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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH waking me up as I'm keeping him awake.

58 replies

SleepSleepSleep · 17/09/2012 07:11

I make a funny clicking sound in my sleep. It drives DH insane. It is not loud so doesn't wake him up but if he wakes up he cannot get back to sleep and gets cross and so wakes me up, I go back to sleep and start doing it again so he wakes me up, and repeat, repeat, repeat.
I feel bad for him. I have sleep problems myself and sometimes find it very difficult to sleep and know how awful it is. But on the other hand I can't help it and him repeatedly waking me just means that we are both shattered the next day. I am cross that he woke me so many times last night despite knowing that the night before I had a terrible nights sleep.
So as not to drip feed I have noticed this only happens on work nights. I think he feels under pressure to get his x amount of hours sleep in knowing he has to get up for work and this makes him react to the noise I am making, whereas on a Friday/Saturday night he just rolls over and goes back to sleep.
AWBU? And any idea where we go from here?

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepSleepSleep · 17/09/2012 10:43

I did used to feel really bad for him, but he spent 6 months in spare room when dd2 was born and frequently complained of sleeping badly, usually when he had stuff going on at work. Which made me think it's work stress that keeps him awake but my clicking gets the blame. It never happens when we are on holiday, so either I don't click then or he is relaxed and switched off and so sleeps better.

All the more reason for me to go to the GP. Then if it can be stopped at least he will stop blaming me for his bad sleep. And if it can't be stopped I guess we'll just have to make some sort of alternative arrangement for one of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepSleepSleep · 17/09/2012 10:46

Damn bamboo have you read my posts?

I have sleep problems myself. I know how it feels.

OP posts:
JodieHarsh · 17/09/2012 10:49

If you are keeping him awake it is your responsibility to either a) sort it out, or b) sleep elsewhere.

I feel most strongly about this. DH snores appallingly. We operate a 2 strikes and he's on the sofa policy. No need to have a row or a long discussion or have hurt feelings. The one causing the problem hops it.

JodieHarsh · 17/09/2012 10:49

(And it probably can be stopped - you can get tooth guard thingies, and it might be down to stress, which an be attended to....)

DamnBamboo · 17/09/2012 10:50

Yes I have read them.
My post was in response to yours of 10:22.

It's an unfortunate situation, it really is.

It's perfectly natural to have light sleep throughout the night, during which time you are semi-conscious. This is part of the natural sleep wake pattern.

Perhaps it's not loud enough to wake him from a deep sleep, but we aren't in a deep sleep all night.

I feel for you both, but unfortunately having been (being) in his situation, I really get why he gets cross about it.

GP to see if there's anything that can be done and then put other things in place if there's nothing a doctor can do.

GoldShip · 17/09/2012 10:51

I agree with Jodieharsh, you need to sort it out because it's your problem. See the GP. In the meantime tell him to get some decent earplugs that fit.

I used to click my jaw in my sleep and grind my teeth. Drove DP crazy. I wore a gum shield for a while.

Original poster
SleepSleepSleep · 17/09/2012 10:53

Just wondering to those of you who have husbands that snore, does it only keep you awake on work nights? Does their snoring not affect you when you are on holiday?
Much as I feel bad for him i do feel it is a little bit his issue as well, and he needs to tackle it as well. But I will do my bit.

OP posts:
Morloth · 17/09/2012 10:57

It doesn't bother me so much if I don't need to be up the next day.

But the freaking out about being woken up, know you have to be up in a couple of hours, then worrying about being awake, thinking about all the things you have to do, then hearing another snore (or click in your case), it provokes a terrifying response.

As I said, I have actually considered whether I should put the pillow over his face and push.

Thank goodness we have the option of the other room now, has at the very least saved our marriage and quite possibly DH's life.

JodieHarsh · 17/09/2012 10:58

Depends, Sleep. One little country break was ruined by his snoring (nowhere else to sleep), but not all holidays.

TBH I think it's a bit of a red herring going down the 'it happens at home but not on holiday' route because it could be pure coincidence, and it's unlikely yo've kept an accurate enough record to know one way or the other.

And honestly- I feel sorry for you, I really do - but it's not his issue. It's yours. You are keeping him awake. You have NO idea the frustration and anger of being tired to the bones and the person who loves you and should look after you is keeping you from getting the rest you desperately need. DH and I are pretty much the happiest married couple I know, with barely ever a cross word, and I swear to God there were times I shrieked at him like a banshee.

It's you problem, it's your teeth, you are ruining his sleep. In the nicest possible way, sort it out and stop trying to make the poor weary bugger share the blame.

JodieHarsh · 17/09/2012 10:59

Morloth though I obviously wouldn't want to wish it on someone else I'm glad there's someone else who at 3am, weeping with rage and tiredness, has actually considered husbandicide Grin

Morloth · 17/09/2012 10:59

You don't so much need to feel sorry for him, but be aware that this is a real problem and he isn't behaving rationally quite possibly because he can't.

