To think he should be home by now.

[Dramajustfollowsme]

My dh has been working ridiculously long hours (leaving before 7am not getting home to near midnight). This is clearly tiring and he has been saying how shattered he is.
Today his work were having a boozy lunch and going out afterwards but he said he wouldn't be too late. It is now nearly 3am and I am seething.
He will be complaining about tiredness again and won't help with dd tomorrow, spending most of the day in bed instead.
Would I BU if this happens to not try to keep dd quiet and let her see her daddy before she forgets who he is.
I appreciate that he works hard and needs to let off steam but WE would like to see him occasionally too.

its a two way st, giving curfews out is a good indicator of a lack of respect.

It seems to be you are falling into the obvious trap of man wrong woman right with no knowledge to back this up. And personalising to your own experience, again with no real basis in fact.

OP asked for opinions

that is all MN is

MN isn't an evidence-based, peer-reviewed hallowed hall of academia

you give your opinion, it has as much validity as the next person's

Not necessarily. An opinion based on facts not in evidence isn't really as valid as one based only on information given. If you add in a load of your own issues and then judge, its all a bit pointless, since at a certain point it ceases to be relevant to the OP at all.

so, in order to be a "cool and respectful" partner, it is necessary to never draw a line about what behaviour is acceptable to you

ok

MrS, perhaps that particular judgement you are making is one that the OP could make for herself ?

You are making a decision, on OP's behalf, that some posts on her thread are not relevant to her

That's some arrogance you have there

You draw a boundary by saying: "If [x] happens, I will do [y].... ie. "If you stay out past 1am again, I will consider our marriage over." - a sort of technical distinction, but an important one. We can only control our behaviour not other people's. There's no way to force this man to come home by 1am, but lots of ways to respond to him coming home after 1am, if he chooses to stay out later than that.

Firstly, I wouldn't leave my husband if he did this again. We would probably have a row but it isn't a deal breaker.
People seem to be taking my "curfew" all wrong. If he says it's going to be a late one or sends me a text that is different. The fact that we've barely seen him for weeks as he has been working all hours also was a factor in me being pissed off.
We had a grown up discussion, not just about the boozing. It is a minor issue that individually wouldn't bother me. I would like him to spend less time working though in an ideal world.
I worry that he will burn out working so much. I also could foresee that after staying out he would lie in bed and so dd would effectively not have daddy around again. That annoyed me.
I said that when we have seen so little of him and he says that it won't be a late one then I consider that to be no later than one.
I know there will be other occasions when either one of us may be out later but it doesn't take much to text.
We have had a lovely couple of days all three of us together. The way we all like it. He even managed to cope with what seemed to be a mammoth hangover pretty well as he was getting no sympathy from me.

I am probably in the minority to think that everyone is due a night out every so often and I don't have an issue with picking up the slack with the kids the next day.

It's one night, if it was every night I'd have an issue with it. You are hopefully going to be together for the next 40 years at least and the kids have a long time of still being kids so their father or the kids aren't going to be deprived of anything.

If I was to go out get drunk, happens about once or twice a year, and come home pissed DH would take the kids out in the morning and come back and bring me tea and paracetamol. He would sit and laugh at whatever exports myself and my other friends got up to because I am the tamest of my friends. I would do this for him too. Our only stipulation is we at least text during the evening to let the other know we are ok.

I find it odd that OP doesn't just see this as an evening out after a bloody hard week!

And seriously grown up people giving each other curfews. Am shocked that this happens.

But he wasn't working last night though - he was at a casino - sorry wouldn't cut it with me.

No but he had had a hard week and was letting off some steam having some down time. FFS I can't believe that in a grown up relationship one partner would begrudge the other a night out once in a while.

It's bloody brilliant when DH goes out. Either early bath and bed with a book or nice chic flick or staying up with the kids with popcorn and a bottle of Schloer.

Bit equally I love spending time with him. Would want to stab him if he acted like the dad further up, never wanting to go out, letting me stay in bed so he can do the housework!!!

Couple of times he has had to get up as we have had things planned and we have spent the day sniggering at him feeling like shit but he puts his big boy pants on mans up and gets through it.

I can't understand why, when you are going to be with that person for a whole chunk of time that a night out drinking or having to have to work extra hard being the only parent at home doing the routines for a week a month even is a big deal?

Mind you DH is in Italy pissed with a friend after indulging in a 15 course meal. He'll be home tomorrow, kids aren't damaged by having to spend the whole weekend with me. We have had a nice weekend and daddy will be here when they get home from school tomorrow.

a 15 course meal????? i don't know whether to be horrified or Well i suspect i would be a bit green after 15 courses!

Its not that he is blowing out after a tough week though is it, he is hardly home, "working" stupid hours, not getting in until midnight?? For one thing, doesn't that break some sort of rule about working hours? The OP said she has hardly seen him. Then when he gets a break from his grueling schedule of god knows what - i can only imagine that his job is "very important" that it requires such input, he chooses to spend it with work mates rather then the wife and child he hasn't seen in ages. Had he been coming home and reasonable times and spending time with his family prior to this, i would be in agreement but this isn't the case.

But it's not a normal thing for him, doesn't sound like he us an arsehole who does it all of the time. And yes his job must be important, pays at least a proportion of the mortgage I expect.

Really relationships are about compromise, picking up each others slack and working together. Not getting pissy at each other because one went to get drunk after a hard week and the other had to god forbid look after the child.

CallingManatee has got it spot on. It is a build up of just not seeing him that was the problem. I love having control of the remote and getting all the bar of chocolate when he is out. We both go out with friends together and separately. I've driven 40 miles to pick him up from a bush he had fallen asleep in and just laughed at his drunken antics. We've been together 17 years and don't generally worry about the time to come in BUT he said he wasn't going to be late. And after working so much I was both worried about him and pissed off that he would be effectively out of the game for another day too.
I also love having dd all to myself sometimes. However over the last few weeks/months he just hasn't been here.
If we hadn't had a chat then things would have carried on the same and I would have become more annoyed and unhappy.
I don't mind picking up the slack and totally agree that we are a team. However it has been going on too long.
He isn't an arse just daft when drunk but I love him all the same.