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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to feel torn and conflicted about working full time?

33 replies

louloutheshamed · 18/09/2012 17:39

I was havin a chat with a male colleague at the photocopier. We have ds of a similar age (20m). He tilted his head and said in a patronising, pathetic tone 'do you not sometimes feel guilty about not spending enough time with your ds because you work full time?" Wibu to have wanted to punch him in the face? Why couldn't he see that a father working full time would never be asked such a question. He followed it by saying "because Julie (a friend of mine from another dept) manages part time you know"! I'm
Not at all sure how this was relevant.

It is so frustrating that men with young kids are seen as grounded and reliable whereas women are seen as torn and conflicted and guilt ridden, but I didn't know how to respond without comin across as a defensive, humourless harpy. I am totally happy with my choice and do not feel as though I should have to justify it, so what should I have said to him?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 18/09/2012 17:42

"I am totally happy with my choice and do not feel as though I should have to justify it"

That ^^

Peeenut · 18/09/2012 17:42

YANBU

You could reply "in the same way all the Fathers do".

anastaisia · 18/09/2012 17:43

Asked him if that's how he feels about it? If you both have children of a similar age it's not impossible that maybe he'd like to be home more. And if it wasn't that at least it would have pointed out to him the things you've just said about how not all parents feel that way as he doesn't...

nightowlmostly · 18/09/2012 19:21

I'm going back full time in the new year, and I'm anticipating comments like this. I'm trying to find an appropriate response, not too arsey but just arsey enough to shut them up! It pisses me off so much that there are still such double standards. YANBU.

crackcrackcrak · 18/09/2012 19:22

Yanbu. The whole mothers working debate is irrelevant - the comment he made was bloody sexist.

N0tinmylife · 18/09/2012 19:22

Did you ask him, why, is that how you feel??

wordfactory · 18/09/2012 19:23

Send it right back at him.
Ask him if he feels torn and conflicted, as a parent.

CaptainVonTrapp · 18/09/2012 19:44

"No, why do you?" Said very sympathetically.

aldiwhore · 18/09/2012 19:50

It may have been an innocent question, I sometimes felt guilty when I worked full time (but mostly I didn't, at all!).

DuelingFanjo · 18/09/2012 19:54

A gentle squeeze on his arm and a 'oh you poor thing, do you find it hard?' would be my response, if I had my wits a out me.

frazzled09 · 18/09/2012 20:13

I have just gone full time after a while of being part time. Colleagues of both gender keep asking "oh, how are you FEELING about being full time", head tilted in a pseudo sympathetic oh-you-poor-woman-having to-work sort of way. Grrr. I have never seen anyone ever ask a man, after 2 weeks paternity leave, the same question.

OttillieRidiculous · 18/09/2012 20:19

Maybe he was feeling guilty; did you ask him?

Joiningthegang · 18/09/2012 20:32

When i had a 20 month old and worked full time i dont recall feeling guilty either - although sometimes on here you would think you were abusing your children by working and leavin them well looked after as you see fit.

BsshBossh · 18/09/2012 20:42

I worked FT from when my DD was 10 months old and never felt torn, conflicted or guilty. I'm a SAHM now, even though she's just started FT school and I'm still not torn, conflicted or guilty. I make my choices after considered thought and am happy with them. I simply don't care what others think or say.

Yama · 18/09/2012 20:45

Desist talking to such thickos.

Squeegle · 18/09/2012 20:49

When I started back full time a male colleague said to me in jest "yeah, you're here because you hate your children".

I didn't retort with anything clever, but it really upset me; I wondered if that was what everyone secretly thought.

Iggly · 18/09/2012 20:52

I feel guilty working any amount of time.

Maybe he feels guilty? Maybe his wife feels guilty?

Why so defensive?

Bobyan · 18/09/2012 21:00

"yes I feel so guilty for providing a financial stable enjoyable life for my children".
Then give the idiot a slap.

Chubfuddler · 18/09/2012 21:05

The implication is clear igly that this man expects the op to feel guilty and conflicted. There is no hint that his tone conveyed that he might feel that way. Just that he expected a woman to.

I get angry and defensive about casual sexism because it makes women's lives harder. I don't see any problem with being angry or defensive.

I was asked by a partner in tones of incredulity whether I could bear to work when my children were so small. I asked him how he had borne it when his children were small. I could practically see the gears shifting in his brain.

FamiliesShareGerms · 18/09/2012 21:08

YANBU. If he's so thick he needs his double standards spelling out to him, well, spell it out

Proudnscary · 18/09/2012 21:09

Next time say: 'Fuck no! I hate being stuck at home with the noisy bastards!'

maybenow · 18/09/2012 21:10

why not ask him if he feels torn and conflicted working full time?

if he seems surprised that you would ask then you can say 'same for me' - this kind of sexism is not meant to be as belittling as it is, he probably thought he was being thoughful. we need to point out the weirdness and double standards of it but without necessarily stringing perpetrators up by the balls at the first offence

Proudnscary · 18/09/2012 21:10

I work FT and no-one's ever asked me this in real life, ever. I am tres happy with my choice and I guess I know lots of nice, reasonable people who mind their own business.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 18/09/2012 21:10

A short answer : "and you?"

TroublesomeEx · 18/09/2012 21:12

I'd have said "No. Why is that how you feel?"

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