Back story to try to give straight facts.
Separated and then divorced ex husband 5 years ago. Children were then 16, 7 and 5. Divorce was amicable - after almost 20 years we were able to agree that it was no longer what we wanted.
I remarried, someone I knew at the time but no relationship until after split. exH didn't. He is 15 years older than me so now 57.
I bought house with new partner 40 miles away. Shortly after this, exH lost his job and company car. Since that time he has of course paid nothing towards the kids. I'm very well off (good job and high earning DH) so don't press this at all.
Queue several years of driving children over to him to see him relatively regularly so they can have a good relationship with their dad.
About a year after the move, drove over with the kids to drop them off and found him drunk, middle Friday afternoon. Refused to leave children with him (which wasn't pleasant with him and children crying). Didn't know what to do so drove to his mother's house and told her what I had found. Agreed that the children could stay with her for the weekend and he could see them there.
He admitted to his family that weekend that he had a drink problem. This led to him spending far more time at his mother's house, she cleaned him up and stopped him drinking. He clearly found it comfortable there as he is now rarely at home.
So for past two or so years, children have been going to see him at his mothers'. His mother is 87 and he leaves her to do most things when they are there. She understandably then gets grumpy.
When they visit, I ask two things. I ask that they are given a decent breakfast not containing sugar as this is something we do at home (no coco pops etc) as the youngest gets severely constipated if he does't get fibre. I also ask that they go to bed at a reasonable hour so they don't come home exhausted and foul.
My daughter (now 13) feels that her grandmother doesn't like her. Both her younger and older brother agree that 'Nanna' treats here differently and even exH agrees, saying that she is operating under some odd idea that the youngest boy needs more encouragement.
I therefore arranged to 'sorry I have to....' deliver and pick them up from his house instead this weekend.
Last night they returned. They have been fed sugar puffs, allowed to stay up until 11 both nights and, the thing that got me the most, shared a bed with their father in the lounge (sofa bed) both nights like some giant sleep over.
My daughter is 13. She has gone through puberty. Sharing a bed with her brother and a 57 year old man who is her father is in my view not reasonable.
My son was so tired on the second night of this, he apparently got up in the middle of the night and took himself off to bed. Needless to say, on his return home he was exhausted, fell asleep in his dinner and was dreadful to get up this morning.
So - the point. I am fed up but my husband is even more fed up that we are the only ones trying to do the right thing. We and the 'bad' people who make them clean their teeth, eat properly, do their homework, go to bed on time. Their father is the fun one who ignores all the normal rules and undermines us - at our damn expense and trouble. There is a train which runs from where we live to where he lives and not once has he got on it to come and see them. If we don't get them to him, he doesn't see them.
I know he is the kids Dad, but over the past five years he hasn't acted like a Dad - and whilst I realise that the view may be unpopular - my DH has. He is the one who deals with the learning to ride a bike, bullying at school, arranging extra maths tuition, making sure their clean their teeth, helping elder son at uni, supporting me as I go through the usual ups and downs of parenthood.
My daughter doesn't want to go to her fathers. Mostly to be honest because she'd rather be with her friends like most teenagers but she is hurt by the way that her grandmother treats her. My youngest son loves it there. 'Daddy' treats him as very special, doesn't discipline and still babes him (to the point that he helps him get dressed at 11)
Am I being unreasonable to be so fed up - or is he being unreasonable in his behaviour. And, more importantly - what would you do?