Ex husband - children's father

[Netguru]

Back story to try to give straight facts.

Separated and then divorced ex husband 5 years ago. Children were then 16, 7 and 5. Divorce was amicable - after almost 20 years we were able to agree that it was no longer what we wanted.

I remarried, someone I knew at the time but no relationship until after split. exH didn't. He is 15 years older than me so now 57.

I bought house with new partner 40 miles away. Shortly after this, exH lost his job and company car. Since that time he has of course paid nothing towards the kids. I'm very well off (good job and high earning DH) so don't press this at all.

Queue several years of driving children over to him to see him relatively regularly so they can have a good relationship with their dad.

About a year after the move, drove over with the kids to drop them off and found him drunk, middle Friday afternoon. Refused to leave children with him (which wasn't pleasant with him and children crying). Didn't know what to do so drove to his mother's house and told her what I had found. Agreed that the children could stay with her for the weekend and he could see them there.

He admitted to his family that weekend that he had a drink problem. This led to him spending far more time at his mother's house, she cleaned him up and stopped him drinking. He clearly found it comfortable there as he is now rarely at home.

So for past two or so years, children have been going to see him at his mothers'. His mother is 87 and he leaves her to do most things when they are there. She understandably then gets grumpy.

When they visit, I ask two things. I ask that they are given a decent breakfast not containing sugar as this is something we do at home (no coco pops etc) as the youngest gets severely constipated if he does't get fibre. I also ask that they go to bed at a reasonable hour so they don't come home exhausted and foul.

My daughter (now 13) feels that her grandmother doesn't like her. Both her younger and older brother agree that 'Nanna' treats here differently and even exH agrees, saying that she is operating under some odd idea that the youngest boy needs more encouragement.

I therefore arranged to 'sorry I have to....' deliver and pick them up from his house instead this weekend.

Last night they returned. They have been fed sugar puffs, allowed to stay up until 11 both nights and, the thing that got me the most, shared a bed with their father in the lounge (sofa bed) both nights like some giant sleep over.

My daughter is 13. She has gone through puberty. Sharing a bed with her brother and a 57 year old man who is her father is in my view not reasonable.

My son was so tired on the second night of this, he apparently got up in the middle of the night and took himself off to bed. Needless to say, on his return home he was exhausted, fell asleep in his dinner and was dreadful to get up this morning.

So - the point. I am fed up but my husband is even more fed up that we are the only ones trying to do the right thing. We and the 'bad' people who make them clean their teeth, eat properly, do their homework, go to bed on time. Their father is the fun one who ignores all the normal rules and undermines us - at our damn expense and trouble. There is a train which runs from where we live to where he lives and not once has he got on it to come and see them. If we don't get them to him, he doesn't see them.

I know he is the kids Dad, but over the past five years he hasn't acted like a Dad - and whilst I realise that the view may be unpopular - my DH has. He is the one who deals with the learning to ride a bike, bullying at school, arranging extra maths tuition, making sure their clean their teeth, helping elder son at uni, supporting me as I go through the usual ups and downs of parenthood.

My daughter doesn't want to go to her fathers. Mostly to be honest because she'd rather be with her friends like most teenagers but she is hurt by the way that her grandmother treats her. My youngest son loves it there. 'Daddy' treats him as very special, doesn't discipline and still babes him (to the point that he helps him get dressed at 11)

Am I being unreasonable to be so fed up - or is he being unreasonable in his behaviour. And, more importantly - what would you do?

Yanbu to be fed up, I do feel yabu about the bed sharing and sugar puffs. What do you want to do about it though? You cant stop them seeing their dad, and since you have alway done pick ups and drop offs you can't suddenly stop. If you stop them they will really resent you you will always be the bad guy.

your not being unreasonable to be fed up. Its basic stuff that as parents we are supposed to reinforce. there should be no good cop bad cop when bringing up kids as one parent is always left as the scapegoat.
I would have a word with him and state your concerns, you can't stop the kids from spending time with their dad but you can put conditions on it though. brushing teeth, decent bed time and not eating crap food is not unreasonable.
if your daughter is 16 then she should be at the age where she can decided if she wants to visit or not so don't force her.
as for the mother in law (ex) its a bit mean to expect an 87 year old to look after three children.
your ex needs to man up and do his job properly or tell him you won't be making the effort anymore.
good luck

Your children are old enough to know, understand and "obey" your rules regarding sugar, they are not toddlers so should be able to clean their teeth without telling. You do sound a bit controlling regarding the cereal situation though anyway.

Staying up until 11 and sharing a sofa bed with their dad is no big deal... would you find it odd if they snuggled down with you?

I think you should just let the kids decide now. They are old enough to make their own minds up about things, and even old enough to get on a train to go and see him too.

Yanbu. Sorry you are in this difficult situation.

squeakytoy you would let an 11 year old travel 40 miles to visit his dad??

on a train??

Does your ex need to have the children at his mothers house for sleep overs?

