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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think violence can be justified?

41 replies

Flojo1979 · 21/09/2012 23:28

XP did a real number on me (i let him). In the end I had no confidence, no self esteem and became a wreck who was unable to articulate anything and respond appropriately.
I told XP it was over, to which he went off on one saying I'm worthless and no one would want me etc etc ending in him calling me a whore and a slag etc. The red mist descended and out of no one, after months and months of hell. I slapped him, real stinger right across his face.
That was nearly a year ago.
And I've just found out from mutual friends that he's being going round telling people he was the victim of domestic violence and that's why we split.
I feel so ashamed. I cant tell those friends I never laid a finger on him so now everyone thinks I am that type of person.
I know I can't justify it...I guess my title is wrong, it can't be justified.
I guess I just want someone to say, it was a stupid thing to do but they'd do the same or something.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 21/09/2012 23:30

It was stupid, but I'd have done the same thing in your situation.

However, his name-calling etc also constitutes domestic abuse, and your response was understandable, imvho.

WorraLiberty · 21/09/2012 23:30

It can't be justified but I think sometimes it can be understandable how/why someone snaps enough to slap someone.

Even courts have a rule about mitigating circumstances.

I'd be surprised if anyone listens to just one side of a story without realising there's another one they haven't heard.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 21/09/2012 23:32

And actually, I think sometimes violence is justified; if someone were to attack (physically) my dc I'd be right in there.

And they're bigger and fitter than me these days.

AgentZigzag · 21/09/2012 23:33

I think it can be justified in some circumstances.

Being provoked to a point where you're 'not yourself' is a valid reason IMO.

But this isn't about you slapping him (and I've done worse - to my shame) it's about what other people think about you when he's said told them.

You slapped him as a one off, the problem is when the violence becomes a routinised and accepted behaviour.

Anyone who is a real friend to you will know what kind of person you are and know how far he pushed you, and not judge.

Anyone else what do they matter?

BertieBotts · 21/09/2012 23:35

This is why I think we shouldn't separate domestic violence out from emotional abuse - violence is usually a symptom of the abuse rather than being a separate issue. It's a loss of control, so it's easy to see how it can happen on both sides even though the reasons leading to the loss of control are wildly different.

RubyFakeNails · 21/09/2012 23:51

In regards to your specific circumstances. Fuck it, you had the last laugh because you're not stuck with him any more. He is obviously so ashamed of himself and his pas behaviour or so sad and pathetic that he can't admit he was dumped to make up this bullshit so ignore ignore ignore.

I personally think violence can be justified at times. Possibly if we lived in a world where everybody was raised not to be violent you could say it isn't but while there are still people out there where their main currency is violence it will occasionally be justifiable. Also I do think that ok so someone can say awful, horrific things to you with the sole purpose of hurting you and because you maybe don't have that kind of mind or aren't quick witted you have to be the victim, no bollocks to that, maybe I can't think of something equally offensive and distressing to say but if I can physically hurt you I will. I suppose I just can't get my head around why it is considered fine to say really horrible things but not do horrible things if that makes sense. I am however, admittedly quite uncouth, and I do struggle with the reconciling my desire to slap people with what i know to be 'acceptable'.

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 21/09/2012 23:57

Thankyou so much, I was scared I was going to get such a roasting.
I think my friends understand a little, but tbh I've never really admitted just how low he made me feel. I think they just never expected me to slap anyone, ever and tbh neither did I.
I am angry with myself for putting myself in that situation. I can only be treated like a doormat if I let someone.
But I just dont know how to get the old me back.
So any tips on self esteem building pls do tell!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/09/2012 00:03

Why would you want the old you back?

The old you put up with all kinds of shit and even let your ex 'do a number' on you.

You'll learn from this and become stronger.

I'd put the old you to the back of your mind and welcome the new, strong you who won't be taking that kind of shit from anyone again.

weegiemum · 22/09/2012 00:05

I personally think violence isn't justifiable.

In a perfect world.

We don't live in a perfect world, we are none of us perfect, and whatever the ideal is, what happened with you and xp is totally understandable. I am as pacifist as they come (to the extent I've looked academically at non-violent resistance and taken part in specific non-violent protest), but I can't put my hand on my heart and say I wouldn't have done just the same as you!

Because verbal assault is also a form of violence (legitimised too much in our society) and while the ideal way is "overcome evil with good", we are only human.

I'm glad to hear that you are out of this damaging situation. Don't beat yoyrself up over this - that's also violence!

Take care of yourself xxx

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 22/09/2012 00:06

Thanks worra I could do with a pep talk from u every morning!

OP posts:
Original poster
Flojo1979 · 22/09/2012 00:08

Thanks weegie

OP posts:
MaryMotherOfCheeses · 22/09/2012 00:11

Violence is never justified but I do understand retaliation.

