SN family member being bulled?? getting irratated too.

[cbeebiesinducedcoma]

(posted in here as well as chat to get more perspective)

I am planning my wedding and large proportion of my extended live further afield so I am having to book a lot of rooms get things done a fair bit in advance etc.

There is some dysfunction in my family (bare with me lol) I have invited my cousin and partner and my older cousin who has LD and lives in supported living. She is not my biological cousin and was never made very welcome by her step dad I feel this is relevant.
Her step dad (my uncle) and my aunt are not invited there has been trouble in the past, and have not spoken for years.
My non SN cousin had a whinge about this saying they are family too etc but I made it clear they have behaved appallingly and are not invited.

Any way I was chasing my SN cousin for a while , physically she is fine its just mentally, maturity wise and very childlike and chasing can be very draining as she can often be petulant and un co-operative but tbh, I think this is more to do with upbringing, my Non-SN is a very brattish. She then told me a carer would have to come after chasing for weeks I had to tell her this would not be possible and could she share a room with my nan just for the night.
Her carers were fine with this, so was she and my nan.
However her parents and my other cousin kicked off saying its inappropriate and shes far to difficult and I shouldn't have asked etc, I heard that they have been raving about this.
Now my SN has said she is not coming now, She said that its because its too far away and she won't know anyone but I feel that their spiteful behaviour has bullied her out of coming I'm really angry for her.
When my cousin told and I asked why has no-one told me ?? I was met with "shes not my fucking problem I work, you should have known organizing things with disabled people will go wrong"
I asked "could you make her a bit your problem she is your sister?"

What shall I say to her I want her to know she is still welcome but I'm only human and chasing around 4/5 adults who couldn't organize a piss up in a brewery is getting exhausting and feeling more trouble than its worth.
Some people have told me to un invite my brat cousin as its through her spite shes not coming but I feel that is childish.

Pfttt Sigh what to do?

It's also unfair of you to put any responsibility on your Nan when she should be able to fully relax and enjoy her granddaughters wedding. I expect she said she doesn't mind because she loves you and your cousin so would want to do what she can for you both. Not be ause she is entirely comfortable with it.

It really is your fault for not planning to invite a carer in the first place when you were deciding on numbers and suitable venues. Knowing we were going to have a number of disabled wedding guests, those things were first in the list of planning priorities.

she clearly isnt fine with it or she would have come huh!!

anyway to be honest with you not many people like attending weddings without a friend partner or carer, it is just normal to expect to be able to bring along a companion. If she had a partner Im pretty sure you would without question invite the partner. what adult want to be looked after by someone elses granny or mother aswell.

If I was putting my needs above hers I wouldn't have spent ages ringing around chasing her and trying to make plans in place. She can be very petulant and would often refuse to make simple phone calls to help I have other things going on (illness pg related) so If I was a bridezilla I would have said 'fuck off then' a long time ago.

What would I do though ? its not the biggest venue and filled to capacity where would I put the carer there is literally no room as it took so long to get a response.

The problem here ultimately is that you don't want to invite the carer. We can waste our time giving you all the reasons why you should, and you really should, but it's clear you don't want to hear this. You asked what you should do. Everyone has been pretty unanimous in telling you to invite the carer. You're going to ignore that. So why bother posting?

Oh trust me, you really are coming across as very Bridezilla...

i can understand you would want your cousin at your wedding and want her to be part of the event - but if she has a carer with her at home, you need to count in the carer as part of the deal. if she had a husband, you wouldn't expect her to leave him at home.

I did leave messages with her, and her family and carers all of them countless which Is why I got so frustrated I was planning to invite a carer but since I asked and was never responded theirs not much I can do now.

OP, you don't have to chase or ring around anyone. You send and invite to cousin + carer and then leave it to them to decide and reply. End of.

then accept she does not want to come then and drop the whole fude.

she is a grown fucking adult why should she expect her sister or granny or your mother to look after her she should not be treated like a child, honestly just leave her alone and stop playing emotional blackmail with her and discussing her like you do, "honestlt she isnt that bad etc" she is human being give her some respect and dignity.

Why squeaky ? I've made it very obvious I spent months trying to organize things.

A bridezilla wouldn't have even bothered once.

I'm leaving this now , it appears some peoples maturity is so low it could parachute out of a snakes arsehole.

*sigh.

if she is in supported living and needs a carer I think her needs are significantly greater than you understand them to be. People can often present as quite able when their disabilities are complex and that often makes them a lot more vulnerable unfortunately :( Let the carer come, she will not need a meal or room or anything, she will most probably bring her own sandwiches and can she not take your cousin home afterwards, even if it shortens the day?

I think you are being unfair to judge the family

I spent months trying to organize things.

^that ^

You have organsied against all wishes, you dont need to organise let her organise her own grown up life and invites.

I think you may have misunderstood the definition of a bridezilla OP..

Well someone has to organize things, its not going to organize itself my cousin with SN was fine with it all plus her carers I rang them and asked them. But my cousin I feel has kicked off out of spite. (with out special needs) because she's doesn't really have much time for her sister.
But didn't have the decency to reply to messages I left a while ago.
I could try and compromise etc with regards to sit down meal, if they are open to that.
would a carer expect a sit down meal though?

it appears some peoples maturity is so low it could parachute out of a snakes arsehole

^^ made me laugh! (helpful response to the thread

I think the damage is done now OP and you will be foolish to do anything other than drop the whole thing and move on to the next pressing matters of your wedding day. You seem to want to make more of a point than is now needed with your family. just do the graciuose thing and realise it has all been badly handled all round and just draw a line under it.

A carer can expect to be fed by their client or employers, so you don't neccesarily have to offer them the full sit down meal (although it seems rude no to and i don't understand why you would want to make someone feel unwelcome) but you do have to ensure they are catered for.

it depends what their contract says but I imagine the carer will be provided for by the local authority so they will pay her expenses if need be. Question the LA, they wont tell you this

you don't have to ensure they are catered for at all, I have never been expected to feed my daughters carers and nor was it in their contract for me to.

I did/do feed them though if they are heere of a lunch or dinnertime, but usually they bring sandwiches (or whatever)

you don't car what she wants - that is wrong - saying that does not make anyone immature - walking all over the wishes of a vulnerable woman may do though :)

care even !

walking all over a vulnerable woman?
I don't care what she wants?
I asked her if she would mind, she said no, I planned it , her nan said it was fine too.
I'm standing up to her spiteful family for bullying her and making her feel she is too difficult for her grandma which she isn't.
Telling someone who has spent their life being told 'you're too difficult we can't be arsed with you"
That we are happy too look after you are no trouble seems like a nice thing to do, what a thoroughly ignorant and disgusting thing to say gordy you should be ashamed.

Anyway...I'm leaving it for now , seems no point anyway.

it appears some peoples maturity is so low it could parachute out of a snakes arsehole

ha ha ha ha ha ha, that stopped me in my tracks, I'm still trying to work it out and am stealing it for future use

I know you spend weeks chasing an answer. Can you ask cousin with SN what she would be comfortable with?