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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be bitter about only having one child?

67 replies

mumbubble · 21/09/2012 11:23

I have one DD. I desperately want another child but my husband point blank refuses, he just will not entertain the idea of another child. She is almost 7 now and I've spent the last 6 years being increasingly bitter about all those around me who are fortunate enough to have more than one. It's got to the point now where I avoid pregnant friends and acqaintances and those with newborns. I know it's selfish, but I just can't bear it. I'm now past 45 so it's not even as if it's really feasible to have more anyway, but it doesn't take away the bitterness. I'd leave my husband in a heartbeat if I didn't think it would be disastrous for my DD.

OP posts:
MyLastDuchess · 21/09/2012 16:33

I think you should definitely go for counselling to help you to deal with this. Not because of it not being fair on your husband or friends or whatever, but for your own sake. It's no fun to go through life with such a massive sadness on your shoulders, and the right type of therapy really can help.

SaraBellumHertz · 21/09/2012 16:43

I understand the bitterness. My situation is different but I think the pain is feeling is similar: it's about not having the life you feel you ought to have.

I have three lovely DC, but I should have four. I've given birth to four but only have three.

It's taken a while but I've come to terms with it - although I still feel terribly sad when I see a pregnant woman, and yes bitter on days but I need to concentrate on what I do have rather than what I don't.

Op you sound like maybe another child is the least of your worries? If you don't want to be with your DH it doesn't follow that leaving would wreck your DcS life

xJulesx · 21/09/2012 16:53

Another one here with only one child, I can totally understand where you are coming from, I feel bitter about it sometimes, I would love another child, but know it's not going to happen, So I try to concentrate on my lovely DD and be happy with what I've got. Hope counselling helps.

janey68 · 21/09/2012 18:26

I feel for you OP, it must be very hard. But I also agree with the advice here, to focus on all the positives and enjoy your dd's childhood.

When it comes to children, it's not quantity that's important. If your dd has a lovely upbringing and is loved and valued, you will have a happier family than one with 3 or 4 kids who don't invest that love and care.

It may also be worth pursuing a few dreams which would be less easy with more kids. Think of things you can afford to do with one, or which are more practical with one, which you couldn't do with more. Maybe some city trips abroad, where you won't end up dragging 4 whiny kids around and can really enjoy each others company. You could also capitalise on the fact that you don't have the problem of vastly different ages to cater for. And in a few years you'll be able to do mum and dd spa days!

We have two kids, and are very happy with that, but when I look around, if I envy anyone at all, its not the friends we know with 3, 4 or more. If I had any other scenario I would go for a single child, because all the ones I know are really calm happy families. Not saying the others are all unhappy, but I've seen first hand the sheer work load of balancing lots of different needs. If you were to fall pregnant again now, you would have a massive age gap anyway which would restrict your and your dds lives, so I would definitely try to accept how things are and enjoy it

MamaMumrOrangeTheGolden · 21/09/2012 19:06

Although I'm not in your exact situation, I know that it can be heartbreaking when you want more than one child. I have one lovely boy but it did take a long time to accept and come to terms with the fact that he'd be an only child.

I did talk to someone about it and it helped me - I get a bit sad sometimes, but I always tell myself that we are so lucky too....

Maybe talk through how you are feeling because resentment will just eat away at you.

aldiwhore · 21/09/2012 19:33

I echo other, and find your situation incredibly sad.

I'm not sure how you can reconcile it, but it needs to come out and be spoken about with your husband, then at least you can decide whether to forgive him for being him, and your bitter feelings.

I have to say though, that its more disastrous to stay with a man you don't love and can't forgive (even if its nothing specifice to forgive, just normal flaws!) than to leave. If that is the only choice I would say its always better to get out than stay in a situation for 'the child's sake' because children are not stupid.

I do agree that you must at least try to focus on the brilliant things you have.

scattergun · 21/09/2012 20:11

We have an only 7yo. We never missed an opportunity for a sibling and he's still an only. I was only 35 when he was born. No apparent medical reason for him not to have a sibling (just the mysteries of biology) and I have loads of sibs and couldn't imagine what it must be like to grow up as an only. He has a lovely life. Lots of cousins, lots of holidays that we can only afford because he's an only and a busy social life. It's not what we wanted for him but everyone seems to be enjoying it.

scattergun · 21/09/2012 20:14

Sorry, forgot the important bit. It was hard to accept no more kids, although no one to blame. But it worked out okay. For you, I think, it depends whether you want the afterwards. I was very sad for a while but now...all's good.

LapsusLinguae · 21/09/2012 20:25

mumbubble - have you visited the One Child Family board? - have you read any books about parenting an only child?

Is your DH sad that you are sad? How often is the subject raised?

Do your friends/family know that this is the reason you have one DC?

How much would his hobbies/interests be effected?

Is his "point blank refusal" also a feature for other discussion - eg new car/holiday/redecoration etc - or was it just limited to this matter?

Nahla321 · 21/09/2012 20:30

Just concentrate on counting your blessings instead of counting what you don't have, you are truly blessed to have a happy healthy daughter. There are always possibilties in your future to foster children when your daughter leave home or to go to university? Although when she turns into a teenager she will keep you busy enough trust me! Then before you know it grandchildren to dote on. I understand why you feel sad at having lost out on having another child, the longing may well pass. Enjoy your little girl :)

WouldntAdmitThisInPublic · 21/09/2012 20:32

My god, you could be me! Same kind of age group and same situation with my DH not wanting another child because he didn't want to give up any time spent on his sports - even though I did and still do 95% of looking after our DD. It is desperately hard not to be bitter and I completely understand your thoughts about leaving your husband. For me, it's that I feel so let down by my DH. He knows how much I want another child and I know he feels guilty about it so he does his best to avoid the subject altogether.