GoldShip · 17/09/2012 11:00

Thats irrelevant anyway. Obviously it's going to be easier to deal with and be more tolerant to if you know you don't have to get up early

DamnBamboo · 17/09/2012 11:00

Why are you trying to make him take part-blame for this? I don't get it?
You are emitting a noise that prevents him from falling asleep.

Original poster
SleepSleepSleep · 17/09/2012 11:01

Ok well am going to GP. I do agree with the bit about trying to solve my issue, I just hope there is something they can do, it isn't my teeth or my jaw grinding it feels like something in my windpipe.

If the clicking is removed from the situation and his sleep does not improve then at least he won't be able to blame me.

OP posts:
Morloth · 17/09/2012 11:01

I actually wear a tooth splint now for the grinding I do in my sleep, because apparently I am always on the edge of proper deep sleep and rarely get there, I was crushing my teeth.

I adore my DH and his being sorry about it almost makes it worse. He has done the sleep clinics and all the rest of it, there is nothing wrong, he just snores.

PropositionJoe · 17/09/2012 11:01

If we are on holiday then I shove him more to stop him snoring, because I feel less bad about waking him than when I know he has to get up and go to work. When we are at home I go to the spare room, I don't wake him. No point both of us being awake. If I get fed up, I start out in the spare room and have a lovely peaceful night in my own king size bed.

LadyInDisguise · 17/09/2012 11:03

Well I don't agree it's just the OP's problem. I actually think it's her DH tbh.

So here is the situation:

  • OP's DH sleeps badly and wakes up regularly during the night (Not the OP's fault.)
  • OP's DH only wakes up during the week not on hols or during the week end.

This points out to the fact that he has a sleep issue, probably linked with stress and he needs to sort it out.

  • Once awake, he gets annoyed by the clicking noise. Annoying yes, just as it can be annoying to hear a mosquito but tbh yo do learn to sleep through it so why not in that case (I am assuming here it is a small noise as the OP said not similar to loud snoring which is much more difficult to forget).
Again, I get the feeling he is getting annoyed because he is awake, the noise annoys him even more which stops him from sleeping again. What would happen if the noise wasn't from the OP's but a random noise from the street? What would he do then?
  • He thinks it's OK to wake the OP because ... he is awake? she is annoying him for something she has no control about? As a revenge? When someone is snoring, changing position can help stop the snoring but is tat the case of the OP? Is changing position helping or is it just that the nose stops when she is awake so ... she should be awake long enough for him to go back to sleep?

Now tbh, I think a trip to the GP is a good idea but I can't help and wonder what is going to happen if the GP can't do anything about it highly likely. What then, is the OP is bearing the whole responsibility or is it time to think about finding solutions instead? Together.

Hammy02 · 17/09/2012 11:03

My DP makes an odd clicking noise too. It is caused by him being thirsty so he just has a drink of water and it goes.

JodieHarsh · 17/09/2012 11:04

Fortunately we are about to have a massive lifechange which will almost certainly help DH (he gained about 2 stone in the last few years working night shifts as a cop and he's leaving the police) so I'm hoping all this will be over.

Sleep you don't seem to actually care about your DH, that's the slightly odd thing. You care more about being left alone/being absolved from blame than about his wellbeing Confused

Morloth · 17/09/2012 11:05

It is revenge Lady, that is pretty much exactly what I am thinking of at 3am. Revenge.

GoldShip · 17/09/2012 11:05

Sleep Ive just remembered there was someone on Embarrasing Bodies with a similar problem, but it effected her talking too. She clicked whistled when she talked. They did think it had something to do with her windpipe.

TheCalmingManatee · 17/09/2012 11:05

oh, it would drive me nuts (the clicking that is) and i have to say, id prod DP too. Not defending your DH because he shouldn't be waking you all night but i really see his point of view. AND yours!

Earplugs yes
GP definately - it could be that the clicking you are doing is an indication that you are not having a good night sleep anyway so will be contributing to your tiredness. It IS a serious medical issue if it is affecting your sleep and even without your DH waking you, it probably is. Go to the GP and don't be palmed off with him/her telling you to get your DH some ear plugs, ask for a referral to a sleep specialist.

Original poster
SleepSleepSleep · 17/09/2012 11:06

I am not trying to part blame him for the noise. He spent 6 months in the spare room when dd2 was born and he continued to have many, many disturbed nights, he gets very wound up about work. I have said all of this.
So therefore I think even if I was suffocated with a pillow one night (which seems a possibility Smile) he would still have sleep problems.

OP posts:
LadyInDisguise · 17/09/2012 11:07

Revenge has never ever solved any problem though.

janeyjampot · 17/09/2012 11:08

I make a clicking noise too. When I was at boarding school people used to complain about it but DH seems not to mind - at least, we've been married 16 years and he's only mentioned it a couple of times. For me it's caused by breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth - the click is the palate moving to accommodate the change, I think.

It's not easy to change your behaviour when you're asleep, though...

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