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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset and annoyed with DP

39 replies

bigsnugglebunny · 20/09/2012 08:00

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, or justified in this...

DP goes to a Whisky Club every other Wednesday. He's done this since before we met. They all meet and share two different bottles of unusual and rare whisky - because there's a few of them, they only have a couple of glasses each. So he usually gets home about 11.30pm, and is merry but never drunk.

Last night he came home, I have no idea what time - because I was asleep. But I woke up at 3am and he was staggering upstairs, drunk out of his mind - he came to bed and promptly fell asleep.

Today is my birthday. I got up with the children at 6am and have sat here with them by myself since then. He's still snoring upstairs. I've had no presents because he is "sorting" them and had obviously planned to give me them when we're all up.

DS1 has now left for school breakfast club, DS2's taxi gets here in about 20 minutes - so neither of them are going to be around when he finally pulls his arse out of bed.

He has a medical condition, which is made worse when he has a hangover - which pretty much means that I can write off today, because he will probably need to stay in bed.

Here's the bit where I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable - he doesn't do it often at all. He only goes out to whisky club, and it's only fortnightly. Out of those nights he maybe gets stupidly drunk twice, three times a year... So it's not as if he does it all the time.

I'm just sad and feeling crappy because I feel like he's ruined my day. But then there's the part of me that just thinks I'm a 34 year old woman, I need to pull myself together!

OP posts:
Pooka · 20/09/2012 08:04

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be miffed that out of 26 whiskey nights, he has chosen the one the night before your birthday to get ratarsed.

Was he supposed to be working today? What about that?

I go out with book club (women's drinking club) every month or so. Sometimes I drink, sometimes I don't. I don't when I know that the next day is not the best for feeling under par - like we're off on holiday/kids have stuff going on.

Bad timing.

Shodan · 20/09/2012 08:06

"he doesn't do it often at all. "

And you only have a birthday once a year. He's being selfish and thoughtless, imo, and you have every right to feel annoyed and upset.

If it weren't for the medical condition I'd be suggesting a nice early bath of freezing cold water for him, but I assume this isn't really on. Can you, instead, mentally shift your birthday to Saturday/Sunday? Then when he finally deigns to appear today, make your feelings known and say you'll be celebrating on that day instead so will be looking forward to being treated then? (accompanied by grim mouth and gimlet eye, of course)

And have some Happy Birthday Thanks from me, to be going on with.

Rubirosa · 20/09/2012 08:07

I wouldn't care if DP occasionally got drunk, but would be pretty pissed off if he did it the day before a special day to the point where he would stay in bed all day. Fine to be upset and annoyed!

NellyBluth · 20/09/2012 08:10

YANBU. Obviously its fine that he goes out and gets merry once a fortnight, that's not excessive - but the fact that he chose the night before your birthday to get steaming drunk for once is U!

I'd go out if I were you. Take a book, go in to town and have a leisurely coffee and cake, potter around the shops. Don't be in when he wakes up! Yes, if you like making a bit of a fuss of your birthday (nothing wrong with that) then its ok to feel he has made a mess of your day, but its your birthday, don't sit in and get wound up, go out and indulge yourself for a few hours. And give him an earful when he does wake up - though if he is suitably apologetic, don't let it ruin the whole day.

needsomesunshine · 20/09/2012 08:16

I think you should give it some time. You are obvs upset with him for the right reasons but try not to let it ruin your day. Do something yourself or with friends and see if he'll make it up to you when the kids get home. Could you afford a pamper day or shopping without him?

livvymc · 20/09/2012 08:17

Happy birthday and YANBU!! I agree with nelly, take yourself off for a few hours, do something you enjoy.

ENormaSnob · 20/09/2012 08:18

Yanbu

I would be pissed off too.

I have had many a ratarsed states but never before a big day and I've never ruined anyone's birthday.

picnicbasketcase · 20/09/2012 08:21

Happy birthday! Don't blame you at all for being cross, it was thoughtless of him to get legless the night before your birthday. I hope you have a lovely day once he's up and recovered, and that he does some serious apologising.

