To have removed my DS's privilages and treats for a week?

[ilovetermtime]

Or should I have done more?

my parents have just been round to visit and my 7, almost 8, year old DS was incredibily rude to them.
He was out playing with friends when I told him to come in and talk to grandma and grandpa. He said he didn't want to (obviously because he was playing), so I told him that he only had to for 5 mins and then he could go back out. He then put on a stroppy face and when my dad asked him what the face was for he told them it was because he didn't want to talk to them, so I (rather stupidly) asked him why not, to which he replied, because I don't like them, they're stupid (can I just add that at this point my dad said, well you're stupid too - which wasn't helpful imo).
I should point out that he's been this way with them everytime he sees them for a while now. Sometimes I sympathise with him (I find them difficult), and maybe he's picked up on this?

Anyway, the upshot is, I've taken away all treats (crisps, cake, etc) and privilages ( TV, computer, cd player etc) for a week.

What do you reckon? Is this enough? And any suggestions for improving their relationship are happily received :)

I think that's over the top myself. Are they not kind or fun for him to be around? If they were then surely he'd WANT to see them?

Quite harsh OP, I think you've over reacted and I'm quite strict on manners.

I would not have let him go back out to play. End of.

YANBU, I think the punishment is appropriate. He needs to learn that is not an acceptable way to talk to one's grandparents.

An odd response from the grandfather though

Wow, that's an extreme punishment. What he said was extremely rude and bad mannered and needs a stern response, but a whole week?!

A bit excessive I think.

I too would have kept him in for the rest of the day and early to bed.

You find them difficult..he is probably picking up on this and doesn't see why he should stop doing something fun to talk to them...do they make no effort?

Dd only sees PIL at Christmas when she has to whereas ds likes to go and stay with him. They have a relationship, whereas dd has worked out he is a bit of a bully and misogynist.

Sounds about right especially as he has done something similar before. I would also make him write a short apology to them. I would probably allow him to earn back some of his privileges by doing chores.

I don't think it's that excessive, there is no excuse for being that rude and disrespectful.

On the other hand, if I knew my ds didn't want to have to see a family member that they don't particularly like, then I would have prepped them well before hand and told him that if he wasn't polite then he would lose his privelidges, so he woudo have known what to expect.

its difficult, if you have expressed an agreement about finding them difficult, then its not really fair to punish him for saying it out loud. You need to explain to hi. We all have to speak to and pass the time of day with people we would prefer not to and sometimes we would rather do other things. Unfortunately that's life.
He was incredibly impolite. I would not have let him back out and perhaps an additional days grounding. But not removal of everything for a week.

Thanks everyone for your replies, and apologies for disappearing, my battery went.

I think I will let him earn back his privilages - through good manners and behaviours - as usual is right, it doesn't solve his behaviour does it?

if he's picking up on my attitude to them, do you think it's best to sit him down and fully explain how they're my parents and so I have a different relationship with them than he should have? Or is he too young and I'll have to try and give the impression that I don't feel like killing them half the time?!

They didn't help the matter either, as when he said that he didn't want to talk to them, my mum said that it was ok because they didn't want to talk to him either. So then when I was telling him off he said that what he'd said didn't matter because they didn't want to talk to him either. I then had to explain passive-aggression to him.

Oh, and I have spoken to him as recently as last week about his attitude with them and warned him he'd be in serious trouble if he was rude to them again.

Sorry to drip feed...

A week is too much for a kid that young. But at the same time he does need to learn the importance of being polite even if you don't like someone.

Massive over reaction. That behaviour would've earned a ' Remember your manner young man or you'll come in and not go out again!'

YANBU IMO

I don't think that's extreme. It doesn sound like he may have picked something up from you so you might want to be more careful around him in future

I don't think withdrawing all these priviledges is such a good idea. But neither is being rude to older people. He isn't too young to learn than we can't always do what we want and being polite to older people is important whether he likes them or not.

I would not have let him go back out with his friends. If he had kicked off at that I would have sent him to his room. Short and sharp, not removal of privileges for a week.

It sounds to me as though your parents are the problem. If by this point they haven't built up a loving relationship with him, it is their fault

Of course he shouldn't be rude to them (or to anyone else), but you should have prepared him for their visit, and possibly explained for the 100th time that his GPs might be a bit cranky and difficult, but that it is important to be kind to them (etc etc).

I don't think punishment helps situations like this. If a relationship between your son and his GPs is important to you, you need to set them up for success (plan really fun activities for them to share, get your parents involved in doing something special with your son, make their visits lovely occasions in some way). If your parents are a real pain, you just need to help him understand that even when people are difficult, we have to be nice to them, (then protect him from them as much as possible).

I dont think the punishment is harsh for the behaviour, However I do think you created the whole situation.

it could have been handled alot better, I personaly would not have called him in there and then, I would have waited untill he came in and allowed a natural exchange between them. He probably felt under duress to have some converstaion when he probably did not have much tp say.

If he didnt come in I would have given him a 5 min call before he had to come in and then at least got him sitting down with a drink etc with his GPs. seems a bit odd to force him to come and talk to his GPs.

If they wanted to talk to him why didnt they go out and say hello to him.

I don't understand how your father had the opportunity to make his rather unfortunate remark.

Surely any 7/8 year old who speaks to an adult in those terms should be whisked off to bedroom before any further dialogue takes place.

Actually, I'm not sure why I specified 'adult' it is rude to anyone.

YANBU

To my mind you were a bit harsh in the way you handled it so have to take some small % responsibility for the way things escalated. Sharp remarks by grandies would amuse me, they gave as good as they got, didn't they?

So I think the punishment is somewhat excessive given you could have handled him more sensitively. Of course an 8yo boy finds it hard to break off fun play with his mates, and speak to grumpy grandies instead.

I don't think that it was extreme. At that age children know what is acceptable and what is rude.

I would probably have done the same thing, but after 3 or 4 days as long as he doesn't misbehave again would reduce to "time served", but as long as the behaviour in the interim was exemplary - and would make sure that he knew any further acting up would mean it was reinstated.

you only asked him to come in for five minutes to say hello. the least he could have done was to be polite, I think removing privileges for the week would have been enough punishment and not allow him back out for being rude.