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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be in tears

40 replies

GoldShip · 18/09/2012 12:36

And blocked this person off Facebook

Background: my friend tried to hang himself last year. He was found and taken to the hospital. He was resuscitated. He had a serious lack of oxygen, and is now brain damaged. He has no quality of life, needs around the clock care. I went seeing him once and I can't go back. He didn't want to live when he was a healthy young lad, he certainly wouldn't want to live now.
I haven't gone back because I just can't cope seeing him like this.

However a few people I know have been visiting him and took loads of photos of them and him. They've plastered them all over Facebook. He doesn't even realise any of them are even there. I just burst into tears. He shouldn't be like that. I'm so angry and sad for him.

I've blocked all the people because I don't want to see these photos. Now I've had messages off others saying why have you blocked so and so. Its out of order.

Am I?

OP posts:
SoleSource · 18/09/2012 12:38

Depends how his family feel. But yanbu to be in tears because it reminds you about your dear friend and you have concerns about their actions on,FB. X

LemonBreeland · 18/09/2012 12:38

YANBU. It is perfectly understandable to feel sad about seeing someone you cared about living like that. I'm a bit Hmm about them posting pics of him on Facebook too.

WorraLiberty · 18/09/2012 12:39

If you don't want to see the photos, just block the images. You can do this in your settings.

aldiwhore · 18/09/2012 12:40

No you are not out of order. If your friend cannot give permission to have photos of himself published on the internet, then his friends should respect that and not post them.

You may be a little unreasonable for not ever visiting him, even though I understand your reasons.

There's unreasonableness all round I think.

Numberlock · 18/09/2012 12:41

Not at all, you are entitled to deal with your grief about the situation in the way you see fit. As are your friends.

It would distress me also to see these photos. Could you explain that is the reason you have blocked these people, that it's nothing personal but you just don't want to see their photos?

What a sad situation, I'm so sorry for you and your friend.

imnotmymum · 18/09/2012 12:41

I do not do FB so bear with me. How are these photos posted with pleasant remarks like "been to see x.." or something different. And should the person in the photo give permission or can you just post anything.

QuangleWangleQuee · 18/09/2012 12:41

Maybe he enjoys seeing them though, so it is nice of them to visit. Maybe they are doing it because he is their friend and they don't want him to be hidden away and forgotten about?

QuangleWangleQuee · 18/09/2012 12:42

Maybe they think it will encourage his friends to visit which he might get some enjoyment from?

Original poster
GoldShip · 18/09/2012 12:44

I've explained why. Just got messages like 'you're a tight bitch how could you' etc

They're just posted imnotmymum with either no titles or 'me and '

I mean it's up to them what they post. I dont agree with it because my friend would NOT have wanted them at all.

But now I'm getting shit for blocking them.

worra I didn't know I could do that, nice one x

OP posts:
HecateHarshPants · 18/09/2012 12:45

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset that your friend has suffered a life changing injury and how that happened, of course you're not.

I don't know. Clearly there's a consent issue, but if he's their friend and they visit him and spend time with him, I'm assuming their motivations are good. Why have they got photos of him? Because he is their friend and they love him and he's a part of their life like any other friend they have photos of? Or for some other reason?

Would he object to photos of him on facebook, do you think?

So often when someone suffers a really bad injury, people distance themselves, which is really sad, so there is a positive in that his friends (including you) are still making him part of their lives.

Is it that you feel the photos are somehow exploitative or something? What has upset you about the photos? A reminder of what happened and how it's affected him?

Are you saying that they have said it's out of order for you to block them, or are you saying that you've blocked them cos they're out of order?

TroublesomeEx · 18/09/2012 12:45

Sorry to hear about your friend.

He didn't want to live when he was a healthy young lad, he certainly wouldn't want to live now. Sad

JodieHarsh · 18/09/2012 12:45

Anyone who would use the phrase 'you're a tight bitch' under any circumstances save filthy sex talk is beneath your contempt.

I am so sorry for your friend. Do try and visit though. Hard, but harder for him, and for his family.

Original poster
GoldShip · 18/09/2012 12:46

quangle Im glad they're visiting him. I dont know if he gets any enjoyment though because he can't communicate or move. I hope he does. I just don't want to see the photos. It isn't going to encourage anyone. It's more like a 'look at me I've been visiting him'. They did it the other day with a mate who's died, took photos of themselves at the grave stone and put them on Facebook.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldShip · 18/09/2012 12:47

I should try and visit, anyone who has said that is completely right. I just disagree with him being left to live like that. Machines keeping him alive, for other people's benefit not his own.

OP posts:
HecateHarshPants · 18/09/2012 12:47

x-post, if he wouldn't have wanted it, then they shouldn't be doing it. They should think about what he would want.

But you didn't need to block them, you could have opted to not see the photos.

But I understand that the whole idea of them taking the photos and sharing them has upset you.

Original poster
GoldShip · 18/09/2012 12:48

Sorry I didn't make it clear, apparently I'm out of order for blocking them

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldShip · 18/09/2012 12:48

I honestly didn't know I could block photos. There's so many and different people tagged in them so I just got DP to do it for me.

OP posts:
Gumby · 18/09/2012 12:48

You're upset because you're grieving how your friend used to be

You may also be feeling guilty that his other friends still visit him & you can't bring yourself to Sad

HecateHarshPants · 18/09/2012 12:48

No, you're not. You have the right to block someone off facebook if you want to and for any reason you choose. They may not agree with your decision, but you're not 'out of order' for making it.

Gumby · 18/09/2012 12:49

I wouldn't block them tbh
It might be your only way of finding out how he is

Birdsgottafly · 18/09/2012 12:49

Have you had conformation that he doesn't know people are visiting him?

Even in severe cases of brain damage, an improvement over time can happen, so he may be different now than how he was straight after the accident.

I have worked with all categories of people who are disabled and they all benefit from having new people come to see them, even if they don't recognise them as friends.

There is no harm in you blocking the images,if you cannot work through your sadness over what has happened to your friend.

Don't feel any resentment towards those that are making sure that he is getting good care, though. Those without family or friends visiting are the one's who often get sub standard care when staffing/budgets levels are down.

Original poster
GoldShip · 18/09/2012 12:50

Thankyou everyone, it's much appreciated.

I reall don't want to see like I'm burying my head in the sand with my friend, by not visiting him. I should go, I will go.

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 18/09/2012 12:51

That was me Goldship and I'm sorry if it sounded harsh.

I do think there's a lot of 'look at me I'm a great grieving friend' on Facebook... it would not occur to me to photo myself at my friend's grave and post it. It is distasteful. Though I don't have an issue with my friends who post pictures of their children's graves. Its a personal issue.

Some people get things so wrong, but I try and hesitate before getting angry. I think hiding/blocking the photos rather than the people is a way to go, grief is a tricksy thing. x

Original poster
GoldShip · 18/09/2012 12:52

birds when I went I having liking to(at) him and started crying. I said something like 'oh bet you think I'm daft' and was told that he wouldn't know what I'm saying anyway.

It's not because of the way he is that bothers me. I'm a carer, have worked in a hospice so Im comfortable around people who are in his posistion. But this is my friend. And he shouldn't be like that. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldShip · 18/09/2012 12:52

Having liking should be talking*

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