to leave DP to do CC/CIO withDS

[ZigZagWanderer]

I know this may be bad of me but I'm such a whimp.

Baisically DS is 1 and is breastfed, he feeds to sleep and I co-sleep with him. This was never the way I intended it to be, but it has been the only way to get any sleep and I've grown quite comfortable with it.

His sleep is up and down, he will mostly sleep for 11 hours but on a good night he will wake 3 times. On a bad night (like last night) he will wake up about 12 times.
Last night was different however as all the feeds were long, proper feeds. Usually he just half wakes for a quick suck a few times and rolls back over and will only have a 'proper' feed around 3-4am.
Good nights and bad nights are 50/50.

As you can imagine I have aged 15 years in the in the last 12 months, feel like shit and have a terrible memory.

I have now accepted the only way to really get out of this is to do CC/CIO. I have put it off because I always thought it was cruel, I'm so scared of it.
I will have to move his cot away from from my bed and put the side back on, so if I do it, I have to see it through.

I find it upsetting that I will be depriving him of boobie milk, he is crazy about it. He is also very strong, he can cry forever if he has too, so I'm worried it won't work and I've subjected him to this for nothing.

Am I wrong for suggesting to my DP that I go for a walk whilst he listens to the crying? He is not as much of a whimp as me but also has never been keen on the CC/CIO method.

Please tell me it's ok to go out so I don't have to hear him. Or should I snap out of it and grow a pair?

You don't have to do CC or CIO. Have you tried anything else? Do you want to stop breast feeding altogether or just stop the night feeds?

CC/CIO are v different things. I wouldn't do either but it's important to differentiate between the two.

You say you're convinced you have to do this. Do you mean you've exhausted every other possibility. Which other methods have you tried? I don't think not wanting to do cc or cio makes you a wimp. It means your instincts are talking to you.

I did reach the point of having had enough with the night feeds when dd was 2.4 and we did Jay Gordon's night weaning method but adapted it a bit to suit us.

DS is 1 and bf and cosleeps. I just go with the flow and snooze through the night feeds if and when they happen. I know it won't last forever and have always thought how do I make MY life easier, what can I do, as opposed to how do I change the needs of a baby. Once you accept that actually wanting to be close to you and needing milk still is normal for a 1yo, it makes it easier. I'm not saying you have to continue or that it isn't bloody hard work sometimes, but it's sometimes good to know that you're not alone and your dc isn't abnormal.

If it doesn't sit well with you to CIO, why don't you try a gradual withdrawal method? Start by easing him off the boob before he's asleep and cuddle him to sleep. Then gradually step by step move him back into his cot or own room.
I did this with my eldest at about 1year, it took me about 3 months to be able to walk out the door and have him sleep on his own but it was oh so worth it.
Ds2 is 3 next week and I'm afraid to say still wakes in the night. I've only just started sleep training (gradual again) due to lack of bedrooms / house move etc but I soooooo wish I'd been able to start earlier!!

Good luck whatever you decide to do. Dont get to 3 like me with my second, it's a killer!

I can really recommend a book called Teach Yourself Baby Sleep - I'll find a link in a sec - but it basically looks at the available options for changing the sleep pattern and helps you structure a plan for yourself that suits your particular situation. It is not some guru telling you what you have to do - and it's very helpful and reassuring with lots of different case studies to help you understand what works.

First of all controlled crying and cry it out are two different things.

Which are you going to do?

I would start off by moving him to his own room ... you never know, you might find that he sleeps much better when he is away from you.

here

I think you might be being a bit optimistic if you think you'll go for a walk and get back and it'll all be done. Even a really really long walk.
It's going to be upsetting for several evenings I would guess.

I used this for both of mine and all my friends used it too.

I would also really recommend moving him to his own room, it made a huge difference for both of my two as you don't disturb each other.

I have tried the rub back and shhh, but he he just wouldn't settle.

I just thought they were both the same kind of technique that involved being left to self settle.

I in no way want to stop breastfeeing, I just want to get an ok night's sleep.

My hv is adament that this is the only way forward and I have heard that gentler methods don't work.

I'd like to carry on co-sleeping but he will just want to feed all the time.

Last night was just a joke.

My DH and I did CC when DS was 11months old.
It was unbelievably easy. DH did the first night, I did the second night and after that he usually slept through. Maybe we were exceptionally lucky though.
I think what you do partly depends on how tired you are. Some people seem to manage with DCs who don't sleep well until they go to school whereas with my DS. who was DC2 I was just about on my knees.

We are in our own room, I don't sleep with partner. I hope to stay in the room but move the cot away from me. Perhaps gradually?
I have no idea where to start.

Why not just night wean first, and then see where you are with his sleep?

Of course gentle methods work Or do you think everyone lets their baby cio?

Choco it's getting that way. I have awful nights followed by a good couple of nights, then I think that I can cope, until the bad nights.
3 bad nights in a row now.

My hv says I should CIO.

I don't know how I go about night weaning, surely that will also involved upset and crying.

I don't think you want to do cio/cc. You don't have to.

Your HV is talking bollocks.

DS was just as you describe at 12 months, it's normal for a baby to want comfort and yes even milk in the night at this age.

