SN family member being bulled?? getting irratated too.

[cbeebiesinducedcoma]

(posted in here as well as chat to get more perspective)

I am planning my wedding and large proportion of my extended live further afield so I am having to book a lot of rooms get things done a fair bit in advance etc.

There is some dysfunction in my family (bare with me lol) I have invited my cousin and partner and my older cousin who has LD and lives in supported living. She is not my biological cousin and was never made very welcome by her step dad I feel this is relevant.
Her step dad (my uncle) and my aunt are not invited there has been trouble in the past, and have not spoken for years.
My non SN cousin had a whinge about this saying they are family too etc but I made it clear they have behaved appallingly and are not invited.

Any way I was chasing my SN cousin for a while , physically she is fine its just mentally, maturity wise and very childlike and chasing can be very draining as she can often be petulant and un co-operative but tbh, I think this is more to do with upbringing, my Non-SN is a very brattish. She then told me a carer would have to come after chasing for weeks I had to tell her this would not be possible and could she share a room with my nan just for the night.
Her carers were fine with this, so was she and my nan.
However her parents and my other cousin kicked off saying its inappropriate and shes far to difficult and I shouldn't have asked etc, I heard that they have been raving about this.
Now my SN has said she is not coming now, She said that its because its too far away and she won't know anyone but I feel that their spiteful behaviour has bullied her out of coming I'm really angry for her.
When my cousin told and I asked why has no-one told me ?? I was met with "shes not my fucking problem I work, you should have known organizing things with disabled people will go wrong"
I asked "could you make her a bit your problem she is your sister?"

What shall I say to her I want her to know she is still welcome but I'm only human and chasing around 4/5 adults who couldn't organize a piss up in a brewery is getting exhausting and feeling more trouble than its worth.
Some people have told me to un invite my brat cousin as its through her spite shes not coming but I feel that is childish.

Pfttt Sigh what to do?

Can you not let her bring her carer?

If she needs a carer for everyday living; she'll likely need one at the wedding too? Why would you insist she comes unaccompanied?

I could had I been told earlier.

she doesn't need any physical help just someone there.

we asked the local authority and they seemed fine with it.

well she would travel down with relatives, its just sharing a room part.

you have answers on your other thread.
why start 2 threads?

there's a lot of selective reading going on unfortunately its hard to get a good range of responses.

the thing is there is literally no more room for a carer i.e sit down meal,church, evening do.

because I spent so long leaving messages with no replies to lots of relatives regarding this person I just thought they are obviously not interested and went ahead,

all of a sudden this influx happened and I've been chasing for ages.

I think largely the parents are being spiteful as they are not invited, which is the issue here and now feels she cannot come. She really is not that difficult (think am dingle) I have a sibling with severe ASD so I know SN she will be there with our family.
I will get flaming for this but why can't families look after their bloody own for one day??.

Does your younger cousin really want to come to your wedding?

Perhaps she would have felt more comfortable being there with a carer.

If she is saying she doesnt want to come, then maybe just let it drop.

How much do you really know about how she

Sorry, ignore me- was going to reply but babies are awake now Pressed send by mistake and don't know how to delete x

If you care enough about your cousin for it to be important to you that she is at your wedding, then why can't you see what you can do about accommodating the carer?
She obviously needs one, and would feel more comfortable with one there.
I understand how frustrating this is to deal with so late in the day, and the family politics behind it. But surely you realise this is the 'right' thing to do?

Personally I think not making allowances for her to bring her carer is utterly disgraceful. I have a carer when I go out as I need someone with me. If a family member didn't take that into account for their wedding, I'd tell them to stick it.

I think the problem is you should have allowed the carer to come. If you know the family are difficult you should maybe have given this all far more consideration that you initially did. Thier attitude sucks yes, but i think yours does slightly too.

I don't know your cousin, but as a mum to a child with SN who will need support in adult life, I don't think you are able to decide if she ReALLY needs the career there or not "because she is not that difficult". I wouldn't ask my son to share a room with an old person, it would be too difficult.
Sorry but I can see your uncles side of things.

