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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like I am becoming a bit of a sitting duck for childcare and want to say no!

78 replies

angelicstar · 22/09/2012 13:09

A bit of background. I am a SAHM and I have 2 children DS is 4 and DD is 2.

Over the past couple of months a few of the mums I know who work have asked me to help out with childcare in the school holidays. I felt a bit railroaded into it and tbh I don't really like looking after other people's kids. I find it hard enough managing my own and it can be a struggle to try and keep them amused, deal with behaviour etc. It also annoyed me that they didn't offer me any money etc or even a bottle of wine for helping out. We are not rich and I have made sacrifices to be a SAHM and it felt a bit "off" that they went out and earned money whilst I provided free childcare and earnt nothing!

Now another mum has asked twice already this term if I could pick her DD up from school and has now asked for a third time and I want to say no but its really hard. I wouldn't mind helping out if it was an emergency i.e. that she was ill or had to take another DC to the docs but its bascially because her and her husband don't want to take time off work.

It puts pressure on me as the walk home is along busy roads (so quite stressful to watch 3 ids) and if I have 3 kids to look after my DD will have to go in the buggy (and she likes to scoot).

I just feel like have become a sitting duck for free childcare but how can I say no? - I mean I have to pick up my DS from school anyway so if I say no I feel like I have to give a reason!!

OP posts:

DameEnidsOrange · 22/09/2012 14:28

Worra, your neighbour is one cheeky woman

allthefun · 22/09/2012 14:36

Well you have to say "no" but I would add a sorry or maybe add that some sort of reason ."Got too much on" is a good catch all reason and sounds better than I can't cope with your children.

If you just say "no" they will think either they or their children have offended you in someway and you could come across as a bit off. You have set a precedent in the holiday by having their children over - it wasn't their fault you said yes if you didn't want to have them. However I think it is dead cheeky not giving you something TBH especially if they are not returning any favours.

sudaname · 22/09/2012 14:37

Or as my ole mum used to say 'If they're cheeky enough to ask , you can be cheeky enough to say No '.

It's become my little mantra whenever anyone tries to take a lend of me.
Try it - it's so liberating.

gettingeasier · 22/09/2012 14:39

"That doesnt work for me I'm afraid" is a handy, vague and true line !

edam · 22/09/2012 14:41

Feel free to say 'no' and if you don't like to just say no, add 'I'm afraid it's not convenient'.

I work outside the home and have had to rely on favours sometimes. I am enormously grateful and would never expect or demand a favour, nor ask for one where it's just a matter of convenience rather than a real problem/emergency. I have tried to do some favours myself when I was working more flexibly but I'm probably still in debt overall.

Worst (for her) one was my mate who rang in a panic 15 minutes from school pickup because she'd managed to lock her baby in the car in a supermarket car park 15 minutes' drive away... I was more than happy to pick up her son, and she arrived within half an hour (having had the AA break her window to get into the car).

WorraLiberty · 22/09/2012 14:42

I know and when I told her to leave work immediately to come and get him, she had the cheek to ask if I could hang on to him til 5pm

porcamiseria · 22/09/2012 14:43

I woukld not dream of asking for free childcare

just say "No, sorry it does not work for me that week" no rationale, just no with a smile

or retrain as a CM and charge them!

loopyluna · 22/09/2012 14:51

I feel your Pain!
I had a neighbour, who was actually a SAHM herself but had younger DC and a husband who worked away so must have thought that thay trumped me as a part time working mum of 3, who did this to me for about 4 years before I just started saying no. She barely finds the time to say "hello" at the school gates now!
Another friend is great and we have each helped each other out equally in the past, but over the last year she has also started taking the piss. The second week of term, she started dropping her 6 year olds off at my house before school. Every morning, without stopping to check I was in! I texted her on Friday to say she should check with me first as, (true), if my eldest miss the school bus, I would have to dash out in the car to take them to school and wouldn't be in to welcome her DC... And I live on a pretty main road too.
It's easy to tell people to say no but it's hard to actually do sometimes, isn't it?

Guadalupe · 22/09/2012 14:51

Worra! That is a joke.

OP - You must stick to your guns about this. No-one minds an emergency but three times in two weeks?

'No, sorry, we won't be able to, hope you get something sorted.'

'No, sorry, we are busy that day.'

'No, sorry, we're busy after school at the moment.'

'No, sorry.'

'No.'

Take your pick.

Guadalupe · 22/09/2012 14:52

This gets worse. Loopyluna, she dropped her off at YOURS every day without asking?

ENormaSnob · 22/09/2012 15:02

Yanbu

Tell the cheeky fucker to pay for childcare.

helenthemadex · 22/09/2012 15:28

its so hard to actually say no, I find it really difficult especially if I'm put on the spot so you have my sympathy OP, have to learn to say no I have to say I do sometimes frequently email or text to say no

thefirstmrsrochester · 22/09/2012 16:00

Helping in an emergency situation is one thing however regular favours quickly morph into it being the accepted norm that little johnny comes to you on x,y & z days. You must resist.
I work part time & was ferociously taken advantage of by my cheeky and entitled neighbour (she also had me down as emergency contact for her dc's with not my permission or knowledge) for years. It soured our relationship (esp when I found out from her dm that she had been banking on me taking her dc for two weeks at Easter and was miffed that I would be going away).
Say no! Unless its a reciprocal arrangement.

Goldenbear · 22/09/2012 16:14

YANBU, nip it in the bud or they'll continue to take the pee!

