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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To dump him because he smokes

42 replies

Dryjuice25 · 20/09/2012 22:19

Been together 8 years,now on separation(whole other story). He wants to come back but I hate that he still smokes 8 years on even though he promised to quit when we were dating. I feel deceived and this has been one of the biggest barrier re intimacy. But he doesn't seem to get this.

Can't kiss/wont kiss him. He has very bad oral hygiene overall and stinks of tobacco always. His teeth are in a state.I feel that we might have been closer if smoking didn't come between us and I resent that he chose to smoke and not us.

I don't particularly like him I feel, mainly due to his smoking as there is no intimacy. He wont give up as he says he enjoys his tobacco

AIBU??
(might not reply immediately)

OP posts:

Original poster

Dryjuice25 · 20/09/2012 23:05

I admit there are other issues too but I long for that physical intimacy that a healthy relationship provides and this tobacco didn't encourage matters. I can't get close to him as I feel totally repulsed by him. I wish this was different and I hate what it's done to us.....

OP posts:

Original poster

Dryjuice25 · 20/09/2012 23:14

Thank you all again. I think the the consensus here is I'm NBU and will happily show him this thread....to see what he does with this insight.

OP posts:

PropertyNightmare · 20/09/2012 23:17

I think that is a good idea, OP.

BlueSkySinking · 20/09/2012 23:58

I would actively choose not to be with a smoker too. I guess you expected him to stop and he didn't. Time to move on if smoking really puts you off.

Original poster

Dryjuice25 · 21/09/2012 11:00

Blue, I have just shown him the thread. He said it was a waste of time as..."will not be bullied into giving up by people I've never met..." so yes you are spot on.

He gave up for 2weeks, when he moved in with me "to please you as I felt bullied but will do if for me when ready ". I never bullied him, but only stated that I had serious personal issues with smoking. That's why I feel deceived and not taken seriously.

He thinks it's appropriate to bully me into kissing him whilst he stinks horribly of tobacco. Basically i'm the one responsible for wanting to break up coz of "something so stupid".

OP posts:

HellonHeels · 21/09/2012 11:35

From your posts it sounds as if you are not attracted to him; you also say there are other issues.

Remember, you can break up with him for whatever reason you like. You are not under any obligation to remain in a relationship with him.

VeritableSmorgasbord · 21/09/2012 11:37

YANBU. If he can't look after his own hygiene (assuming no MH issues) then it's settling for someone unpleasantly gross who presumable can't be arsed with lots of other quite important things.

marge2 · 21/09/2012 11:40

I could never have got together with a smoker to start with. Fag breath - just bleeeuuugggghhh.

VinegarTits · 21/09/2012 11:42

god he sounds awful, my ex smoked but you would never know as he had very good oral hygiene and i never felt like i was kissing a smoker

i couldnt date someone who didnt look after their teeth even if they didnt smoke

VinegarTits · 21/09/2012 11:46

haha ive just seen that he has read this thread, i think he might have trouble finding a new partner if he doesnt get himself to a dentist and sort out his mouth, regardless of whether he gives up fags or not, good luck with that one mate

Zalen · 21/09/2012 11:57

Y would be U to dump him this far down the line because he smokes. It's a disgusting habit but if he was a smoker when you first met and you accepted it then then you would have no right to demand he change 8 years down the line.

However that's not what you're doing, you are on separation now and having managed to get rid once Y would be Very U to take back a man you say you don't particularly like for a long list of very good reasons.

Original poster

Dryjuice25 · 21/09/2012 13:00

Zalen-It was difficult to get him to move out to start with. He wants to try and salvage what we can of the relationship, this involves airing heart felt grievances and tobacco was my biggest. He knows this but it boggles my mind why he is quite happy to disregard this but still expects me to take him back. I have my faults too and I'm willing to compromise. Why won't he give up if he still wants to be with me like he says?

It feels like the more we have the tobacco talk, the more he is prepared to keep the habit at all cost , which sadly means taking me for granted thus pushing me further away. FFS I gave him 8 years of my life, and stopping smoking will help bond us again, let alone save us a bit of cash. I know it's a hard addiction to beat and will understand if he doesn't give up abruptly but the problem is his lack of intention/motivation to do so.

I'm glad and grateful to those of you who have outrightly stated they wouldn't consider dating a smoker. It shows me we are not breaking up over "something so stupid " as this tobacco matters immensely to me

OP posts:

Narked · 21/09/2012 14:23

Er, surely the 'bad oral hygiene overall' and the fact that 'his teeth are in a state' would be the main issue. The tobacco is probably helping to hide the stench of decay!

Fishwife1949 · 21/09/2012 14:34

Its not about dating somone and them promising to quit

Its about op not dating somone who smokes in the first place

I hate smoke i dot allow it in my hime or garden ergo me seeing a smoker is incompatible

I dont know why women do this get with somone who is not want they want then try over time to mould them into the man they do want

Why not save some time op and just look for non smokers

TheBigJessie · 21/09/2012 14:49

Seems to me you're trying to justify not wanting a relationship with him any more.

You don't need to justify it. You're not obliged to be with someone you don't love.

Tell you what though, it's far healthier to dump somone for smoking than to take smoking up, too! I have known men and women do that. Madness. For relationships that ended a year later, too.

Treblesallround · 21/09/2012 14:54

Blimey Fishwife, you don't allow smoking in your garden! You're pretty hardcore!

aldiwhore · 21/09/2012 15:12

He has to be the one who decides to quit, he can't do it for you, he can't do it for anyone but himself.

If you cannot love him as a smoker, then YANBU to end it.

I'm a smoker. I would not give up for anyone other than myself and my children (I count that reason as still for myself - so I can not be ashamed) and I've given up and fallen off the wagon more times than I can count. My mum was a radiotherapist, my friend's husband died from a smoking related illness... if that didn't scare me into quitting then nagging lectures from a partner who knew I was a smoker from the start won't get close either.

I do think its sad that you can't get round this, but if you just can't then that it valid, though I don't think it is the only reason is it?

YANBU. Though you were U for dating him in the first place... be careful what promises to change you seek when dating!

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