to think violence can be justified?

[Flojo1979]

XP did a real number on me (i let him). In the end I had no confidence, no self esteem and became a wreck who was unable to articulate anything and respond appropriately.
I told XP it was over, to which he went off on one saying I'm worthless and no one would want me etc etc ending in him calling me a whore and a slag etc. The red mist descended and out of no one, after months and months of hell. I slapped him, real stinger right across his face.
That was nearly a year ago.
And I've just found out from mutual friends that he's being going round telling people he was the victim of domestic violence and that's why we split.
I feel so ashamed. I cant tell those friends I never laid a finger on him so now everyone thinks I am that type of person.
I know I can't justify it...I guess my title is wrong, it can't be justified.
I guess I just want someone to say, it was a stupid thing to do but they'd do the same or something.

no not always in those gender roles.......for ease of lazy writing. and because that is the usual scenario...

Precisely what I was trying to say Ruby

I hit a man on the head with a barstool once. He had attacked my boyfriend from behind and was kicking him. That was bloody justified.

do, without the gender stereotyping, then;

its ok to hit in self defence as a response to abuse
its not ok to hit out of anger/ to control

I agree 100% with that MrDobalina

Yes MrDobalina, that makes sense and I think is what most of us are saying.

When you bring gender stereotypes onto it, the focus of your post totally changes direction.

That last post makes it more of a moral thing, when you say males do x and females do y the post becomes all about gender.

To the OP I would say that if somone ever says to you that he said he was a victim of DV, you should say "Is that what he is saying? Hah! Talk about ironic!"

Because you slapped him once. It wasnt right. He abused you consistently for a long time. That wasnt right either.

The difference is that you know it wasnt right and have never done it before or since, but he will never accept that his behaviour was unjustified and will do it again to his next victim. And that is a very big difference.

I hear what WorraLiberty says, but, as a bloke I can't define a woman slapping a man in the face as "violence". It's more a simple statement of frustration / anger. If one man hits another man in the face it's the start of a fight. If a woman slaps a man it's because she's run out of clever things to say - but it can't really be seen (by a man) as "violence".
If a woman slaps a man in the face he should know that he's crossed a line.

It's not like a punch or a kick or even a flick on the ear - it's a culturally specific response that women are, in my view, allowed and licensed to inflict on men in certain circumstances. And no, of course I realise that no all relationships are Gregory Peck and Audrey Hepburn. But women can slap men in the face because It doesn't constitute any real physical threat and it's effect is 99% humiliating and 1% stinging cheek. That's the point. It says "you've gone to far and left me with nothing but this as a response". If it was "violence" then it would be perfectly acceptable for the man 9uninjured but red faced) to respond with a left hook - and we all know that ain't OK.
Thereby hangs the tale... She can hit him because it's not really a "hit" - it's a statement.

Yes, it would have been cooler if you'd had a devastating one liner instead (and I bet ten minutes later you thought of one) by none of us ever have those at the time do we?

So you slapped him - big deal...
He ought to learn something from it and you ought to forget it.
Tell your friends the complete truth - he crossed a line and you slapped him.

Sorry, but he deserved that slap.
What a wuss, then to go around saying my ex slapped me. But, why did she slap you?
Don't feel bad about it, it was your fight or
flight reaction.
I'm with minimonty

You could argue that the flight or fight response could be instigated by a slap, so where would it end?

Women are not the only one's whose childhood/past experiences 'damage' them, men deserve as much protection as women do and a slap is an act of violence.

Why should a women be allowed to humiliate a men? If all a slap does is humiliate?

If your relationship has got to that point, then walk away and keep walking, especially if you have children.

you've gone to far and left me with nothing but this as a response

There are always other responses to use, we teach that to young children in school.

We cannot have one rule for one gender and not for the other.

Having the attitude that as long as no physical damage is done, a slap is fine, does nothing for the quality of relationships and what we accept in our relationship.

The aim is to communicate better and have mutual respect, 'slaps' pay no part in that.

I agree birds, and a classic reversal of what MrDob (and others) are saying, 'Was I being unreasonable to slap my wife round the face because I was so frustrated at the way she was behaving, that she left me no other way of expressing how I felt?'

I can't imagine anyone giving the bloke a second thought.

But I gave the OP the benefit of doubt because I've been in similar situations, probably where I've actually been the one provoking the situation, and I know the stereotypes of what constitutes DV are nowhere to be seen.

A slap, or a shove, don't say abuse to me.

Abuse is sustained, and like other posters have said, it's without regret or acknowledgement from the abuser. Turning it round onto being the person on the receiving ends fault.

Like bogeyface says, it's about you knowing you were wrong OP, and you can feel better in yourself knowing he doesn't. (and you are the better person, posting this is evidence that it's true)

I can see where Birds is coming from here. It is never 'ok' for anyone to hit anyone and the gender stereotyping of 'men hit out of a need to control, women only hit out of desperation' is just ridiculous. OP, your ex is being an arse about a momentary loss of judgement and what you did was completely understandable. It can be labelled as abuse no more than if a man who is constantly put down by his wife suddenly snaps one day and slaps her. You are well rid of that relationship!

YABU. Two wrongs don't make a right. It's wrong to subject someone to emotional or verbal abuse. It's wrong to slap someone, however provoked you may be. Tell these mutual friends the full story and, if they take his side, make new friends...

Don't worry, Flojo. It will all come out in the end.

I had a controlling now ex DH who made me into a doormat. Several years after our split, a friend has told me that another friend is worried by the way he speaks to his new wife. Keep your head up because you were able to get rid of him and open up your life again.

What sort of thing did you get up to before you set yourself up with him? You probably had to give them up for him (I did for my XDH). Go back to those activities and you'll find that it will work for you. I went back to mine and am back to adrenaline rushing extreme sports.

You were emotionally abused constantly over a number of months to the point of no self confidence and at the end regretfully slapped him ONCE whilst upset.

Can you text that to the gossips?

Flojo - as someone said earlier, this is not about what you did but how you feel about your reputation

My ex has said all sorts of stuff about me which was both wrong, outrageous at times and irritating.

You need to feel good about yourself and then whatever he says will just be words