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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be bitter about only having one child?

67 replies

mumbubble · 21/09/2012 11:23

I have one DD. I desperately want another child but my husband point blank refuses, he just will not entertain the idea of another child. She is almost 7 now and I've spent the last 6 years being increasingly bitter about all those around me who are fortunate enough to have more than one. It's got to the point now where I avoid pregnant friends and acqaintances and those with newborns. I know it's selfish, but I just can't bear it. I'm now past 45 so it's not even as if it's really feasible to have more anyway, but it doesn't take away the bitterness. I'd leave my husband in a heartbeat if I didn't think it would be disastrous for my DD.

OP posts:

MamaMumrOrangeTheGolden · 21/09/2012 22:29

Good luck mumbubble
Over time I've felt more at ease with how things have turned out.

piratecat · 21/09/2012 22:35

sounds like there is so much sadness going on with your relationship. i can empathise, i have a feeling of missing out having been single 7 years because my dh upped and left suddenly.

I am 43 and it's that feeling that time has run out now. One life and all that.
Yet, i would prob be deeply unhappy if like you my relationship was crappy AND I had not been able to have another. The fact that he has insisted on it, and that's that. iyswim

Original poster

mumbubble · 21/09/2012 22:35

Shelby2010 if I left it would be in the knowledge I still wouldn't have anymore, but I wouldn't feel so bitter. But it really isn't an option.
There has been quite a number of 2nd and 3rd babies round here recently - siblings to my DD's friends - so with quite big age gaps and that just brings my feelings closer to the surface I suppose. green-eyed monster and all that.

OP posts:

pigletpower · 21/09/2012 23:12

Twentyseconds- so glad that your sports/hobbies have not been too compromised.

Almandine · 21/09/2012 23:28

Now I understand.

This difference between me and you, mumbubble is that my DH would take almost anything I threw at him. (And we had lots of sex).

I really feel for you. It must be a very painful situation.

theonlywayisorange · 21/09/2012 23:39

YANBU
My dh promised me we'd try till my 40th birthday, then 2 months before went back on it. For a long time I felt a huge grief, anger and bitterness. I know now it will never happen and I have moved on now definitely. Doesn't stop me wondering though what could have been, and i really related to the title of your post.
I am in counselling at the moment and whilst this isn't the main focus I do think it's helped. I don't look at dd thinking I've failed her any more and find it easier to see the positives.
Anyway, good luck op, I know it's hard xx

LucieMay · 21/09/2012 23:57

I used to feel the same way about two parent families (raised ds alone since birth, dad's a loser). I even used to feel jealous on ds's behalf towards other kids that have dads! I also even felt bitter towards other single mums whose dcs had contact with their dads. But you can't live with bitterness and envy, it stops you enjoying the good things in your life and destroys you. There is always someone who wants what we have and always someone who has what we want. It's hard to deal with but you just have to try your best to come to terms with it.

GothAnneGeddes · 22/09/2012 02:08

Piglet - this has been a lovely thread so far, I really think that comment is uncalled for. Twenty is happy with her family + life and so is her Dh, so I don't see the need for any hmm faces.

O.P YANBU. We've got a beautiful DD and we'd love a sibling for her, but it may not happen (fertility ishoos). It is painful and IMO, the negative perceptions of "only" having one child don't really help. I really hope can be at peace with having one child.

I also highly recommend the one child board here, they're a lovely bunch.

LulaBear · 22/09/2012 02:39

At 45 you can just, maybe, possibly, have another baby. If you wanted another baby enough you would risk it. If you don't you won't. Your call.

pigletpower · 22/09/2012 16:29

Goth-on reflection my comment was a little harsh.I apologise,it's just that it read like she ranked her sports and hobbies above her child. Wouldn't we all love to have children and carry on exactly as before? I would appreciate Twenty coming back and telling us if things have panned out the way she planned them. With three kids myself [14,7 and 3] I suppose the green mist descended! Sorry.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 22/09/2012 16:43

I am in your situation. I want another, DH doesn't. He was the one who wanted kids more in the first place, now doesn't want another. I feel sad but certainly don't resent him or other people with two. I plan to look into fostering or having a young homeless mum live with us (there is a program here that does that). That way I get my baby-sniffing and I don't bring an unwanted, at least by one parent, child into the world.

googlyeyes · 22/09/2012 18:31

I feel so, so sorry for your pain.

Despite loving my husband very much I would have left him in a heartbeat if he had 'point blank refused' to have any more children. It would have been an absolute deal breaker for me personally.

If he was that intractable in his views, he would have had to accept that we would have to part and hope to find new partners who shared our life view.

What if you subsume your desperate desire for more children and then down the line your husband leaves you, or the marriage breaks down?

MsGee · 22/09/2012 18:46

mumbubble I am so sorry you feel this way.

Things I have learnt ...

It is possible to separate the grief of not having another child with the anger / hurt / grief over the circumstances. My situation is different to yours but I have accepted having one child. I will never accept the circumstances (no need to derail your thread but not bc of DH).

Avoiding other people at times to protect yourself is fine. Cutting off anyone who is pregnant or had a second child is not. You lose out and people do understand. A few won't. You can cut those loose

I understand that I am the lucky ... I have a lovely DD and for many that would be the ultimate goal. Reminding myself of this helps. I know it's trite but from day 1 I've counted my blessings.

I think coming to terms with having one child is a separate issue to anger / bitterness with DH. I am sure you can come to terms with the first - I have no experience of the latter but suspect that you need to do it together.

Best of luck and sod MN etiquette ((( )))

FamiliesShareGerms · 22/09/2012 19:09

We only had one for a very long time, and I desperately wanted another but DH had been clear from the start he only wanted one.

I went through years of second and third siblings coming along for friends and family (smiling through gritted teeth). I know how hard it is. Then I laid it on the line with DH about how unhappy it was making me. He hadn't really understood how I felt until I told him in words of one syllable. Long story short, we adopted our second, but I believe if I hadn't explained just how much it meant to me we might still have just one.

Have you properly explained (and I don't mean subtle hints) what this means to you?

NorthernGobshite · 22/09/2012 19:13

Having one child is not a curse or something to feel bitter about. Enjoy the child you have instead of being bitter about one you don't. Why is she not enough?

DamnTheManSaveTheEmpire · 22/09/2012 19:22

Visit the infertility and conception boards....these ppl are desperate for a family and would give anything for 1 child. Be extremely grateful for your healthy dd op.

cansu · 22/09/2012 22:16

I also feel a great desire for another child but owing to a genetic problem know that any child I have will likely have a particular disability. I try and put it out of my mind as I know I owe it to the children I have to focus on them. I can understand your feelings but I think life is about both joys and grief or disappointment. We have to put our own tragedies and difficulties into context and focus on making the best of our lives. I hope that doesn't sound pompous it isn't meant to be its just how I try to make sense of the life I have.

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