MAybe if he meets them half way and takes them out for the day? Nothing expensive- birdwatching,going to a gallery,whatever.It moves him and them on a bit, and they get to see him in a different light. Also he wont be donig all the babying things they resent. This isnt to edge gma out but it seems ,your ex is stuck in a rut of actually how to be a father. He needs to change, so he can grow up as well as his children.
I think you will get criticised from his side, but thats because they arnt changing and they should be. Good luck

If your dd doesn't want to go, don't let her. It is entirely her choice.
The 2 boys could travel together on the train or coach.
Cereal, they could say no, I want bran flakes or whatever. Teeth brushing, seriously, they still need to be told at their ages? That is shocking and its about time they started taking responsibility for their own hygiene. Are you going to be still telling them in their 30's?
Sleeping, is only an issue if it makes those doing it uncomfortable. If the children don't like it, then they need to use their voices and say no.
Staying up until 11pm isn't late imho, but then my children are allowed to stay up late on weekends and holidays, without it disrupting their routines.

Of course I would let an 11yo go on a train for 40 miles! At that age I was travelling from Manchester to Exeter on a train by myself.

Plenty of kids that age get themselves on public transport alone.

So is your eldest now 21? Does he see his dad at all? How did he negotiate the teenage years?

Sorry - I have confused people with ages (as I set out the history).

My daughter is now 13
My youngest son is 11 (just)
My eldest son is 21, drives and makes his own mind up about seeing his father.

My daughter looks after her personal hygiene well now. My youngest will wriggle out of anything he can still.

My daughter wants a good diet - but has no need of one.
My son gets dreadful stomach ache if he misses out on fibre - to the point that we almost ended up at A&E once as he was screaming his stomach hurt.
So yes - I am controlling about cereal - as it is what we have found works.

If the only cereal he buys is sugar puffs then that is all they can eat. They know he is short of money and would not 'demand' anything.

The sleeping arrangements made my daughter uncomfortable - but she would not say no to her Dad. When she was crying about how her grandmother treated her - she didn't want me to make a fuss.

seriously an 11 year old on a 40 minute train journey alone, crikey!
op yanbu

Could your 13 yo maybe start teaming up with her big brother then, and going to see her dad in the car with him, as she is starting to want to see her own mates, do her own thing, etc. Maybe not stop the overnights entirely, but let her know that it's more up to her. And she and younger DS could go on the train sometimes, which would give you a break. That said, I think you do still have to facilitate DS11's visits, as you've done that with all the other kids, until he's old enough to make up your own mind.

Also on DD, if she is uncomfortable about the sleeping arrangements then I think it's your job to help her find a way to be assertive about this. She needs to find her voice in this and you need to help her do it in a reasoned way. Which is something she's going to need to be able to do as a young woman anyway, we all have to negotiate situations where we feel uncomfortable saying 'no' but 'no' is what we want to say. It will do her good and teach her a great life lesson.

his own mind, dur!

why not an 11 yr old on a train alone? I used to do that, no problem.

OP your daughter doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to, she is old enough to decide for herself.

its a 40 minute journey, its not like getting on a school bus. Am I the only one that thinks 11 is way too young to be allowed to travel that far on his own??

Wow, I could almost have written the OP even down to the DC who has special dietary requirements that are completely ignored by exP. I only had 2 DCs with my ex though.

I hear your pain, I've been battling with this for 12 years nearly.

well in my view beesnees, yes you are.. or just over-protective

OP, send him with a box of your preferred choice of cereal if it is so concerning, or a banana.. but I really cannot see how one meal, once a week is going to have such a severe effect on his bowels..

yes, if the cereal is that important, send them with cereal.

Personally, I think a train journey which involves changing trains at a mainline station is too big an ask for a (relatively immature) just 11 year old.

Don't forget, it's a journey that their father can't be arsed to do.

Of course I could send cereal. I have in the past. I would expect though, knowing the issues that Ds2 has, his father would try to help rather than constantly undermine.

I'm surprised that so far consensus appears to be that the exH can do what he likes. Having reflected on it some more, I am simply not prepared to continue putting up with this. I have done all the running for four years to make sure he has a good relationship with his kids and he won't do anything grown up at all.

I agree that 11 is too young OP. Maybe some 11 year olds are up to it but they're all different aren't they?

Me? I'd send my 11 year old with a portion of cereal to eat the next day and tell him bluntly "dd needs her own bed, or she doesn't want to come anymore". I can't see there is much else you can do.

You have facilitated his incompetence. Why then are you continually surprised at it?

Only the OP knows how much of an issue her sons diet is. I'd suggest you send him with a box of cereal he can eat.
It isn't reasonable that you do both the pick up and drop off. Depending on how complex the train journey is - if, for example, you could put the kids on at one end, there were no changes and their Father could collect them at the other end, I can't see the problem. Is money so tight he couldn't afford his own fare to actually come and collect them or drop off on the train? (So you each do one leg of the travel for the weekend). That's what I would be expecting him to do - and would want a good reason why not.
My DSC's have had a long journey to school ever since they were 11 - probably around 40 minutes on a school bus.

I think you also need to point out to your ex that your daughter is approaching puberty and wants more privacy and sharing a bed with her Dad and brother is something she really doesn't want to do.
I think you could turn a blind eye to the drop in hygiene standards for your DS over the weekend and ensure they get to bed early when they get back.

40 miles or 40 minutes?

Either way, he is secondary age where they frequently have to do things for themselves!

No - he is still at primary school. It would involve a change in trains at a big station. I think it is too much at the moment.