I've been a SAHM for 5 years and when my DS started Reception last year I was asked by a mum who was a childminder to pick up her child 2 days a week and take him to school as her DP couldn't drop him those days and she didn't want to forgo the money for one mindee who was always dropped at her house about 9. I had only known her 3 days and it would have been really quite tricky for me to do as at the time Dd was 5 months old, DS had just started Reception and we live 2.5 miles from the school so organising ourselves in the morning was pretty stressful as I also had to drop DP at work. Terrible traffic in our city. Also, her son did not want to go to school, he was kicking and screaming not to go in. I didn't want to have to deal with that situation and my baby and my nervous DS. She only lived a 2 minute walk away so it was a big ask on her behalf.

She also asked if I would watch her mindees whilst she went to the Doctors, again she didn't want to forgo the money. Her DP is an Accountant and they are not broke as she is always bragging about her lifestyle of holidays, weekend Restaurant meals etc. Needless to say I avoided her after the 1st term as she is a very rude person and always asking for favours. For instance, my poor friend lived near to her and she would frequently ask her child home from the park after school as she didn't want to cut short his play at the park but she would have to leave to get the babies she was minding home and out of the cold. My friend didn't always mind but it got to be a regular thing. She wanted be a popular mum (said this to me) and thought being Class Rep would enable this. In this role she decided to sort out an evening out for the Mums. This was fine but despite not wanting to do any such role myself she tried to get me to sort out the numbers, texting people to find out whether they were coming as she didn't have time apparently and I obviously did. I didn't even go to the event so I didn't want to be her PA!

myBOYSareBONKERS · 22/09/2012 16:18

If "caught on the hop" reply "i'm not sure.... let me check my diary/calender/googlemail and get back to you". If gives you a bit of breathing space to decide if you really want to be dumped on help

Theas18 · 22/09/2012 16:20

Absolutely agree that you shouldn't be anyones regular childminder, if that us what they need then they should pay a professional.

However, don't shoot yourself in the foot about favours-there are decent parents out there who will reciprocate, and when you have none to ask a favour of in future you may be stuck yourself (I'm thinking having to collect your reception child at 3.20 and your older child is year 2 or 3 and staying for an extra club-it'll be you doing 3.20 and 4.15 collections if you don't have a friend to help you out)

TheFallenMadonna · 22/09/2012 16:23

I looked after my friend's child a couple of hours a day when I was a SAHM because she is my friend and she really needed the help. Now I work FT, a different friend picks up my DD from school which enables her to do an activity she wouldn't otherwise be able to do. I can't reciprocate to anything like the same degree, and she is enormously kind to do it.
But if she didn't want to do it, I'd much rather she said than she stewed about it!

Dame Enid - that wasn't really a passive aggressive response was it?

thebody · 22/09/2012 16:27

Cheeky cow, she's using you, tell her no and grow a pair op, don't be pushed around like this.

deepbreath · 22/09/2012 16:46

YANBU. As others have said, nip it in the bud early. People do take advantage of those of us that don't or can't work (I'm not working due to health issues but people still take the p!)

Those of you with younger dc's - it will only get worse as now my ds is 10 his friends just turn up uninvited, often at strange times of the day too. Their parents get fed up and ship them out and they turn up here!

Proudnscary · 22/09/2012 16:56

What an absolute bloody cheek!

I work FT and my husband picks the children up from school as he's at home. But when we both worked FT outside of the home, we had adequate childcare in place and wouldn't dream of asking for favours like this.

It's like saying their life/needs/time is more important than yours.

The only people I'd ask for favours would be close friends and family and then in emergencies.

boredandrestless · 22/09/2012 17:06

Goldenbear - a child minder asked you if you would watch her mindees while she went to the doctors? I used to cm - this is against regulations, bet she wouldn't have been telling the mindee's parents she'd left the mindees with someone like this! Appalling.

OP if you don't like being caught out by face to face questions then practice saying "I'll have to check my calendar when I get home and let you know" or "Sorry but I have too much on at the moment so I can't help".

There are some very cheeky people about aren't there!

I don't mind helping people out in emergencies and have done in the past, but have never been in a long running situation of having someone take the piss because I am happy to say NO.

BlueSkySinking · 22/09/2012 17:31

''I'll think about it and get back to you by text later'' is the correct answer.

Then email/text factually. ''Lovely to chat to you today. I've had a think about it and I'm really not up to looking after xx.

butterfingerz · 22/09/2012 17:44

I'm an OU student, could you pretend to be one? Then you'll have a plethora of excuses,

"Sorry, got an urgent deadline",
"Sorry, lots of reading to catch up on",
"Got an assignment,"
Etc etc

purplehouse · 22/09/2012 17:52

There are a lot of people around like this who think they can take advantage. I am a SAHM and I say no to everything, having had lots of people take advantage in the past. You need to say no to all favours unless they are for a genuine close friend or someone you get along with who finds themself in an unexpected situation.

You should really just say that it isn't convenient and that you can't. If you say this, someone challenging you would be a real cheek. If you feel that is going to happen, have a bank of excuses ready. Your relatives are coming by, your kids need a docs appt, you need to go out, anything really, think of a lot of stuff up and just start saying no. I had to basically almost cut contact with a total piss taker over continual babysistting requests made for very selfish purposes.

lovebunny · 22/09/2012 18:27

i want you to practise!

'no.' 'no.' 'no'.

you could, if you wished, follow it up with 'i want to give my full attention to x and y' [insert your children's names]

they have a complete cheek and should not be using you. stop doormatting.

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