JeezyOrangePips · 20/09/2012 08:23

YANBU.

I don't care about birthdays. I don't give a hoot for gifts just because I'm getting older. And even I think he's an arse for doing this.

Whocansay · 20/09/2012 08:26

YANBU

I agree with everyone above. Take yourself out, get a massage / pedicure, go for a lovely lunch and treat yourself to something nice.

Leave the drunken mess to himself. He's a thoughtless arse. I would be upset too.

ENormaSnob · 20/09/2012 08:27

Happy birthday Thanks

maddening · 20/09/2012 08:32

Yanbu - especially if you both took the day off for your bday - do you think he stayed out later as he was off today?

bigsnugglebunny · 20/09/2012 09:30

He's self-employed, so usually gives himself every other Thursday off. So work isn't an issue.

I am going to go out, my mum and sister are coming at lunchtime so we're going to go out for lunch without him.

Just been in tears all morning, and feel so daft for being upset. He's just so thoughtless.

OP posts:
bigsnugglebunny · 20/09/2012 09:33

I found out why he was late up to bed - there's a new bottle of whisky down here with 1/3 missing. I didn't realise he'd bought a bottle.

OP posts:
GoldShip · 20/09/2012 09:34

YANBU!
The one night he chooses is before your birthday.

On another note, I actually could not be arsed with a bloody 'whiskey club'.

Tweasels · 20/09/2012 09:37

It is thoughtless but I bet when he wakes up and the old hangover paranoia sets in, he'll be very, very sheepish.

Make sure you leave some birthday evidence lying around to ensure he can't "forget" and go out and have a lovely day. When you get back I bet you'll get twice as many pressies out of guilt and embarrassment!

Happy Birthday

bogeyface · 20/09/2012 09:38

YANBU and he is being an arse.

And why the hell does man with a medical condition that he knows will be made worse by a hangover go to a bloody Whiskey Club?! Thats like a diabetic joining a cake club FFS!

Numberlock · 20/09/2012 09:42

Cut him some slack, yes his timing wasn't brilliant but if this only happens a couple of times a year, surely he can be forgiven? It's not as if it's a 'special' birthday (eg 30/40).

You've got a nice lunch with your sister and mum to look forward to and hopefully by this evening he'll have got his act together. See how the day pans out, it's too early to tell if it's a total write-off.

But as you say this: He's just so thoughtless I wonder if there are other occasions he's let you down?

bigsnugglebunny · 20/09/2012 09:48

he has his thoughtless moments, yes - but not often; and I've always assumed most blokes have their moments!

I'm sure he will feel terrible when he wakes up, I don't intend to make him feel worse - but I will let him know how hurt I feel.

OP posts:
tethersend · 20/09/2012 09:54

The fact that he doesn't do this often actually makes this worse IMO.

GoldPedanticPanda · 20/09/2012 09:54

Yanbu, he knew it was your birthday today, he could have got rat arsed last time or next time, not when he knew it was a special day today.

Happy birthday Wine Thanks

KenLeeeeeee · 20/09/2012 09:57

YANBU, and happy birthday Thanks

I agree that he's being an arse because the one night he picked to get totally lampshaded was the night before your birthday, knowing how badly hangovers affect him and that it would effectively write the entire day off. Not ok, not considerate at all.

Hope you have fun with your mum & sister instead.

HellonHeels · 20/09/2012 10:04

Are you saying that after going to whisky club he's come home and drunk a further third of a bottle of whisky?

That is a very large amount of spirits to knock back after an evening of whisky drinking. I'm no expert but to me that level of drinking points to a drinking problem.

YANBU. Really sorry you've had a bad start to your birthday. Happy Birthday from me and hope you enjoy your outing with your mum and sister.

Numberlock · 20/09/2012 10:14

Prior to last night's session, what had you planned to do together with your husband for your birthday?

aldiwhore · 20/09/2012 11:51

YANBU.

He isn't U either really, just stupid! Wink Make him pay!