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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think he should not kick off

29 replies

ringodingo · 17/09/2012 15:05

My ex partner has not supported our dc financially for the past 6 years. The csa are now chasing him to pay up after many years of trying. However i,m miffed at his behaviour towards this. He becomes very irrate and abusive towards them when they call him. And refuses to engage with them at all. He even went as far as to blatently lie to them saying that he made a payment to me last month oh how I wish this was true.
He says why should he pay because he don,t live with our dc!! He regulary see,s our dc so I cannot understand why he acts this way in paying his way. Just what is his problem with this?

OP posts:

MyLastDuchess · 17/09/2012 15:16

You know what I think? I think you're going to go crazy trying to understand him. Who knows why he believes what he believes? The law feels differently, and he is just going to have to either like it or lump it.

(YANBU, but you will be better off leaving him to it and worrying about something else.)

OneMoreChap · 17/09/2012 15:18

YANBU.

He's a dick.
Ignore it and hopefully the CSA will give him a well deserved kicking.

Original poster

ringodingo · 17/09/2012 15:20

It,s nothing that I,m worried about. Why would a father be so offended that he should pay for his child.

OP posts:

OneMoreChap · 17/09/2012 15:25

I refer you to my previous answer. He's a dick.

Original poster

ringodingo · 17/09/2012 15:42

I think OneMoreChap you are being to kind in your he,s a Dick answer. I was thinking more along the lines of he,s a moron. He has a really bad attitude towards any help bringing our child up. Is it a loose connection in the brain of these men..

OP posts:

OneMoreChap · 17/09/2012 15:55

Sorry, I was being polite .

Whatever the problems between you, it isn't the fault of the kids.

I detested XW - and we barely spoke for years after we separated/divorced - but I always paid for the children, even when she was being very difficult over access.

fluffyraggies · 17/09/2012 16:07

OP - my sympathies. My ex refused to pay anything towards our 3DCs for the first 2 and a half years after we split, and the youngest was 8 then. That's to say it's not as if these were children he didn't know or recognise as his own even. He was barely interested in seeing them. These are children he saw being born and lived with for all those years and he was happy to pay nothing towards them untill the CSA forced him to, just because he was no longer in a relationship with me, their mother.

I was shocked, disappointed, upset etc etc etc at his attitude. How could he just switch off from them? My heart rate's going up just typing this!

Just continue being a good mum for your children OP. I have never and will never bad mouth my DCs dad - they'll understand when they are grown. It's his loss if he's pushing his children away at the end of the day.

Jemma1111 · 17/09/2012 16:09

His problem is that he's spitting his dummy out because you and the csa have finally caught up with him and now because he will have no choice but to pay , the twat doesn't like it .
Tough shit for him !

Your kids will also see him for what he is as they get older , you must be thanking your lucky stars everyday that you're no longer with him !

pippinsmum · 17/09/2012 16:17

For 12years I didn't get a penny for ds1, then the csa caught up with him and I get a good amount a month. Its just a shame ds1 had to miss out for 12 years on extra things his friends had.

Some men are shit! Luckly not all! I spent many years trying to understand why he wouldn't want to see or pay for his child! Gave up long ago!

Original poster

ringodingo · 17/09/2012 16:35

I have never been difficult over access and I do admire you OneMore. I,m very intrested in your thoughts. could you. elabarate further with me on why you do pay for your children with no hassle. I have no problem with ex as we split up years ago and he still seems to hold a grudge. I take no notice of his silly ways and don,t react to him,can,t be arsed. Thank you Jemma111. As I did start to think that I should just call the csa off.

OP posts:

Original poster

ringodingo · 17/09/2012 16:39

Fluffy mind your heart rate your kids need their lovely mum that you sound. Thankyou for your words. Did your ex have the hump also when made to pay.

OP posts:

OneMoreChap · 17/09/2012 17:04

ringodingo Why do I pay for my kids without hassle (well, tbh, they're all growed up so not for long!)?

Basically they are my kids who I love and I want to see happy and well cared for; the money was part of it. XW was very difficult about me seeing them (solicitor/Family Court difficult) so I had to sort that out, but they still needed feeding and clothing.

