To think he should be home by now.

[Dramajustfollowsme]

My dh has been working ridiculously long hours (leaving before 7am not getting home to near midnight). This is clearly tiring and he has been saying how shattered he is.
Today his work were having a boozy lunch and going out afterwards but he said he wouldn't be too late. It is now nearly 3am and I am seething.
He will be complaining about tiredness again and won't help with dd tomorrow, spending most of the day in bed instead.
Would I BU if this happens to not try to keep dd quiet and let her see her daddy before she forgets who he is.
I appreciate that he works hard and needs to let off steam but WE would like to see him occasionally too.

Who would say she is a dreadful wife ??

This man is acting like a dreadful husband and father

The only mistake Op is making is to keep making excuses for it, to the detriment of herself and her daughter

OP...do you buy into the idea that his needs are more important because he is the breadwinner ?

No husband of mine would be behaving like this. He could try, but he'd find himself single again, if he wants it so much.

Also Op, you won't want to hear this. But I don't believe him.

I don't believe he is "working" all these hours and I wouldn't believe any pathetic flannel about how it is somehow "necessary" to go out on boozy lunches that end up in a casino (how much did he lose, btw ?) until 4:30 am

I believe he is taking the piss, and you are letting him.

YY AF

I thought that too, but didn't want to heap more misery on OP. At best he's using his 'work' to excuse doing what he wants ie going out on the lash rather than seeing his children. At worst...well...what is he doing on all these nights out and late nights.

I could go to so many functions, 'do's, dinners, lunches, awards...guess what? I don't because I have a family. Some things I have to do, but actually really not that many. I certainly don't have to stay out til the wee hours and get arseholed ever! I do my wine guzzling at home when the dc are in bed

He only earns slightly more than me and this is because I've gone back part time after mat leave.
I've told him that I don't want him out past 1am ever again. He only does this once in a blue moon but it pisses me off. I wouldn't do it to him.
I trust that he is working. Some people may think I'm being an idiot but I do trust him. I think he needs to grow a backbone and stand up to the bosses about working reasonable hours, stop fobbing him off about the promotion and not make him feel bad if he doesnt participate in the "team building" crap.

He seems to think that they treat him ok as he gets a reasonable bonus every 6 months. However, this isn't guaranteed and as they get closer to bonus time the hours expected are ridiculous. Lots of people have left because of this but my dh doesn't like change so is happier to stay where he is. I couldn't work for this company - it would drive me mental.
He came home with money but we are going to a cash machine as he was so plastered he can't remember how much he spent The money he came home with has been put in the Christmas pot.

which people think you are being an idiot ? People who know you? People who know him ? Why would they say that ?

Would any of these blokes on here who are annoyed with OP's dh like to marry me????? !
BTW OP hope you get this sorted - he's been a complete arse, I've always believed if partner would be upset by me behaving like that then they have no right to either. He massively overstepped any boundary I would of had.

Can I just ask how roughly how much he's getting paid to be out of the house from 7 am until midnight?

I remember a friend from work whose husband 'worked' similar hours. She said as nobody was in reception in the evenings, she couldn't call him at the office as nobody could put the call through. The fact she didn't go through reception in daylight hours didn't seem to ring alarm bells. He said he had to work longer hours because he was dyslexic and needed more time to read his work.

Does your husband say things like this?

he must be minted working those hours...

DH often works similar hours and is also abroad a lot. Sometimes he has nights out like you describe, more so when the children were at the baby/toddler stage - perhaps he's just too old now . I honestly think that it's ok so long as it's once in a blue moon, he is more then happy for you to do the same, he a the least sends a text so you don't worry and it doesn't affect how he is the following day beyond about 10am. Life is too short to get het up about nights out and we all need to have our own lives away from partners/children. I wouldn't be too impressed if anyone told me that I wasn't allowed out beyond 1am.

"Who would say she is a dreadful wife ??"

Nobody in their right mind. I had visions of the usual types piling on to say the usual things - 'he deserves a night out', 'he needs to let off steam', 'he works hard', yada, yada, yawn... The number of these types of threads that get inundated with such comments is depressingly high.

Like Proud I am currently and temporarily the sole breadwinner. DH is at home with the kids. I work full time, stressful job, big wage.

Likewise, I do not for a second think my needs are more important than DH's - and by spending my days away from the children I do not want to prolong that into boozy evenings away from them still, leaving my DH to do everything related to rearing them. His day is relentless hard slog, often completely exhausting. In many ways much more tiring than me, sitting on my arse for much of the day.

Plus - I want to see my children. Oh, and I'm a 38-year old parent. Yeah, blow-outs are fine, social life is good - but feck me, I don't want to do it with work colleagues, of all people - and at the expense of seeing my children. I'd prefer to involve my DH and my actual friends. And after putting the kids to bed.

OP, your DH can justify this sort of thing all he likes, but he is making active choices to spend all this time away from his home and family, be under no illusions.