Someone upthread mentioned that it's a form of grief, and I agree with that. Sometimes we can be sitting having dinner and I'll suddenly get hit with the very real feeling that there's someone missing and I feel my eyes well up. Not that I'd ever let my DD know about this, of course. She's asked why she doesn't have a brother or a sister and I just say that sometimes these things just don't happen. I'd never hurt her by telling the truth. I feel thankful every single for my amazing DD and try very hard to focus on that, difficult though it is.

I feel for you, mumbubble, and understand absolutely how you feel.

MamaMumrOrangeTheGolden · 21/09/2012 20:45

this poster is in a simar situation to you OP

Liketochat1 · 21/09/2012 20:59

Yanbu. I think if he felt that way I would have another anyway and just take on the majority of parenting- like a single parent might. It's not ideal but better that than feel resentment towards your dh and others. That regret and resentment may build up to the point you separate anyway and by then it might be too late to conceive again.

mrsconfuseddotcom · 21/09/2012 21:05

I can understand your frustration but echo everyone else in the fact that you need to count your blessings. There is always someone worse off than you.

I'm 41 and, after three years of trying, it's become clear we are never going to have children. The problem lies with my DH. I just wish we had one child. Sad

Almandine · 21/09/2012 21:06

mumbubble, you say your DH will not entertain the idea of another child.

My DH was the same....I went ahead and got pregnant anyway.

Can I ask why you haven't?

bamboostalks · 21/09/2012 21:11

Er Almandine presumably because to do so would be deceitful and shocking behaviour.
????

lovebunny · 21/09/2012 21:17

i had only one baby from my marriage - because he wanted to be a dad before his twenty-fifth birthday (she was born in june, he was 25 in july). he didn't love me and we didn't have any more babies.

thirty years later i still sometimes refer to my one daughter as 'the children'. its not so bad, as her husband is one of the 'children' now, and they have a baby of their own :).

still have the feeling that 'my other babies' were never conceived - but it doesn't hurt so much now. i accept it. i started to work towards accepting it at the age of thirty-six. at that age, i accepted old age, deliberately, and left behind all hopes of further children.

tanfastic · 21/09/2012 21:18

Op, I'm not in your exact situation but i do have one child and would have liked another (so would dh) but it never happened so we've recently stopped trying and drawn a line under it due to partly our ages (I'm 39 he's 47) and because we already have a very full life with lots of hobbies and interests ourselves.

However, I feel the maternal pang desperately sometimes and still feel an overwhelming sadness that I'll never gave another child. I also feel very envious of other people pregnant with their second. I do know how you feel op, it's a horrible feeling.

I just try and focus on what I've got, a lovely child, great dh, nice home, a gorgeous dog Grin and for the first time in ages money in my pocket.

I'm lucky to have one healthy child and I constantly remind myself of that.

aliasjoey · 21/09/2012 21:18

Only have one DD and would have loved more. Not that DH insisted on no, but he wasn't keen and we didn't try very hard Sad Too late now.

I'm always paranoid something might happen to her, and then I would be lost. Stupid I know.

We got a dog instead. Sometimes I think DH would have preferred another child!

Almandine · 21/09/2012 21:22

bamboostalks - so you think my behavior was deceitful and shocking.

I did say to DH I am having another baby. He was not happy, but obviously not concerned enough to prevent a pregnancy.

mumbubble, I don't think you are selfish.

lovebunny · 21/09/2012 21:25

spent one evening in a pub with another mother-of-one admitting to grieving for the 'other' children we never had. not something you can usually talk about as there is always someone who hasn't had the opportunity to have even one, and it would seem terribly greedy and heartless to them if we talked about being broken hearted because we could not have more than one.

bamboostalks · 21/09/2012 21:28

What you are suggesting is deceitful. Perhaps in your case it was benign indifference? That is quite different to vehement opposition.

Almandine · 21/09/2012 21:38

I am certainly not suggesting the OP gets pregnant with out her DH's consent! I am not suggesting she is deceitful.

I am asking the OP (OK, slightly high jacking her thread) why she didn't insist on another child. Maybe she has more respect for her DH than I did for mine. I am curious because she obviously wants another child very badly, but has chosen not to forge ahead and get her own way.

Please don't think my DH was showing "benign indifference" to having another child. He was quite open and vocal that he did want to have another child. I was quite insistent I did. There were rows and periods of not speaking to each other. I was very focused on having another child, and made no secret of it.

Original poster
mumbubble · 21/09/2012 22:17

Spero of course my DD is not daft, she can see we're not 100%, but she is blissfully unaware of my bitterness re her 'only child' status
LapsusLinguae thanks for the tip re the one child family board. DH is so certain of his choice that he doesn't really bother if I'm sad. My close friends know, his friends and our families - not really. His interests are very time consuming and he works irregular shifts - they would definitely be affected. TBH we haven't really had any other major things that would divide our opinion.
MamaMumrOrangeTheGolden thanks for the link
Almandine we rarely have sex, once in the last 18 months
I know I'm lucky to have a happy, healthy child - I really do, it's just hard to shake the bitterness sometimes. Of course my DH and I have other problems, but just leaving is not a straight forward option. I don't not choose it lightly.
I will seek help - but I have to say, all these responses have been very heartwarming and kind - much more so than I had expected - thank you so much x

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 21/09/2012 22:26

YANBU

Wanting a second child is a desperate feeling. Partly because you know how wonderful it is to hold your own newborn & also wanting a sibling for your child. And then a big dollop of guilt thrown in because you know how lucky you are to have the first one.

Are there other issues with your DH, or has something brought this to a head now? At 45 you are pushing it, but you could still consider donor eggs. Or even donor embryos if you decided another child was more important to you than your marriage.