Am I depriving my mil

[addictedtotoast]

My nan and mother have a very strained relationship. Basically my nan looked after me from 2 weeks old while mother went back to work. 32 years on my mother is insanely jealous of my relationship with my nan. They do not talk and I have been caught between them my whole life.

I now have a son, who is 7 months old, and I am planning to return to work. My mil wants to look after him full time but every bone in my body screams no because of my own experiences.

Aibu to say no to my mil and put my son into nursey because of my past? Or am I punishing my mil for my mother's mistake?

i would never use gp's for childcare ever because of the whole suituation.

i find it very hard to work with the 'spoiling' attitude on a day to day basis and often they tend to think they know best.also its a bit of a minefield when care is free.

so i would say yanbu

If you think your MIL is great, and it was me, I would initially send your DS to MILs until he was between 18 months and 2 years and after that split his time between nursery and MILs, gradually building up to nursery only at the age of 4 and arranging with MIL to have a permanent babysitting night (Friday for example) every week when she has no daycare duties.

Mothers/Grandmothers/Daughters are a different kettle of fish. My mum was similarly jealous of my relationship with my grandmother (who passed away many years ago sadly) and has often tried to be be closer to my DD than I am (DD sees through her though).

If your MIL is great and a willing and able carer, by all means let her have him, certainly in the early days.

That's only my opinion though.

YANBU, gp's caring for children creates all sorts of difficulties - you won't get much of a say about how he is cared for because they are essentially doing you a favour.

However, it very much depends what your options are and what is best for your son - IMHO I think a 7 month old would be better with a gp than in a nursery setting for instance. Depending on the gp of course.

Maybe a compromise of a couple of days with gm and a couple in paid for childcare?

That depends - do you plan on becoming "insanely jealous" of a close relationship between your MIL and your DS, given that (if you also return to work full-time) she will be his primary carer Monday to Friday?
Personally, I would have thought it has far more to do with your MIL's fitness to look after a small child versus the de/merits of a nursery? Assuming she is young and fit enough to do so, to enjoy it and make it enjoyable for your DS I would have thought you are mad not to seriously consider it especially while your DS is so young.
Ultimately, in choosing to go back to work (especially full-time) you have to recognise that you are asking someone else to spend more of their time with your son than you will be doing. This will be hard for you, make no mistake but surely it is far better for your child to have a loving, consistent and able carer whom he will love as much as you (that's what it will feel like in the early days anyway).

I would talk to your MIL, explain the past and how it has affected your relationships. Perhaps a compromise that she can collect your child from nursery some days and have him, and once he starts school then you can maybe sort it so that she has him during the holidays.

i find it very hard to work with the 'spoiling' attitude on a day to day basis and often they tend to think they know best.

No. They don't all spoil or think they know best! (Sighs at yet another tiresome generalisation about MILS!!)

I think, OP that you need to separate the history of problems between your mother and grandmother from whether you'd prefer your ds to be looked after by your mil or cared for at a nursery.

It's fair to say that you would need to set some ground rules about availability (and in particular what happens if your mil is ill, on holiday or can't care for your ds for whatever other reason and whether your mil wants to be paid for this arrangement. Will your MIL be happy to go along with your preferences for things like managing behaviour and feeding and is she happy for you to state these preferences as well as observe them?

Only it can be difficult using family for childcare for precisely these reasons whereas you'd expect to have a businesslike relationship with a nursery. But only you know your MIL.

I wouldn't, my mum and I get on very well, she's specialised in care of pre schoolers her whole professional life and she looks after my dd while I work full time. Even with that level of trust it is hard work knowing she has total control over 40 hours a week of my dd's life and when we do disagree, which isn't often, it is very difficult and I always back down because I'd be totally stuck if she suddenly decided she didn't want to look after dd.

Also, looking after a baby is exhausting at a mum's age, by the time your a generation above the physical toll is hard, my mum hurt her back and I had a terrible time finding temporary care for dd while she recovered.

My mum was also very jealous of my relationship with my grandmother, which arose because I spent all my school holidays staying with her. But the fact is that my nan was one of the most amazing people, she was a fantastic influence on me, and I was more devastated by her death than by my dad's (and probably will be by my mum's). None of this was down to her spoiling me, in fact she was far more old fashioned about discipline and values.
If my mum and I didn't have such a shit relationship, she would have been able to take a step back and be grateful for the brilliant relationship I had with her mother, and probably glad for the 'third parent' being there, to ease the strain on her when my dad was being useless.
If you are confident in your parenting abilities, it should be fine. Problems will arise if you feel that she'll make a better 'parent' than you. In which case, steer well clear. But it can be the most amazing relationship for a child to have.

Agree that if you think your MIL is a safe person to leave your child with (sure she is) then the ideal would be one or 2 days with her and the other days with a childminder or a nursery.

My concern about a grandparent caring full time would be how tired they would get and how much time the child would spend with other children their own age. Eg would your MIL take your child to toddler groups?

These are all really helpful points. I had not really considered the other things involved with family childcare. My mil was a health visitor and we have had problems with her taking over in the past. Refusing to give screaming baby back as an example.

could you split the days between your MIL and a nursery so she is seeing and looking after her grandchild but not full time, I personally think it could be a strain on grandparents to take on a fulltime looking after children I know loads do it fine but sometimes resentment can build and it is resticting for GP they need a break imo
, would you feel jealous of your baby bonded with granny ? Like you did with your nan ?

I have just read you have had issues in the past put your baby to nursery or a childminder then there will be no "I used to be a health visitor you know"

Good question mrs jay...... Yes I would be jealous if my child had a stronger bond with my mil than with me.

I think that it all depends on how you think your MIL will be, will she take your views and wants on board or will she want to do things her own way. Both my MIL and mother would love to think that my DSs love them more than me - I have had them both make comments like, "Grandchild X didn't want to go home today they love being with me, I feel bad for DD/DIL (DSiS/ SIL) that their DC prefers me" with a smug grin. So I only occasionally had them to babysit.

When it comes to childcare I think it is important to trust your instinct, my MIL didn't offer but if she had I would not have wanted her to look after DS full-time because knowing myself as I do I would have been jealous, and despite what a good job she did with DH, there are naturally things that I would approach very differently to her, and I think it could unnecessarily strain relations. I would feel pretty similar about my Mum as well.

How would you feel about her doing a couple of days a week spilt with nursery or childminder? It can be nice knowing that they are with family at least some of the time, which is not to say that full-time nursery/ childminder is a bad thing is a bad thing, DS really enjoys it.

pandemonia i made it very clear with BOTH the sentances i wrote that i find it hard, do you think i know all grandparents in the world or do you reckon its fair to say it was quite clear i was talking about my dc's gp's ?

Thankyou for the lovely advice. To be honest I think that my solution is to try and find part-time work and use a nursery. Hopefully my mil will understand.

My mother looked after my son a lot.

If she indulged him a bit I rolled my eyes, but really it wasn't a big problem.

Not all family childcare arrangements are strained, basically.

wrt other children, she made friends with other GPs, my friends with children of similar ages, took him to the park... It was lovely, really.

He loved her very, very much and they were very close - but there's no rationing these things; if they form a close relationship it will be alongside that he has with you, not instead of it.

My mum looks after my DS for a day since going back to work when DS was 1 year. Other GPs have him for a day too. Even in that relatively short amount of time it can often seem like the bond your child has with GPs is stronger as they are more 'fun' and don't discipline in the same way.

I wouldn't use them any more than that even though I am grateful. They can stick their noses in and you get an awful lot of them 'knowing better' about your child's ways, which is grating.

I know I sound a bit petty but that's just my experience.

I think you have to have a very open, relaxed relationship with your relative for a situation like this to work. When you're paying for childcare, everything is laid out in black and white and there is a professional relationship so you don't have to worry about hurt feelings and stepping on toes. With family it can muddy the waters, especially if the relationship isn't great to begin with. There's nothing worse than having to stand back and bite your tongue where your child is concerned.

I'm not sure I would tell her about your history. If things go wrong will it be thrown back in your face? As in 'addictedtotoast is just jealous because of her past' even if you're not and even if it has nothing to do with whatever disagreement you might be having. Might make it harder for you to state a case for something iyswim?

Part time work, use a nursery, you can always say you want your DS to have more time with other children as your excuse to her, and perhaps schedule a weekly visit to your MIL.

My MIL has DS for a couple of hours every other friday, while we use nursery for the 3 days a week I work. It's not every other week, so they can cancel, go away, do their own thing etc, so it's not a big deal if she says she can't do it as i'm not relying on the time, but I can always go get my hair cut/have a wax/go shopping/grab a coffee/clean the house with a childfree friend without a toddler in tow (trust me, 7 months old, you can take them with you, 2.5 year old, you can't do anything like that). Do you think your MIL might like that? Then if it's a short period of time, ideally starting after a year (and miss meal times and nap times if you think those will be flash points for "former health visitor knows your child better than you do" issues), you get some 'me' time and your MIL gets some alone time with DS.

I think you are projecting your own situation onto your child. Lots of people get grandparents to help with childcare and it doesn't always result in a strained relationship between mother and child. There must have been more to the dynamic between the three of you for the relationships to break down so severely, and it is not a foregone conclusion that the same dynamic would be there between your MIL, your DC and you as it's a different group.

Relying on any friend or family member for full-time childcare is fraught with potential pit falls BUT can also make both of you feel secure as a transition from him being at home.

If you want fewer of those pitfalls and can handle her 'my house my rules as I was a healthvisitor' attitude then I would go for a compromise and ask her to look after him 1 or 2 days a week. This gives her indulgent 1-on-1 time that they will hopefully both thrive on but take away the angst of him spending more time with her than with you.

Is there any way you could work extended hours a couple of days (including that/those day/s) so that you can also get a day off with him yourself? That will soften the blow!

A great childminder could be an alternative on the other days but if you feel that you will be as jealous about any single person having a strong bond with your child whilst you are having to work, then a childminder might also be a bad idea.

My kids ended up at a nursery although I was originally planning to put them with a childminder. My mil and my mum both had them for a day or so a week at different times over their nursery years. I found the combination to be a perfect compromise.

Oh, and an added bonus was that our limited family time could be just about us mostly because the grandparents had already had some baby time!

Good luck

I agree, Manatee.

I also think it's a shame to limit the time a child spends with their grandparent (or anyone else for that matter) because you're worried about getting jealous.

It seems very selfish.

I do take on board though that not everyone has great relationships with their parents/PILs, and that not all parents/PILs are people you'd want looking after your baby.