Am I depriving my mil

[addictedtotoast]

My nan and mother have a very strained relationship. Basically my nan looked after me from 2 weeks old while mother went back to work. 32 years on my mother is insanely jealous of my relationship with my nan. They do not talk and I have been caught between them my whole life.

I now have a son, who is 7 months old, and I am planning to return to work. My mil wants to look after him full time but every bone in my body screams no because of my own experiences.

Aibu to say no to my mil and put my son into nursey because of my past? Or am I punishing my mil for my mother's mistake?

Anyone who had previously refused to give me back my own screaming baby would never, ever hold them again, let alone be considered as childcare!

I wouldn't want a GP to look after DS fulltime - mostly because young children are really hard work and I think it could be too much for them. My mum had DS 3 afternoons a week when I went back to work (he went to nursery in the mornings) and it has helped them to develop a wonderful realationship. If MIL had offered I would have let her have him some of the time too - she now picks DS up from school 1 day a week now she has retired.

Actually I never asked her to look after my lo, the first time it was mentioned was when she informed me that she wasn't filling her days so that she would be available for when I went back to work. That wad when my son was 8 weeks old

Yeah I have posted about that before. I told her I was not planning to go back to work and by the time my son was three months she had gotten her friend to offer me a job. I was still breastfeeding......

Good grief.

What does her son make of all this?

I didn't take the job and my husband went mad at her...... We can afford to use a nursery and I am not planning on returning for 6 months and I'll be part time. I'm just making sure that my past is not clouding my judgment and that sending him to nursery is the best thing.

I think even if your past is clouding your judgement, then you should still use nursery. You need to be happy when at work, it's hard enough leaving your little one without added stress like this. It's ok to be selfish when it comes to childcare. You should have the best you can afford that makes both your DC and you happy.

Good question mrs jay...... Yes I would be jealous if my child had a stronger bond with my mil than with me.

see resentment don't do it put your baby in childcare and let her have a granny grandaughter relationship with her

you have a son not a daughter sorry I don't think addicted said she wouldn't let her baby have a relationship with his grandmother she just wasn't comfortable with her looking after him, which is fair enough and not selfish imo

Of course I would encourage a good relationship with grandparents I would never stand in the way of that. Just not comfortable as grandparents providing weekly childcare. Lots of lovely advice thankyou

I think you need to think about what's best for the baby. And being looked aft by one person who lovesnhim while he is a tiny baby is the best possible solution. Then whence is older, split care between nursery grandmother would be perfect.

somebody said upthread that you may not let your baby have a relationship with another adult or 'something' I didnt want to direct quote

Family doing childcare can work BUT you are the only one who can work out if it's right for you.

My parents look after my boys and it works brilliantly - 2 grandparents, whose idea it was (and I check regularly that they are still happy to continue) who get that the treats need to be just that rather than everyday.

However - I work part time and if I was to go back full time I'd use a nursery for some days.

Mist of my colleagues use a combination - can you ask MIL to do 1 or 2 days? It's also helpful to have family who can help if you children are ill and school or nursery won't have them. But if you will be stressed and upset by the relationship with MIL then not worth it.