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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I am not a mug

39 replies

IllHaveAFlatWhitePlease · 20/09/2012 13:43

I've been called a mug today by DP's best friends wife who is currently staying with us (her, her DH and three year old)

Why? Because she observed me putting DS, 7months, down for nap. He can't self-settle so I usually walk him up and down the kitchen in my arms, rocking, until he nods off. Then put him as gently as possible in cot. TBF it sometimes takes a few goes! Yes it's a pain, yes it does require everyone else to STFU for 10-15 mins but I'm just not up for CC yet.

She said he will never be able to settle himself and that I am a mug for all the rocking. Really? Am I? I guess I am writing this as at the back of my mind I feel maybe she might actually be right in suggesting I try and teach him to self settle. Is now a good time? Will he be ok if I don't? Or will
I be rocking an 18 year old DS off to sleep because he still hasn't figured it out??

Do think it was a bit harsh, although I'm sure reasonably well meant. She herself admits DD was a dream baby so I think it was probably a lot easier for her to put her down than my highly strung DS

OP posts:

putonyourredshoes · 20/09/2012 13:46

Bollocks! Do what's right for you. Yes you may end up with a clingy child but equally you may end up with a confident and secure one. Same could happen if you leave him to cry now. There's no way of knowing so just go with what feels right.

FWIW we rocked DD until she was about 1 year / 18 months and she is happy and secure. It was a pain in the arse at the time but I'm glad I did it now.

TapirBackRider · 20/09/2012 13:47

It was harsh, and shows that she's obviously never had a baby that won't self settle.

I'd be a bit ticked that a guest thought it was alright to be calling me names in my own house though.

Bookbrain · 20/09/2012 13:48

She is BU.

Firstly, your baby is only 7 months. Even those who advocate CC say not to use it below 6 months. He's still little.

Secondly, she admits that she had a dream baby, so her advice is not based on experience but on her prejudices.

Thirdly, and most importantly, it's none of her goddam business.

WelshMaenad · 20/09/2012 13:51

Ugh, the rodforyourownback brigade. I do loathe them.

DS needed rocking/cwtching to sleep until he was nearly 2, at which point he decided that going to sleep by himself was perfectly ok, and has been self settling and sleeping a solid 12 hours a night ever since. Faith, young grasshopper.

Tweasels · 20/09/2012 13:52

My DS self settled and was a brilliant sleeper. I wrongly attributed this to my amazing parenting skills. I am very ashamed to say that I once offered unwanted advice to a colleague about such matters in my then role as self proclaimed baby sleep guru.

Fast forward to now. DD, terrible sleeper, I'm doing nothing different. She's different. Turns out I have no special skills, was just very lucky to have a good sleeper.

Your friend shouldn't have said anything, but like me, I'm sure she meant well.
If you want things to change with regards to baby's sleep then look into some sleep training but no you are not a mug. You are just a mum who wants some peace.

Noqontrol · 20/09/2012 13:52

Bit rude of her. I used to do that with both my dc. Tbh it reached a point where I just couldn't do it anymore, and I'd just put dc down in their cots and walk off. Amazingly they did self settle after a bit, but I needed to be in that place to do something about it. (aching arms and backache were a big factor). Dc were nearly a year old when I finally did this though and they are great sleepers now. Just do whats right for you, like we all do!!

EldritchCleavage · 20/09/2012 13:57

Think of it this way: if she has a dream baby, she actually has no expertise about getting babies to sleep at all. She is not even a novice, she is an ignoramus. So her opinion is of no value.

I have two (don't envy me, they act up in plenty of other ways) and would be the first to admit when it comes to settling to sleep advice I'm about as much use as a chocolate fireguard.

SushiPaws · 20/09/2012 14:00

Utter nonsense, I rocked, cuddled and gave both my babies all the love and support they needed to sleep.
Dd, didn't ever sleep properly and at 5 still struggles. Ds 3, lies down and goes to sleep by himself every night and sleeps for 11 hours.
Do what's best for you and ignore the know it alls who don't know you or your baby.

janelikesjam · 20/09/2012 14:02

Yes, she sounds rude "speaking her mind". Its hard to speak your mind back, when you know they are NOT having the experience you are having so they won't understand anyway! When I think of a good "comeback" I will post again!

I also dislike the RodforyourownBack brigade.

My son took 3-4 years before he would settle! Its just the way it was. He's fine now though

thursday · 20/09/2012 14:03

i would be loathe to still be doing that with a 7mo, but i wouldnt call you a mug or be smug about it. babies are different, and i know how much i want to punch people in the face when they say 'i wouldnt stand for it' etc about my child issues. i have easy sleepers so it's not something i've battled. i would say yes, its a perfectly good age to try and teach him to self settle because i think its best for everyone if they can, but calling you a mug and all that rod for your own back crap is plain rude.

DawnOfTheDee · 20/09/2012 14:06

Agree with other posters - do what's best for your baby.

I'd love to be able to rock my 7mo DD to sleep in my arms, I really miss it but she seems to prefer going to sleep by herself. When she gets tired and I'm holding her she'll start wriggling and crying till I put her down where she immediately stops crying and goes to sleep. Nothing to do with me - she is how she is. Just like your DS is how he is.

