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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dump him because he smokes

42 replies

Dryjuice25 · 20/09/2012 22:19

Been together 8 years,now on separation(whole other story). He wants to come back but I hate that he still smokes 8 years on even though he promised to quit when we were dating. I feel deceived and this has been one of the biggest barrier re intimacy. But he doesn't seem to get this.

Can't kiss/wont kiss him. He has very bad oral hygiene overall and stinks of tobacco always. His teeth are in a state.I feel that we might have been closer if smoking didn't come between us and I resent that he chose to smoke and not us.

I don't particularly like him I feel, mainly due to his smoking as there is no intimacy. He wont give up as he says he enjoys his tobacco

AIBU??
(might not reply immediately)

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 20/09/2012 22:22

You're not dumping him because he smokes, but because he shows no respect and regard for you. Presumably you've had eight yearx of disregard, you've got it together in your head to split. Don't have him back.

Shakey1500 · 20/09/2012 22:23

YABU to end the relationship 8years down the line after knowing he is a smoker and previously accepting it. But there's other reasons yes? So I assume they override the smoking point. Which makes the smoking bit a moot point really. Unless I'm spectacularly missing the point?? Grin

SirGOLDBoobs · 20/09/2012 22:23

YANBU :(

KellyElly · 20/09/2012 22:25

Don't get together with a smoker in the first place if you are so anti it.

exoticfruits · 20/09/2012 22:26

I wouldn't live with a smoker but then it would have been a deal breaker from the start.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 20/09/2012 22:29

Unless you have a very strange relationship, if you don't want to kiss someone, being with them sounds futile.

FWIW, it can happen. My DH gave up smoking the day I moved to be with him. I didn't ask him to, it was "the least" he could do. My late MIL loved me so much that day.

Fairylea · 20/09/2012 22:30

Sounds like you loathe him to be honest. Why would you get back with him ?

I can't stand smoking either by the way. Itwwould be a dealbreaker for me.

mum4041 · 20/09/2012 22:31

Don't know what to say really (being a bit of a ex smoker and a drinker). You sound a bit mismatched really.

It's a bit like a heavy drinker going out with a tee-totaller. It's not going to work.

Something you either have to accept or move on. It's unlikely you'll change someone.

Original poster
Dryjuice25 · 20/09/2012 22:32

Thank you all for your replies.

Shakey, there are other rzns but thats the biggest for me by far. He promised to quit but never did. I do blame myself for taking him on his word but I had no reason to doubt him.

OP posts:
becsparkel · 20/09/2012 22:32

yanbu but...

It's not about the smoking or oral hygiene, if you really wanted to be with him, that wouldn't matter... although it would piss me off too. Sounds like you want out.

ErikNorseman · 20/09/2012 22:33

Being a smoker doesn't necessarily make you smelly and gross all the time. If his hygiene is poor anyway it won't help. If you find him disgusting then ywbu to get back with him! You aren't obliged to, just because he wants to you know!

thebeesnees79 · 20/09/2012 22:35

yanbu smoking is stinky nasty and expensive, not to mention selfish.

iHaveNoIkea · 20/09/2012 22:35

Thought the title said hump not dump. Bit disappointed tbh.

HTH

PropertyNightmare · 20/09/2012 22:35

YANBU at all. I can understand why you are so upset. I would also find a smoking partner repulsive, a total turn off.

ZZZenAgain · 20/09/2012 22:36

I don't think that is an unreasonable cause for staying apart. I couldn't kiss someone who smells of smoke, would totally put me off. It just wouldn't ever be an intimate relationship. He may well be a nice guy but if you can't stand being around him because of the smell, how is that ever going to work out?

If he won't give it up and you can't stand it, I think it is the end of the line. You can still be friendly to each other and have a reasonable relationship around the dc. If the romantic/sexual side is dead because of the smoking, what kind of relationship is he envisaging when he comes back?

exoticfruits · 20/09/2012 22:38

Smoking always makes you smelly.

pumpkinsweetie · 20/09/2012 22:40

If you really wanted a relationship with him, smoking wouldn't be the reason not to.
It doesn't seem as though you want him back and are using this reason as an excuse not to admit the true reasons to yourself and him.
Me & my dh have been together over 8 years, life has got very stressful recently so he has started smoking-i don't like it but this his only outlet and he is a grown man.
Aslong as he brushes his teeth after and smokes outside i try not to be bothered by it.
We all have vises

TheCalmingManatee · 20/09/2012 22:40

It would be a deal breaker for me too - Its not just that you maybe shoudlnt have got with him in the first place if you knew he smoked. It probably has become a bigger issue for you over time. Alsoif he can't give up for you, he's not worth it.

lisaro · 20/09/2012 22:41

You went with him when he was a smoker. He's got no reason to stop. You shouldn't have. Fwiw no matter how much I liked someone, if they smoked I just couldn't bring myself to kiss them (actually I can't envisage even being attracted to a smoker, I find it repulsive).

thebeesnees79 · 20/09/2012 22:41

bad teeth and poor oral hygiene is an instant deal breaker for me always has been :/

Original poster
Dryjuice25 · 20/09/2012 22:44

Can't keep up, using on-screen keyboard as keys frozen....

Anyway, he was nice and kind and i'd just come out of an abusive relationship so i broke my own rules and got with him as he promised to quit. BIG MISTAKE.

The problem is he can't see how much this has contributed to the problems we are having and apparently im to blame for being "cold and uncaring" . I think i gave him long enough to sort himself out.

OP posts:
TheCalmingManatee · 20/09/2012 22:44

but pumpkin, your DHs vice could kill him - i would absolutely not tolerate my partner smoking, i feel very strongly about this - i watched my dad descend into a living hell becaue he smoked, he got vascular dementia before eventually succumbing to lung cancer. I promise you, it is not something you want to watch happening to someone you love. If i were you i would be BEGGING if ihad to, to get your DH to stop smoking. He is going to shorten his life, considerably.

thebeesnees79 · 20/09/2012 22:49

I second the cancer death statement. I have lost a grandparents & uncle from smoking. One had oesophigal cancer and lung cancer the other lung and prostate cancer.
The death is slow and painful

PropertyNightmare · 20/09/2012 22:50

^^ Agree with Manatee 100%.

Original poster
Dryjuice25 · 20/09/2012 22:52

TheCalming- my dad died of smoke/alcohol related problems too, so really its more than a personal issue to me iyswim......thanks for that.

OP posts: