to expect DH to come home from work, or at least get paid overtime?

[Jojoba1986]

It's a particularly bad example today but he's had to go 3.5 hours away for an all day thing which meant leaving the house at 6 & originally he should have been home by 7 'at the latest' but 'unfortunately things got a bit delayed this morning' & so he's basically not going to be home until 10!
I know these things happen occasionally but this is just an extreme example of a relatively normal day! He often tells me he'll be home by 6 so we can all have dinner together but then doesn't even leave the office until then which means he's home about 7. If he's got a lot of work then he'll stay until it's sorted, although he's beginning to get a little better at knowing when enough is enough after I got really annoyed at him on several occasions & told him that I had no intention of DS growing up not knowing if Daddy would be home in time to say goodnight! (Too harsh, I know!) We already put DS to bed later than other 1yos so he actually gets time with him in the evenings but is allowed to sleep late most mornings.
I don't know how much of it is him being too diligent & wanting to get everything right & how much of it is a lack of employee power to get the work done. He says that as a civil engineer it's expected that he'll work a little overtime but it's already in his contract to work half an hour longer than his previous job essentially as unpaid overtime! It just seems really wrong of his company to expect him to work long hours for free & not see his young child at all on days like today!

So who is being unreasonable? Me or them?! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

(I am aware that lots of people regularly work really long hours or away from home but that's not the lifestyle either of us want & when we got married I was under the impression that he had a relatively 9-5 type job & regular overtime wouldn't be an issue unless he worked his way up to a managerial role.)

Oh god what a load of typos and errors - apols.

Yanbu if you ate picking up on the misogynism in the engineering industry, that the little woman is always there to pick up the slack.

In most normal, proper professions now you are only asked to work the long hours when junior or if paid mega bucks. My profession is very family friendly, and my doctor friends at consultant level find the same.

I'm also married to an engineer and im sick of work functions where his colleagues boast about how much money they earn and how important their jobs are. Engineering is weird - I have honestly never met a work colleague of dh's who has, or has has, a professional or reasonably serious career. I've never been asked at a social function what I do for a living, its as if its assumed I stay at home to facilitate dh's career. I even got told once, when conversationally asking one of his colleagues what his job involved, "you wouldn't understand, you're a woman".

I honestly feel like im subsidising dh's job at times and left out of pocket by his unpredictable hours. Ironically, as a dentist, I earn more than him working three days a week, but this means there is no way I am going to prioritise his companys lack of organisation over my own job, which they seem to assume as a given.

typo - should read I've never met another male engineer whose wife or girlfriend has had a career.

I hate this attitude of just suck it up, others have it worse, work longer etc. the OP is NBU to want to see more of her dh and he would NBU to try and sort something out at work so he can do less hours. Whether he can or not I have no idea but to just say deal with it is a bit harsh.

The thing about any kind of economic downturn is companies cut costs by cutting staff, and then when things pick up they don't increase staff or suddenly start paying overtime again. We are on average working more hours now than we ever were while the fat cats just get richer. And before we know it we will be like America where they work even longer hours and have hardly any holidays.

I think YANBU to feel this way, but realistically your DH probably has no chance of overtime. I'm usually very against long hours but working until 6 is not so bad.

Is there any way to cut down the commuting time?

I agree it would be better to just assume 7 is when he comes home and adjust things accordingly.

My DH has been getting home later for a bit and we've shifted the schedule so that DS goes to bed at 8, we eat dinner around 6.45 or 7 when DH gets home.

Gold - I don't think the OP is BU, but I think realistically this is what happens. It's not right.

DH, another civil engineer, is on the flight home after a 3 week stint away. I was told this week about the next 2 trips (3 weeks at home working in local office, 2 weeks away, 3 weeks home (1 of which he says he will take as leave - but I don't believe that anymore), and another 3 weeks away). And as he was heading to the airport last night, he found out that his boss has put his name forward for another project that requires FT presence in that country - without even telling DH in advance, let alone asking him!!

And that's quite apart from the general long hours he does when he is here.

But my dad is an engineer too, and I see him always doing long hours and lots of trips. And my bro has had to emigrate, after spending 6 months commuting to Sweden, as an engineer. :( It just seems to go with the territory, especially in the current economic climate.

Times are tough and companies are no longer employing the number of employees they need so existing employees have to take up the slack. Your DH might not have thought, at the beginning, that he would have to work such long hours but now he may have no choice. It doesn't necessarily mean he wants to stay working such hours. But companies rarely pay overtime and to succeed you just have to suck it up and work the hours required to get the job done (and then go three steps beyond if you want to ascend the ladder). If he can't or won't leave his current position then you may have to accept he's rarely going to come home in time. When your child starts nursery or school he'll have to have an earlier bed time anyway as he'll have to be up early. My DD has always had a 7pm bedtime and her daddy only ever sees her in the morning and on weekends. I often eat alone. It's just the way it is.

DH does not have hours as such - he has a job to do and works until it gets done. This involves workign a 11-12 hour day, sometimes working nights or weekends, often going abroad for up to 10 days at a time. It is what it is but he earns well and has lots of potential to keep moving up.

Unless your DH is on a low wage, no prospects or gets paid hourly that is just the way it goes I am afraid. Few people who arrive at 9 on the dot and leave at 5 on the dot get far in their careers.