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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect him to remember

37 replies

goldenwispa · 16/09/2012 18:21

Hi all,
Not a good day for me today. My dad passed away 9 years ago today. It's also me mams birthday and she is also no longer with us. Feel a bit down and weepy OH didn't know why. AIBU to expect him to remember? When its his mams anniversary/birthday/mothers day I always remember to be extra thoughtful towards him along with getting flowers for the grave and putting a notice in the newspaper and generally try to cheer him up. I just want him to remember and give me a cuddle Xx

OP posts:
GoldShip · 16/09/2012 18:24

Aww OP :( so sorry for your loss. Anniversary of deaths are always down days aren't they!

I don't think you're unreasonable, but neither is he. My DP doesn't remember my dads death day. but he's great and remembering birthdays and our anniversary so I let it slide. Obviously it's important but things like that don't stick in some people's memories as well

X

Original poster
goldenwispa · 16/09/2012 18:26

Ah he doesn't remember our anniversary either......he does remember my birthday but it being on Christmas eve helps I suppose Xx

OP posts:
Sirzy · 16/09/2012 18:27

Some people just arent good with remembering dates, I would have told him why you weren't happy and then he would have had the chance to help comfort you

ChitchatAtHome · 16/09/2012 18:27

YANBU to want him to remember. YABU to not give him the heads up.

Sorry, I can't be doing with this 'Wah, nobody remembered this particular day of mine' business. I have a friend like that and refuse to apologise when she gets miffed. If she wants to play that silly game, then she'll be the one who gets hurt when people forget.

ChitchatAtHome · 16/09/2012 18:28

And sorry, op, it really must have been a difficult day for you.

LindyHemming · 16/09/2012 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
goldenwispa · 16/09/2012 18:29

He's not a friend tho, he's my DH chitchat Xx

OP posts:
ChitchatAtHome · 16/09/2012 18:30

My DH learned a long time ago not to play that game!!!

Sirzy · 16/09/2012 18:31

That still doesn't mean he can always remember dates though. I don't always remember the anniversaries of my grandparents deaths but when my parents mention it then I am able to sympathise/visit graves etc with them

Original poster
goldenwispa · 16/09/2012 18:32

Why does he not be proactive and try to remember tho? Xx

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/09/2012 18:32

I am dreadful for remembering anniversaries, and birthdays. They just dont register with me.

YABU and unfair to not let him know the relevance of the date and the poor sod is blindly wondering why you are unhappy. Be fair with him.

glorifiedtramp · 16/09/2012 18:32

I know I'll get flamed here but in my experience, women are just better at this sort of thing. I know that's no excuse, and it would be nice if he had remembered but I don't think you can be angry with him.
Try and treat yourself tonight if you can, even if it's just feet up and a wee glass of wine. Hugs.

Original poster
goldenwispa · 16/09/2012 18:33

Chitchat, what do you mean? X

OP posts:
Original poster
goldenwispa · 16/09/2012 18:35

Glorified - no glasses of wine am tandem feeding but may treat myself to a whole box of biscuits lol Xx

OP posts:
Ephiny · 16/09/2012 18:35

There's no way I would remember a date like that, I wouldn't 'make the effort' because it honestly wouldn't occur to me that I was supposed to.

YANBU to be feeling a bit upset if it's a sad day for you, but you should tell him if you want his support, he is probably wondering what's wrong.

Original poster
goldenwispa · 16/09/2012 18:38

Ephiny-he always forgets and has promised to remember next time, but never does. He misses his mam like mad and I always make a big deal. Maybe I shouldn't bother in future?? X

OP posts:
Kayano · 16/09/2012 18:40

I wouldn't remember that date. My mum is always telling me she wil struggle
On xx date because grandad does that day. She reminds me a week before and we arrange to go to the grave together

I don't get the whole 'no one remembered' thing either. If something is important I generally discuss it at other times too

squeakytoy · 16/09/2012 18:40

Why not put a calendar up in the kitchen, and fill in the relevant dates.

I dont remember the date my Mum died. It was only 4 years ago, but it isnt a date I choose to celebrate or really think about. Equally I dont remember the date my Dad died either other than it was on Fathers Day.

I know my MILs birthday is on the 8 or 9 of April, but I can never remember exactly and always have to check.

Not remembering dates does not mean you do not care though.

EssexGurl · 16/09/2012 18:41

I put everything of any importance on the calendar. Everyone in my family knows that if it is not on the calendar it is not happening. Same with birthdays / anniversaries. Try that in future if you want him to remember stuff!

WelshMaenad · 16/09/2012 18:43

I make a specific effort not to remember 'death dates' if I can help it. I prefer to celebrate birthdays with memories of happy times with my loved ones.

ChitchatAtHome · 16/09/2012 18:43

What do I mean? I mean getting all upset with me because I didn't remember something, but not telling me what it was that I was supposed to have remembered until it was too late!!

If he wants my support, then he will have to remind me of things occasionally.

A simple 'I think I'm going to find tomorrow difficult, given that it's mum's birthday and anniversary of dad's death' would have meant that YOU had support today. Instead, by not telling him you've had no support today, and you are extra upset because you feel he should have remembered. It's 'cutting your nose off to spite your face' with a very painful issue.

Baskets45 · 16/09/2012 18:46

My DH doesn't even remember his own dad's birthdate (he died when dh was 12). He recently found his dad's birth certificate and was surprised to see his DOB. Thing is men don't recall dates like that.

YANBU to feel sad because you do find the date significant and feel the losses in your life. But IME you'd have to explain this, each year Wink , and even then it's quite possible you'd not get the response you wanted. I'd just ask for a cuddle if that's what you want, and do whatever makes you feel better to remember your parents.

diddl · 16/09/2012 18:48

YaBU to expect him to remember imo.

But then I´m another whose crap with dates.

He noticed there was something wrong-so tell him why!

LindyHemming · 16/09/2012 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsVestibule · 16/09/2012 18:53

Sorry, but YABU. I really do get that you think he should make a special effort to remember a date that's so important to you - but he just doesn't.

So you can either continue making it an issue every year (presumably) and making what is already a difficult day even worse, or you can do as Chitchat suggests and remind him the day before and hope he steps up to the mark and supports you.

He misses his mam like mad and I always make a big deal. Maybe I shouldn't bother in future?? If you want to play tit-for-tat on such an important issue, that's your call. It may make him realise that it's not nice to forget important anniversaries, or he may feel upset that you remembered but ignored it.