Not to feel torn and conflicted about working full time?

[louloutheshamed]

I was havin a chat with a male colleague at the photocopier. We have ds of a similar age (20m). He tilted his head and said in a patronising, pathetic tone 'do you not sometimes feel guilty about not spending enough time with your ds because you work full time?" Wibu to have wanted to punch him in the face? Why couldn't he see that a father working full time would never be asked such a question. He followed it by saying "because Julie (a friend of mine from another dept) manages part time you know"! I'm
Not at all sure how this was relevant.

It is so frustrating that men with young kids are seen as grounded and reliable whereas women are seen as torn and conflicted and guilt ridden, but I didn't know how to respond without comin across as a defensive, humourless harpy. I am totally happy with my choice and do not feel as though I should have to justify it, so what should I have said to him?

Blimey, after 16 years of being a working parent and going back when the boys were a couple if months old no one has even hinted at anything like that.

People have said much the same & look a bit startled when I tell them I'm v happy to be back at work,that ds loves nursery & I think it's important for children to see that women have careers too.

Twenty years ago I went back to work full time after having DD1. The company was offering French lessons on the evening so I went along one night a week.

We shared all child care tasks so there was no issue about my husband caring for our daughter by himself on those nights.

The class decided it would go and see a French film and before I could say 'great idea' one of them men turned to me and said 'I'm assuming you won't want to come because of your baby'. I remember making some retort but I was fuming, especially at the smirk on the face of a very competitive colleague.

The man who made the comment actually had four children of his own but he didn't see them as his wife had kicked him out...

It's a bit sad that the same attitudes are still prevailing 20 years on. I thought he was out of date even then.

"Do you?" Tilt head sympathetically.

Or, kick him in the nads. Either way works.

My reply would have been "Well, do YOU?"

Great minds, Couthy

My husband feels very conflicted about working full time. I work 3 days a week. I have offed to go to 4 and he go down to 4 but he's concerned that no men work part time in his office so not sure how it would be seen. There are several women in my office who work part time so it is accepted.

I feel very sorry for him.

(Ironically my career is far more "serious" than his.)

My mil suggested as a solution to a (minor) logistical issue with childcare when I go back in a few weeks that perhaps I'd like to give up my job, which I must be feeling guilty about contemplating a return to although maybe I "just wasn't very maternal" .

This would be the job that I trained hard for, love doing, and is, in fact, the very same job at the very same pay grade as the one my partner, her son, happens to have.

She did not remark on the guilt he must be feeling or suggest he gave up his job....I think I'll probably hang on to the one we need me to go back to if we're going continue living in a house and eating and that kind of thing....