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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD excluded from a party

78 replies

shinny · 18/09/2012 13:59

My DD came back from school to say shes not been invited to a birthday party. Shes not too fussed as not keen on the birthday girl. BUT I think it stems from mum. Several months ago DD had a small party/sleepover with a few friends but not this child. Her mum sent me several aggressive texts saying her DD was crying, why was she excluded, what had she done to my DD etc etc. i explained it was a small party & I was sorry her DD was upset. She then says that my DD swore the invitees to secrecy about party. I questioned my DD and she had only told the non-invited one's BF not to mention it to avoid her being upset. Not a diplomatic course of action and i told her honesty is best policy in future etc etc.

Anyway, the mum started to blank my DD (DD told me about this even tho Id not told her about the texts) but was ok with me.

Now I feel she has done exactly what she accused me of by both excluding my DD AND swearing everyone to secrecy as some of the girls in the class asked if my DD had been invited and she dramatically said DONT TELL HER.

I am upset as this is exactly what I was accused of and it wasn't true! My DD only invited the girls she is close to and knew very well, this kid isn't one of them.

So, do i just leave it and act normally or do I use it as an opportunity to explain to DD just how you shouldn't act or do I confront the parent and advise her that she has just committed the crime she accused me of ?

OP posts:
WelshMaenad · 18/09/2012 17:25

Newsflash - Two girls who are not friends do not attend each other's birthday parties!

I may alert the major broadsheets.

Original poster
shinny · 18/09/2012 18:14

Thanks so much! I know I am being a bit precious....I wrote it when I was feeling upset on behalf of my DD. Who doesn't want their kids included? I sure dont want them excluded cos of some petty issues! I just object to everyone else other than my DD being invited. But as my DD is ok about it then Im agree I need to be ok about it too. Much as I love the idea of having a word (and reporting back later) I will take your advice and leave it.

Thanks for the replies and support. I am not a wierd playground mum either honest.

OP posts:
JamieandTheMagicTorch · 18/09/2012 18:16

This is why I never had parties for my DSs in Primary school. It's a bloody minefield.

Viviennemary · 18/09/2012 18:21

Can't see the problem myself. It is a bit silly for an adult to blank a child. But on the subject of invites. If her DD wasn't invited to your DD's party and was upset then you can hardly expect your DD to be invited to her party.

mrsscoob · 18/09/2012 18:22

Is it an all class party that this girl is having and your DD is the only one that isn't invited? As in that case I would feel you had a point.

SoupDragon · 18/09/2012 18:23

Who doesn't want their kids included?

You weren't bothered about excluding the other child. This is no different.

Original poster
shinny · 18/09/2012 18:38

It is different cos I didn't do an all class party! She is.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 18/09/2012 18:48

Is your dd the only one not to be invited to an all class arty, that is bad if it is. How do you know she is te only one not invited. If you d is not bothered leave it be

SoupDragon · 18/09/2012 21:45

Drip feed.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 18/09/2012 21:52

oh well, if everyone else is invited then that is a bit shit. but hey ho, that's life, sometimes we do things that upset other people, and they try to upset us back.

it was interesting, though, that you stuck to your guns when the mum texted you about her dd, i think. i mean of course you were well within your rights to invite who you liked, and the woman should have accepted that, but knowing that a wee girl was upset and not changing your mind about it takes some chops. i don't know what i would have done there, tbh. (so tooootally not saying you did anything wrong).

Hulababy · 18/09/2012 21:54

If your DD has been excluded from a whole class party and the only one left out then the mum is definitely being very unreasonable. Nasty thing to do to a young child.

But be the bigger person if that is the case - take your DD out for a fab treat on the same day so that when school resumes following the party she has something fun to talk about to.