I do hope you're in a better place now. Your ex sounds a right arse.

WorraLiberty · 22/09/2012 00:12

Haha! You'd be lucky to get more than a grunt from me every morning until I've had at least a litre of coffee Grin

But seriously, you'll take the good parts of the 'old you' forward and leave the weaker parts behind.

As much as no-one wants to be treated like shit, it actually can be character building so that's something you can at least take from a horrible time in your life.

RubyFakeNails · 22/09/2012 00:14

I don't understand why are you feeling low and shit.

First of all you stuck up for yourself, no shame in that, you only slapped him, if we were in certain cultures you probably would have lopped his cock off.

Secondly you are now free of a colossal prick. Wonderful news so enjoy.

Old you sounds mediocre for putting up with that crap, if new you is the one who took control then new you is better.

You sort of quoted Eleanor Roosevelt, so maybe you should look to her for inspiration.

NicNocJnr · 22/09/2012 00:16

So you were backed into a corner and being aggresively threatened in the culmination of x months of abuse.

Abusers try to deconstruct you, removing your mental tool kit to navigate situations and keep yourself free from harm. For control of you, to break you. If someone deals in anger and agression, is impervious to your words and then tries to hotwire your reactions to get you to submit when you have found your inner strength to break it off, and feel rightfully angry at their actions, then it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see what options they have left you to get out of the situation - if it's fight or flight and you can't run then what?

I'm always hesitant to say justified because I know how easily I could fall into that thinking- but it is understandable and quite frankly exactly what I would have done in your place. You wouldn't be prosecuted by the law.

The more important thing though is to know that this is more control, trying to manipulate you by proxy as he has no access to you personally. You do not need to feel ashamed, you do not need to justify yourself but you do have the option of telling the truth of it and throwing light on his appaling behaviour and abuse - it was not your fault. He's putting the onus on you to defend yourself again, from rumours and bullying - you don't have to. If there are people whose opinions really matter to you then tell them the facts. Otherwise they can all go hang because who needs friends like that?

Have you looked at the women's aid website? they may have some useful info and links to help you work on your confidence and help you know your boundaries and esteem are on the right track to full strength x

MrDobalina · 22/09/2012 00:18

ive done that in a similar situation. I dont think it is justified but very very understandable and instantly forgiveable.

forgive yourself Smile

Birdsgottafly · 22/09/2012 00:21

The problem with that is that many men, (Dennis Waterman has said it this year), that women who are cleverer with their mouths, cause men to hit them.

I think that hitting someone is wrong, regardless of the gender, if you have the ability to walk away.

That isn't a comment on your situation, i agree with others and i understand the effects of EA.

RubyFakeNails · 22/09/2012 00:27

But Dennis Waterman is thick as really thick shit so any woman will be of a higher intelligence to him to his argument is that all women cause men to hit them which is of course total bollocks.

MrDobalina · 22/09/2012 00:34

its completely different to men saying women 'drive them to violence'

in the case of a woman hitting after being abused, it is adrenaline, fight-or-flight, and fear/self protection....not the frustration at own ineptitude/anger that men lash out in

Birdsgottafly · 22/09/2012 00:35

But many men use the excuse about nagging, that is why DV cannot be justified.

Women stay with abusers because of self esteem problems, but some men abuse for the same reasons.

Any physical abuse cannot be ok's in a relationship, it has got to be zero tolerance, from society's POV.

WorraLiberty · 22/09/2012 00:39

Not always MrDob a man can hit out due to adrenalin too after being constantly put down and abused by a woman too.

I think it's often a case of just 'snapping' and that can happen to either sex depending on the abuse received.

MrDobalina · 22/09/2012 00:40

birds no its not ok;

but men hit out of anger, desire to control (stop the anger)

a woman is hitting out of fear/ self preservation/ involuntary response caused by adrenaline....

MrDobalina · 22/09/2012 00:41

(stop the nagging)

RubyFakeNails · 22/09/2012 00:43

Both men and women are capable of long term abuse and snapping. I don't think you can solely attribute one style to each gender.

DH and I have had maybe a handful of physical incidents, but these aren't part of an abusive relationship these are incidents spread during a twenty year plus period where one or both of us have 'snapped'. You can't say my dh abuses me while I was just defending myself, we both snapped.

WorraLiberty · 22/09/2012 00:45

Sorry but that sounds like sterotypical claptrap to me MrDob

Do you not know any men who are much smaller than their partners?

Much quieter and more introvert?

Do you not know any angry women or controlling women?

Sometimes it's the man who fears the woman...sometimes it's the man who is physically smaller and weaker than the woman.

You can't put everyone in a box with a label because people are individuals and so are relationships.

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