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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... To not want to make it up with MIL?

29 replies

simplesimone · 18/09/2012 21:36

My elderly MIL (she's 88) had a real verbal go at me earlier this year, hit me (as hard as someone that age could) and said she never wanted to see me again. I know she was under some stress at the time because FIL was poorly but I was taking lots of time off work to help them out as there is no one else apart from me and DH.
Thing is, I don't really mind not seeing her, never really liked her, I think she's stupid and stuck-up has some rather disgusting habits and it means that PIL no longer come over every Sunday so I can cook them lunch. So far, so good, from my point of view.

After over 6 months of continued slagging me off to my DH, she's suddenly talking about saying sorry - I wonder if it's because she can see Christmas looming and they want to spend it with us and the children? She hasn't apologised to me direct and, despite her age, isn't senile. Should I accept an apology and invite PIL round again for DH's sake?

OP posts:

SirGOLDBoobs · 18/09/2012 21:38

I'd ask her why she hasn't apologised, tell her how much she upset you and that you're not prepared for things to just go back to normal without discussing things.

DoingTheBestICan · 18/09/2012 21:40

Hmm tough one,I would like to think she is genuinely sorry as at her age she probably doesn't want to pass away with bad feelings,on the otherhand you could be right and she is just thinking ahead to Christmas.

If it were me I would probably accept the halfhearted apology just to keep dh happy.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/09/2012 21:43

I would not allow things to go back to the way they were before. She hit you. for me that would be the end of any kind of relationship with her.

I certainly don't think you should be spending Christmas with her, whether she apologises or not. She doesn't like you, you don't like her and she's spent the last six months slagging you off.

Just because you are married to her son, it doesn't follow that you must have a relationship with her and tolerate her shit.

You are happy with how things are now, so keep it that way. There's no way I'd go back to cooking her lunch every Sunday

wannabedomesticgoddess · 18/09/2012 21:47

She assaulted you physically and verbally. Her age is not an excuse.

Its entirely up to you what you do. You wouldnt BU to not make up, especially if you dont receive a direct apology.

Families are always a grey area though.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 18/09/2012 21:48

She assaulted you physically and verbally. Her age is not an excuse.

Its entirely up to you what you do. You wouldnt BU to not make up, especially if you dont receive a direct apology.

Families are always a grey area though.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 18/09/2012 21:49

She got stressed and hit you?

You can't have her near your children - might be one of them next.

I wouldn't forgive until you've had an explanation and an apology.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 18/09/2012 21:52

You could accept an apology for your DHs sake if you think it means that much to him, but you are not obliged to.

Could you get the best of both worlds and accept an apology, agree to see her ocassionally, but not invite them round for Christmas?

NervousAt20 · 18/09/2012 21:57

YANBU she hit you and has been bad mouthing you for the last 6 months do I don't believe for 1 minute that she's sorry, I wouldn't forgive that type of behavior and I would not invite them round for Christmas, why should you? So she can do what she wants and still get what she wants and you have to take her abuse and then let it ruin your Christmas, no way

GoldShip · 18/09/2012 22:03

I wouldn't. If she hasn't had the decency to apologise to you properly then she can fuck right off

HissyByName · 18/09/2012 22:05

I'd not invite someone, ANYone that had hit me to ffing Christmas!

If this were anyone else OP, you wouldn't be here asking, you'd know that you wouldn't have them in your house.

What is your H saying about all this? I'd be inclined, even if you DO end up making up with her, that you do so AFTER christmas. Make a point.

FWIW, I'd never have her darken my door again, and if it were MY mother with MY OH, I'd not welcome her back anytime soon.

Serenitysutton · 18/09/2012 22:08

Nah, tell her to do one. Nasty old trout.

pickofthepops · 18/09/2012 22:09

What does your DH think?

Katisha · 18/09/2012 22:09

Why did she hit you?

MollyMurphy · 18/09/2012 22:09

She HIT you....WTF?! Who does that?

Still, they are your DH's ageing parents. I would insist on an apology and I would agree to see her if she can be civil (though I would see less of her TBH). I wouldn't go out of my way to see her every single Sunday and maybe see them Boxing day instead of Christmas so its not ruining your holidays.

purplehouse · 18/09/2012 22:11

I might agree to a reconciliation of sorts but there is no way I would cook her Sunday dinners any more. I think the every Sunday issue is actually a bigger issue than Christmas actually because it is so frequent.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 18/09/2012 22:29

What does your DH think? Does he want you to forgive and forget, or is he not bothered by the lack of involvement with his parents?
I'd not have spoken to her ever again if she hit me, and quite possibly would have hit her back too - who on earth does she think she is? It'd serve her right if you and your DH never spoke to her again. Great age means longer to learn good manners and how to behave, it's not an excuse to abuse people with impugnity.

WelshMaenad · 18/09/2012 23:05

If either of my parents hit DH, I would never speak to them again, let alone him. YANBU to never want to see her again.

She hit you. She hit you and your DH still makes nice with her? What the fuck?

Original poster

simplesimone · 18/09/2012 23:42

Well, I think the vote is overwhelmingly AGAINST a family Christmas - phew !

DH thinks that she is a horrid old bat, but loves his dad and feels sorry for them both as they are so old (although I expect MIL to go on for at least another 20 years).

Maybe i'll suggest Boxing Day, if forced, but that's probably because I'm a wimpy people-pleaser...

OP posts:

Socknickingpixie · 18/09/2012 23:42

yanbu but if your choice impacts on your dh's ability to make a choice to have contact with her away from you then you may need to think about the suituation

Inertia · 18/09/2012 23:54

If you do decide to take steps towards a reconciliation, I would insist on meeting in public places only given her previous violence.

ENormaSnob · 19/09/2012 08:24

I wouldn't speak to her ever again.

And I wouldn't have her near my kids.

Age is no excuse.

EdgarAllanPond · 19/09/2012 08:28

YANBU

when someone hits you, they lose the right to be welcome in your house.

diddl · 19/09/2012 08:31

I´d make sure that the children & I never saw her again.

I´d happily let husband spend CD there as well tbh-especially if close enough for him to pop over for a couple of hours.

No way would I have her in the house & cook for her!

Maryz · 19/09/2012 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

panicnotanymore · 19/09/2012 08:36

There is no way I'd invite her for xmas day, or boxing day, or ever in fact. Lunch in a pub, maybe, but I'd not put myself out and cook for her.

I don't think she's sorry either.

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