I know it feels like this has been going on forever so it's hard to see the end of it but I promise you it will come, and IME it doesn't have to come at a price ie; your poor baby wailing for hours and all the stress that brings. I don't think you'll be able to go for a long enough walk to avoid it all and I think YABU to expect your DP to deal with it all. If you can't bear to listen to your baby cry I would say there's a good reason for that, although I'm sure lots of people will say you just need to be 'strong'

here's what worked for us: at 15 months I night-weaned DS whilst still co-sleeping. We used

It'll be hard to do either CC or CIO if you co sleep because he'll see you and wonder why you aren't going to him. Apologies if I have this wrong but I think he'd have to be in a separate room. Also, if you want to go for a walk or whatever, how can you do that in the middle of the night?

It might just be a case of accepting it'll be really hard but only offering cuddles and a drink of water when he wakes. You'll lose more sleep in the first few days but hopefully, once he realises that he isn't getting the boob he might settle himself more quickly.

You've got to be ready to be consistent though (easier said than done which is why DS is still in bed with me at 16 months

Oops posted too soon! We used Dr Jay Gordon's methods - it worked in 3 nights because it was the right time if I'd done it at 12 months I'm sure it wouldn't have worked. It might work for you now or you might have to wait a little while. At 16 months we put DS in a cot next to our bed with the side off, at 17 months we put the side on. At 19 months he now goes to sleep by himself after a feed and sleeps the whole night through without a feed and without waking (unless unwell) - at 15 months he was in our bed, feeding to sleep, and waking many times for milk in the night. Trust me if it can work for my (sleep-hating, milk-loving, screaming, high needs) DS it can work for you, you might just need to be a little patient.

Please don't leave him to cry, there really is no need and he's still so small

Iseethread I decided to change my attitude rather than ds and go with it too, but last night got me wondering how long I'm going to be able to keep it up, I feel ill, 12 times!
My friend did CIO and her Ds is happier, less grumpy. My ds is grumpy.

Nicecup thanks for that.
I don't want to no, I want to co-sleep and bf for longer, but I also want to feel well and for him to be happier (not that he's not happy, just overtired).

OP no offence but I think you have a rosy view of CC if you think you will be able to get away from it...I know some people say 3 nights then it's over but other people I know have taken 2 weeks or more, then every time there is an illness or teething they are back to square one...every baby has a different character and will respond differently, but if you start down that route and commit to it, it will be daytime naps & night, and you will get less rest not more for a little while.

Opposed to what others say about moving the baby out, we saved our sleep by moving DD's cot into our room. We had fallen into the cosleeping habit after the first or second waking rather than taking her back to her room. Now she is in our room in the cot she self settles better and we can sometimes get her back to sleep without getting up, just by shhing her from our beds.

FWIW I weaned at 12 mo, DD then took the bottle day and night for another 4 months, then weaned herself off the bottle at 16mo. So stopping BFing didn't stop the night wakings, I remember one particularly awful night around 13mo where she woke every half an hour (and I had a job interview the next day!). Now she wakes once or twice a night, occasionally has a bit of water to drink, and mostly sleeps in her own cot. I think what I'm trying to say is, even if you do nothing, it will get better!

When my DD was 14 months old we roughly did the Jay Gordon method. After her last feed (roughly 8pm) I would settle her in the cot and if she woke up before 3am I offered her water and cuddles instead of breastmilk (I think Jay Gordon recommends choosing a 7 hour stretch where you won't be breastfeeding?). Around 3am when she woke I'd bring her back into bed with me to cosleep/bf until morning. DH did the first couple of nights of this as I knew DD would only want to bf if she saw me. It really did only take 2-3 nights before she was sleeping 8pm-3am (before all this she was waking up every 40 minutes all night! I had no evenings for over a year). So while she did cry when denied milk during those first few nights, we never left her alone to cry, and we still continued to cosleep and bf at night, at least for part of the night.

I hope so ems.
Thanks nux will see if the library can get it in.

Agreed, I think my idea of cc is rosy. Ive heard so many success stories.
I heard a lot of people mention too that they tried this and that method but resorted to CC.

I feel guilty for even contemplating it

zigzag if you feel guilty for contemplating it, well it has to be said, I do think you will feel even more guilty if you try it (esp. if it doesn't work). I tried once for an hour and DD scratched her face up, when I checked on her there was blood all over (thankfully it looked worse than it was), it was before she was mobile so god knows what she would do to harm herself now. This is common as well as vomiting. 1 hour of CC took me 4 hours to calm DD down enough to sleep.

Believe me I know the pain of sleep deprivation. If you had told me 6 months ago that I would get DD to go back to sleep by shusshing I never would have believed you. However we did get through that period and although it's by no means perfect, it is much much better. Also I am so adjusted now that 5/6 hours sleep is enough to get by : )

Have you read any of the Dr Sears, high needs baby/fussy baby book stuff? That made me feel much better, knowing that I was not alone.

I'm on the fence about CC; I know people that have used it and it's worked and everyone is happier, but I also know the feeling I get when DS is screaming. I wouldn't be able to do it. Saying that, I'm not sure CC would work if you want to carry on co-sleeping. I think getting him past needing to feed a half dozen times during the night, trying some of the methods suggested upthread would be a happy compromise.

How does your DP feel about the co-sleeping? Is he happy enough not sharing a bed with you?

I had the opposite experience of CC to Emsmaman. I never left DD as long as it said to, I think the longest I left her was 2 minutes. She wouldn't settle to shush pat and used to get more and more upset. However, I think you need to think carefully about what you want. Gentle steps takes longer but might be better in the long term. At the moment you want to achieve about 4 things at the same time; settling without Mum; settling without milk; sleeping though; ending co-sleeping... That's a lot of change for a small person. Maybe pick one and try to achieve that.