Everyone on both threads has told you that a carer isn't just some random person, but someone essential for your cousin's well-being. You wouldn't ask her to leave a wheelchair behind because it takes up space, would you?

I can see that you are trying to be inclusive, but she really needs a carer.

I sometimes try to bring a carer along with me when I take my teenage learning disabled son to family events, because otherwise I get to talk to no-one and have to spend the whole time running around after him. The carer might not expect to join the sit down meal (especially if you provide a decent alternative) and could be on standby outside. It sounds as if she needs overnight carers as well though, but I would have thought those would be paid for out of her budget. You really need to talk to the people responsible for her.

I wouldn't let my son go (even as an adult) to something without a 1:1 there for him as it wouldn't be safe. He has no awareness of danger and limited understanding of road safety and might just wander off.

Right okay, I'm going to say this again.

I rang up a few times to check policy with the LA and the people who look after her and because she only has moderate learning difficulties they said it was fine, so its disgraceful to assume I'm forcing someone to come without something they need. I wouldn't she even said its fine.
All I need is someone to share a room with her just so shes not wandering off my mum has even offered her to stay at hers if its too much.
Her carer herself has said she doesn't need her there.

I left messages with her carers for months and I got no reply and from her family I can only do so much , I'd feel bad inviting her carer because their is literally no room for them. Like I said its not about me making allowances they took months to reply and I can only do so much chasing from miles away. Literally spent weeks ringing different people. So its not like I 'didnt try to organize things'.

it's not about what she NEEDS though - it's what she WANTS maybe she wants somebody there she is familiar with and who can look after her all day - you wont be able to and I think it's unfair to ask other guests to act as her carer

You sound like you are doing it for your own reasons not for her

But bridezilla OP, perhaps, if you stop in your tracks for a moment and have some consideration for your cousins feelings, she might not want to come alone to a wedding..

I think you may need to take the advice of people who know your cousin better than you do.

Maybe your cousin without SN knows that she will have to care in some way for your other cousin, and that's why she doesn't want her to come. That in itself is another issue and another thread altogether.

I had disabled guests at my wedding. Two of them have assistants. Other guests who are mutual friends could have done the things that my friends who are disabled needed to be done, but I didn't want to put that on any of my guests because I wanted them to be having fun without feeling any responsibility. The two assistants that came were treated as every other guest, they were given all the same things that everyone else got. And rightly so.

I see this situation as one that is simelar to one that my family have with my Gran sometimes. My gran lives alone and is as independant as any 85yo can be. But when she goes to big events like family weddings, someone does need to be looking out for her. At the very least keeping an eye to make sure she has everything she needs. My Gran is well loved and well looked after by her family, but there have been the odd occasions where she hasn't been invited when my Aunts get together simply because they want to get together and let their hair down without worrying about whether my Gran is ok. I don't see anything wrong with that tbh, and it sounds like it woudo be the same with your cousin.

The carer probably said that she doesn't need to be there because she would assume that someone else would be there to watch over your cousin, but if her family aren't prepared to do that and you want her there, then you have to invite the carer too.

yes but what the LA says she needs and what she says she wants and needs is a very different matter. She clearly needs support at night time and so as she said she does not know anyone, I would only assume she is letting you know she does not want to share with anyone else.

Why would you leave messages with her careres and family why would you not simply talk to her? Sounds like the poor woman has no voice!!

I think the poor woman is being pushed by everyone and you are using her as a pawn in a very sad display of power and yes bullying, good for her to speak up and think for her self and say stuff the lot of yoiu Im not coming.

My grandma and other rels said it was fine though and my cousin SN said she was fine with that.

its my the other cousin who has kicked off and tbh its says more about her if she cba to help with her sis for a day. She really isn't that bad I've been to weddings before shes fine.

a few xposts there OP all mirroring each other.

I think it is time you let this go and give consideration to why you are pushing this so much, it is certainly not for the good of your cousin is it?

SHE. MIGHT. NOT. WANT. TO. GO.