AnnaLiza · 18/09/2012 21:57

Similar (but worse) happened to me. DS got invited to a party verbally by his friend. Then I had a few issues with this boys' mum. A couple of weeks later DS' friend tells him that he's decided to invite someone else to his party as numbers are limited. DS was mortified because he did not fight with his friend at all so can only be because if me not getting on with his mum.
I would like to smash her face, the stupid cow but CLEARLY I can't confront her about it and neither should you.
HTH

Leena49 · 19/09/2012 05:24

I think people are being too hard on you here. We all feel crap if our kids are excluded. My dd came home few months ago and said my friend hasn't invited me to her party I asked why and she said cos her mummy won't let me come. So my dd was crying.
But..I have just invited her dd to my dds party cos i wont use kids as a weapon and I got a lovely card and text off the mum. You have to mend the situation if you don't want a fall out or you have to just accept it.

3duracellbunnies · 19/09/2012 06:18

It sounds as if the mother is deliberately being difficult. If you can afford the time/money then I would take your dd out for an exciting day, theme park, day trip to big city etc, whatever is 'cool' to a child of her age in your area. Then if the topic is raised again she can just say 'that's fine, I couldn't come anyway because I am going to x'. I wouldn't bother to talk to the mother, then it will show that her plan worked, if she raises it then just say 'oh well they aren't particularly good friends anyway'.

I'm guessing if she is old enough to have sleepovers but young enough for whole class parties she is probably yr 2-4/5; I'm just navigating my way through those years with dd1. I've heard it can get a bit bitchy, it probably won't be the last time you have this sort of issue, but it sounds as if your dd is fairly laid back about it all which is good.

exoticfruits · 19/09/2012 06:42

If people are being deliberately difficult the best thing is to totally ignore them - as your DD is by not being bothered - just take your lead from her and keep right out of it.

a1253 · 19/09/2012 07:00

The apple doesn't fall far from the three.

So, what do you want your dd to know once she grows up?

Jusfloatingby · 19/09/2012 10:56

Okay I didn't realise the other mother had invited the entire class except your daughter. If that is the case she is a total disgrace who is not mature enough to be raising a child.
I would just be glad that your daughter is not upset and would completely ignore the other woman who really needs to grow up a bit and get a life.

Pandemoniaa · 19/09/2012 12:19

I do wish people wouldn't drip feed. Especially when the pertinent fact is so sodding pertinent. So now, with the essential information about this being an all-class party that the OP's dd has been excluded from, my original views are slightly modified.

Because while there's no entitlement for a child to attend any party, the behaviour of the other mother has gone beyond a simple tit for tat payback and into really very malicious behaviour. Which is particularly nasty when directed at a child.

catwoo · 19/09/2012 12:32

I think if there is a well-defined friendship group' , then to exclude just one girl from the 'set' is not on, and quite a pointed snub
The trouble is that friendship groups are often not that clearly defined and one girl thinks she's 'in' the group and the party girl doesn't.

kerala · 19/09/2012 12:54

Last year I invited half the girls in the class and it was lovely but I felt rather guilty about excluding the other half as I helped in class and one said she would have loved to have come to the party. So this year I invited all the girls. NEVER AGAIN. Sorry some children are just going to have to learn they cant be invited to everything I have my sanity to consider.

Pandemoniaa · 19/09/2012 13:34

But the point about this party, Kerala is that it is an all-class party. This means you invite the whole class. Like all of them. It's not a question of children having to learn they can't be invited to everything. Although this simple fact seems yet to be recognised by the mother of the party child who failed to understand that a small sleepover meant exactly that.

So in this case, it is a nasty piece of payback. Not a question of entitlement.

sidress · 19/09/2012 13:52

Totally out of order and pathetic. Take no notice.

catwoo · 19/09/2012 18:24

It is really adult-sponsored bullying to exclude 1 child from a party.
What sort of adult feels the need to bully a child.

holyfishnets · 19/09/2012 19:40

I think you should take a step back and be the grown up. The parent has done what your daughter did - invited only friends. Your DD is not one of her friends. Yes maybe most of the class is invited but I'm sure if you ask around you will find other boys or girls not attending. It's not a big deal.

FatFaced · 19/09/2012 20:24

Are you 12.