Must have worked as I now know some nice young adults and we see each other regularly. [Perhaps more than XW does...]

Good Lord, don't call the CSA off!

PooPooOnMars · 17/09/2012 17:11

Because he has a weird entitled attitude towards his money and doesn't feel that the responsibility for his kids wellbeing (which of course is affected by finances) is his responsibility?

To feel like that i would imagine that he would either have to be very stupid or have possibly some sort of personality disorder?

Perhaps he sees them as processions which he now doesn't see as his seeing as they don't live with him? Perhaps he is incredibly tight?

You probably know better than us.

PooPooOnMars · 17/09/2012 17:13

Not meaning that to be offensive to those with personality disorder by the way, something which i don't know much about clearly.

The thing i find weird is that he still sees them regularly.

Original poster

ringodingo · 17/09/2012 20:41

ex has contact but feels no shame in the fact that he doesnt contribute. no care in the world if dc is feed,clothed and shoed. Yes PooPoo i agree that its weird,what makes you come to that conclusion? By the way he isn,t tight, nice car,holidays,pedigree expensive pet, nice designer clothes blah blah. But yet he wants to see his child go without.
OneMore i,m sorry that your exw made things difficult.I salute you and your morals. This is just so wrong on all levels that ex can be so spiteful in regards to dc welfare. He won,t pay the csa seems to think he is the exception.

OP posts:

LadySybildeChocolate · 17/09/2012 20:47

My ex stopped paying in May, but told his mother that he's still paying. He's ignoring my emails, phone calls and texts, and is happy to sit and allow his son to miss school as I haven't always been able to afford to get him there. I've given him until Wednesday to reply to my latest email, or I'm filing the court papers. No word from him yet. Makes you wonder what goes around in their heads, doesn't it?

Original poster

ringodingo · 17/09/2012 21:10

lady they do make out to other people that they pay towards their children. sadly makes them feel better about how shit they are. I would just fill out the court papers no more chances. email and texts are not going to help feed your dc,s.he,s probaly loving the fact that you are chasing him. when ex said why should I pay I would of hoped that looking at his beautiful child we have would of been his answer.

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LadySybildeChocolate · 17/09/2012 21:12

I have the forms, it's on my list of things to do. It makes me so angry that he lied about this.

Original poster

ringodingo · 17/09/2012 21:46

whilst doing this you will need to grow a very thick skin so that the many foolish lies he tells will bounce off you. it,s actualy hilarious the things they come out with so as to avoid paying. I am a mother of a son and would be gutted if he grew up to have this attitude towards responsibility.

OP posts:

LadySybildeChocolate · 17/09/2012 21:48

Do they not realise that their children have to eat?

Original poster

ringodingo · 17/09/2012 21:53

they just don,t care. the government don,t care just us as mums care.

OP posts:

LadySybildeChocolate · 17/09/2012 21:57

PooPooOnMars · 17/09/2012 22:04

Oh i don't know really. Just seems to be an abnormal thought process.

PooPooOnMars · 17/09/2012 22:05

Or he could just be a cunt!

woopdiedoo · 17/09/2012 22:13

In the case of my ex, he sees it as giving me money and not his son. He has told ne this.

He hadn't paid for him for 10 years which I didn't pursue as he wasn't in contact but once contact restarted, I asked him to put money into DC's savings. He promised he would but when he hadn't after several months and I questioned it, he said that I would steal the money .

I eventually got the CSA involved. He continually asked for reassessments and doesn't pay in the meantime. They threaten him with court action and he'll pay for a few weeks to get them off his back and the cycle starts over again.

He just doesn't see the financial upbringing of his son as his responsibility and cannot bear to give me money (as he sees it). He has 3 other children with 3 other women and interestingly only pays for the one he lives with. Very frustrating since he regularly shows off to my DC about all his luxury holidays, he has a massive tv in his bathroom FFS! And is getting married next year. He's self employed too meaning the CSA have a hard time enforcing anything. I think they should do as they do in America and withhold his passport for non payment .

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