?

oldraver · 23/09/2012 00:42

Goldenbear I had a frind who was a child minder and she asked me to pop to the shops with her she had asked me to push the buggy while she was looking at clothes, then announced she had to go and get her DC's from school.

Told me she would only be 10/20 minutes and went off leaving me with the mindee, I didnt even know the mindee's name, she would also thow away the mindees food in disgust so wasn't too keen when she said she would childmind for me

nailak · 23/09/2012 00:55

you lot have weird friends

if I am asked to pick up a friends kids, i will to help them out, why not?

If I ask someone else to pick up my kids they will too.

How does it get all complicated?

oooohhhhyes · 23/09/2012 01:31

It becomes complicated because there are users out there who take advantage. It's happened to me. I was SAHM and actually that didn't mean I had loads of spare time or money, it was because I couldn't find a job, we were deeply up the creek money wise but the good side of that coin was that I had a lot of precious time with my children during their fleeting young years. I wanted to enjoy that consequent broke but free time peacefully with my own dcs rather than being an unpaid childminder for other people's kids.

I hate the verbal ambush of "are you free on such and such" - "Yes I am!" - "then can you care for my kids", it's very unfair. Agree with poster who said have tactic ready for this. You say, "Oh, I thought you wanted to meet for quick coffee! I am free but can't commit to looking after your kids due to possible family stuff, so better not promise what I may not be able to deliver"

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 23/09/2012 01:33

BsshBossh playdates are another circle of hell.

I was involved in this when a friend of one of my DC was round my house every week at least.
I ended up picking up and sometimes dropping off the child.

My DC went to this childs house maybe 4 times, compared to once a week for over two years at mine.

I'd be very,very wary now, though I don't arrange a return date, I try to make sure it's more equal.

ProfYaffle · 23/09/2012 01:41

I had a friend who was similar, ie 'what are you doing Friday? Nothing? Good you can babysit!' My solution was to say 'I don't know I have to check' it bought me a bit of time and then I'd e-mail or text and say I couldn't do it.

Never give a reason, they'll always get round it, just say 'I can't', or 'I'm busy' and don't get drawn.

Goldenbear · 23/09/2012 07:25

nailak, you sound like you're doubting a lot of posters experiences of being used or that it is our ungenerous attitude that is the problem?

In my case I didn't have a long standing friendship with the childminder who asked me to mind her mindees and son! She asked me on day 3 of seeing her at school drop off. Surprisingly, I wasn't keen on subsidising her lifestyle! It isn't complicated, myself and DP decided I'd be SAHP as we thought it was best for our children we didn't consider how I could provide childminding services for other people (that I didn't even know) within that discussion! Sounds like the OP feels a bit like that.

As Reception year progressed at my DS's school I got to know some mums and on occasion I would pick up their DC as they were running late from work or ill. Same friends would pick up my DS and take him to football with her DS sometimes. That is an acceptable arrangement to me as it was ad hoc and never expected.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 23/09/2012 07:50

I've been there. I've been asked to look after someone's DD whilst she was off school sick. Never mind the fact I was working (from home) and struggling to do this and look after my two year old.

She used the catch you on the hop thing so I got into the habit of saying I'd have to check my diary and get back to her, which I did by text or I'd be finding myself waiting for DD outside her piano teacher's house entertaining her DD. the worse one was when they packed their DD off to school saying I'd pick her up then made no attempt to contact me until after 1.30, I wasn't there and came back to loads of messages on my answer phone .

After I started saying No, she stopped contacting me and moved onto my lovely friend who she knows can't say no. I trained her in dealing with the woman and it was so depressing how I knew exactly what step she'd do to get her way. Friend has done stacks for her, her DD practically became part of the family. Girls have started new school, lovely friend doing the school run (no offer of money , saving her about £50 a month on bus fare). Users DD has now gone off making new friends, fine, they need to do this. But she isn't half rubbing lovely friend's DD's nose in it, as she has done to my DD in the past . She sees her Mum dump whichever person stops doing favours and move on and so the cycle repeats in her DD. Depressing.

Chelvis · 23/09/2012 07:52

I never ever admit I'm free when I'm asked what I'm up to on a certain day. I always reply 'Oh, I'm running some errands, but I'm in the area - why?'. Then if they say coffee/park, I'll say it was nothing urgent and of course I can see them; if it's childcare or a lift from someone who never reciprocates, the excuse is already there. Some people are so cheeky!

purplehouse · 23/09/2012 08:28

Good idea Chelvis - I will be copying that!

purplehouse · 23/09/2012 08:34

nailak - these people we are referring to are fake friends. Most of us do have good (real) friends - I helped a friend out only last week with a pickup due to an unexpected problem she had. The fake friends are people who pretend to like you but really they want to use you.

StealthPolarBear · 23/09/2012 09:11

Dreadful that you have to think like that though! I am fairly sure I don t know anyone this cheeky - hoping that doesn't men it's me!

plutocrap · 23/09/2012 11:15

Thanks, TheDoctrineofSnatch, I hadn't even thought about duplicate replies! We're relatively new, though, so I don't have many starting points.

nailak · 23/09/2012 17:48

golden I'm not doubting anything, just saying, you lot have weird friends!!

MammaTJisWearingGold · 23/09/2012 18:14

Do you live near me? I could do with someone to take the piss out of help with my DC quite often!

I work nights and struggled through the summer hols with little sleep. My DS was invited to his friends house for the day on one occasion, so I asked my friend to have DD for me. I do look after her DC for her quite a bit. Another friend asked me to do her a massive favour, so I asked her to have my DC for me for one day in return. I would not ask anyone I would not help out too.

I would certainly not be taken for a mug on a regular basis either.

DameEnidsOrange · 23/09/2012 19:14

plutocrap, I think your best place to start would be with the parent's of your DCs friends.

Nothing worse than having another child to look after that doesn't get on with yours, you just end up having to stop fights and quarrels

plutocrap · 24/09/2012 23:18

Thanks, DameEnid, though am running out of time...

pigletmania · 25/09/2012 06:51

How cheeky and rude of them. Just say no sorry I can't look after other poles children, I am not a child minder. Or yes sure it's 6 ph and see te look on ther faces. They see you as a soft touch so take advantage

pigletmania · 25/09/2012 06:55

Omg worra , the mentality of some people

Whatdoiknowanyway · 25/09/2012 08:13

Years back I belonged to a babysitting coop with other families at the school. We all started with 20 cards and one card equalled an hour's childcare. If my children were playing with their friends then they were playing but if I was taking a child as their parent needed help then I was paid with cards which I could then use myself with anyone in the group at a later date.
Many of the SAHP used the cards so they could go out in the evening. For me, working full time, they were a godsend if I was delayed by traffic or had a work emergency. The children got to play with their friends and I didn't feel I was taking advantage of mine.

pigletmania · 25/09/2012 08:38

Whatdo that was a mutual agreement between you all, you were not expecting people to look after your dc and not reciprocate.

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