KellyElly · 20/09/2012 14:07

I did this until I bought The Baby Whisperer and used the sleep technique and it was a life saver. YANBU to do what's best for you and she IBU to comment in such a rude unhelpful way but I do know parents who have done this that have had children who can't self settle even into toddlerhood and beyond (especially when they wake at night), so it may be a good time to look for a technique to use.

aldiwhore · 20/09/2012 14:11

Grrrr on your behalf I'llHaveA I HATE these comments. If it works for you then its right for you.

I used to get the line "You're making a rod for your own back" all the time... well hey presto, the boys are 8 and 4 now, sleep brilliantly, take themselves to bed when tired sometimes, never need comforting in the night, aren't scared of the dark, read each other stories (I do take them to bed for a story mostly) and are perfectly content little blighters, thats despite cuddling them to sleep until they were nearly 2 yrs old. It worked for me, worked for them, it worked.

She's a mug for believing there's only one way to raise a child.

JeezyOrangePips · 20/09/2012 14:56

I was a mug in that case too.

I can tell you that they don't need rocking to sleep by the time they are teenagers.

In fact, I had very easy bedtimes with my kids compared to some people that complained that their kids would get up asking for drinks etc at pre-school/ primary school age. Despite being there for them at bedtimes till they were roughly a year or two.

Pay no attention and carry on!

Pancakeflipper · 20/09/2012 15:01

When our PFB's were babies my son would nap easily and my friend's daughter would need comfort and mummy stroking her back until she fell asleep which always took 20 mins before she fell asleep.

Our kids are now 7 and her daughter does not need any back stroking or any assistance in going to bed on a night. She's a great sleeper.

If you are happy with what you are doing - then do it your way.

KenLeeeeeee · 20/09/2012 15:18

She is BVVVVU. I hate the whole "you'll make a rod for your own back" shoite that gets trotted out if you dare to cuddle/feed/rock a baby to sleep.

FWIW, I've done that with all my kids as babies and the older ones have had no problems going to sleep happily since they were 1-ish. Yes it can be a PITA when they're tiny and each naptime is a bit of hard work, but it pays off (imo) in the long term.

Original poster

IllHaveAFlatWhitePlease · 20/09/2012 15:21

OK, FUCKED OFF NOW! DS just woke from a nap prematurely (think a motorbike outside woke him) and said 'you know, you really need to sort it out, for his sake' + cat's bum face!

Why does she think I need a lecture IN MY OWN FUCKING HOME!

OP posts:

messtins · 20/09/2012 15:26

Your baby. Your back. Your business. I imagine when he is 7 years old he will be a little heavy to carry and by then you'll have reached an alternative arrangement. Neither of my babies have slept as "the books" dictated, neither of them have been left to cry, both of them now sleep brilliantly.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 20/09/2012 15:33

She's a twat. I still like to cuddle DD to sleep at nap when i'm home. She is perfectly capable of going off on her own and does at childcare. I like it. I hate people who feel the need to pronounce on this.

bubalou · 20/09/2012 15:56

What she said was harsh and rude.

Everyone is different. I wasn't prepared to rock, stroke or cuddle DS to sleep as I didn't want him to grow dependent on this as I had seen happen (whilst working in a nursery). When he was very small I would obviously cuddle him to sleep as he slept most of the time! However when he got to 3 months + he went to sleep by himself.

DS is now 4 & is a great sleeper - I kiss him goodnight, lights out - completely dark no night light and close the door which is such a nice thing to have. I have so many friends who's children are now 6 etc and still get up in the night, refuse to go to sleep, sleep in their beds etc.

I don't know if I am just lucky which I know most people would like to believe or if this is down to the way he was put to sleep as a baby. I like to think I have actually done something right and would love all the credit

Joiningthegang · 20/09/2012 16:11

Might be an element of truth though - I started lying with mine until they were asleep - with dd until she was 5 and still doing it with ds age 6 and ds age 4 - I have literally wasted days and days of my life :(((((

Original poster

IllHaveAFlatWhitePlease · 20/09/2012 16:12

Latest gem: 'maybe he'd go to sleep more easily if you cut out one of his naps, most babies manage on just one or two, DD certainly did'

Tell me - is three naps (morning, lunch and a quick power nap mid afternoon) too much for a seven month old? I thought that was just right?

I'm convinced she's talking shite now!

OP posts:

Joiningthegang · 20/09/2012 16:12

And if you are so secure about your parenting why you asking on here - surely the response is - oh I don't think so - and carry on

nickeldaisical · 20/09/2012 16:15

bollocks, i agree with you.

DD is 9 months and she can't self-settle.
she can't even drop off to rocking anymore.
it's BF or no sleep.
doesn't matter how hard i try, if I try something else she gets more and more distressed because she's tired but can't understand.

I'd sooner her sleep and not get distressed by it.

Original poster

IllHaveAFlatWhitePlease · 20/09/2012 16:16

I'm not so secure Joining, not by any means! I said in my OP I was wondering if she might have a point

OP posts:

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