Well it wouldn't bother me at all. But equally I have done and do similar and dh is fine with that too. We both work hard and we both deserve time off.

Whats the problem with making a choice to have a night off from home and family? Is that not allowed? OP should make a claim for some for herself.

No-one knows the rest of your life or how this figures in it, so no-one can say yabu or yanbu. Not that that will stop everyone making massive assumptions and calling him a selfish cunt.

YABU for this though: I've told him that I don't want him out past 1am ever again
Who does this in an adult relationship? Giving a spouse a curfew? That is messed up.

I think this particular bloke earned his curfew

Think of it like this

Respect has to be earned, yeah ?

And respect can be un-earned by this kind of behaviour

So OP tells him her boundaries (and good on her for doing so)

If he chooses to trash them, she gets the message loud and clear... that he gives not a shit about her feelings

Sounds like you are talking about a dog or a child, rather than an equal partner in a relationship.
I'm no crappy-man apologist but all of that says, to me, piss poor relationship. Woman telling man what time he must be home? I wouldn't accept that, and I would never do that. Respect isn't earned by one partner making rules and the other one following them, its much deeper than that. If they have problems in their relationship one of them ordering the other one around is not going to help anything.

And if a woman posted here saying her husband gives her a curfew and won't allow her to go out with colleagues, every poster would be calling him a controlling abusive bastard, and to leave him.

But if a woman posted that she left her husband with the kids and went out on the piss, with no prior notice or consultation and that she is always working late and going out for drinks, which impacts on her dh's life, she would get the same response as the OP's dh is getting - that she is being selfish and inconsiderate.

She should, and rightly. But OP says that he is NOT always going out late for drinks, in fact she says it is rare, so your comparison is unfair. and even if it was analogous, I very much doubt that she would be told her husband had the right to order her to come home at a certain time. It shouldn't be a man/woman thing though, since the fact for both is that its not normal to do such a thing.

also OP's husband had told OP that he was going out drinking, so there was prior notice and consultation.
This is my point about slant, you have taken an idea and judged without checking facts first.

There wasn't prior notice about rolling in at 4.30. He said he wouldn't be home late and at 3 am he hadn't even called home or sent a text to let his wife know what was happening.

She says that the working very long hours has been going on for a while. Whether out socialising or not, he still isn't home very much and that is impacting on the OP's life. If my dh was leaving at 7 am and coming home at midnight, regularly through work, I would expect him not to go out on the piss when he could be home with his family.

If someone can't be trusted to do the right thing then I can see why their spouse might want to lay down what is and isn't acceptable, to them.

The right thing as you have defined it. Unfortunately you can't define it for everyone else.
For many of us, having an apparently very rare night out after working incredibly hard for a while is perfectly acceptable and not at all frowned upon. And one partner unilaterally deciding what is ok is not right at all.
OP should be discussing this with her partner rather than the judgers of aibu.

If you are relying on someone else to do your share of the work (looking after dc, for example) then I think you do have to clear it with your partner rather than just stay out late and assume your partner is okay with that.

Has the partner not unilaterally decided what is okay for his partner without agreeing it first?

Everyone comes to MN with their own definition of what is right, you included . The OP wanted to canvass opinion, which is kind of the point of MN.

I've told him that I don't want him out past 1am ever again

What??!!! Seriously?????!!!!! Wow, .... just wow.....

Mr Sunshine makes a good point there. You cannot tell a grown man or woman what time they have to be home at. You can, however, have a reasonable conversation about what it fair/unfair or acceptable to you in this situation. If the other person disregards that, then you do have a respect problem.

I have a definition of what is right in my relationship, I have no real opinion on what is right in OP's. My point is that they need to work that out for themselves, 50/50, not one tells the other one what to do. Thats controlling at best.

MrS, what happens when one partner has tried that, and the other simply takes no notice ?

I'm not sure. I do know one partner ordering the other is not the answer though. Couldn't be a worse idea, how can you see that helping?

Personally, I wouldn't "order" someone and don't look at it in those terms.

OP is drawing her boundaries.

I have done this early on in my marriage. H taking the piss, not taking me seriously, preferring to engender the "good" opinion of fuckwits who weren't friends of his marriage over his wife's

What is essential though, is that you have to mean what you say, so you have to be careful to be clear

If putting a time limit gets the point across, why not ? This man clearly doesn't think 4:30am is unreasonable and doesn't seem bothered he is ruining the whole family's weekend so he can make a big dick man of himself at the casino

It wouldn't be enough to say "I don't want you to be back late" as evidenced already by the OP's description of her H's behaviour (ie. he has and will continue to put his own disrepectful spin on it)

It may be infantilising to give a curfew, but I expect Op would like to try and save her marriage before leaving him. What Op's H needs to know is that many marriages do break down, not over catastrophic events, but due to persistent and wearying lack of respect from one partner to the other