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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still be screening what my 11 year old is reading?

51 replies

Piskeydust · 16/09/2012 00:32

11 yr old DS is quite a complex creature, has quite an odd perception of the world, has an obsession with war, violence, and occasionally has nightmares.. He remembers and obsesses over strange details, his physical reading ability is pretty good, but his comprehension is quite bad.
He's just started secondary school and he's loaned a book called 'World in Flames' - World war 2 at sea. Ive taken it from him this evening, with the reasoning of it not being ideal for bedtime as he only had a war nightmare a few weeks ago. He's also asked if he's allowed to loan out the 'young adult' labelled books, and ive told him i'll talk to a teacher about what may be appropiate and let him know...
When i was his age i think i was pretty much 'off the riegns' with the exception of magazines, but i really dont think he's ready for this kind of freedom.. and i used to always believe if you were capable of reading it and were interested, why shouldnt you? But i just really dont think my DS is ready for some of the things he might be interested in... am i being unreasonable to continue to screen his reading material?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 16/09/2012 00:40

Normally I would say let them read what they want, but if it is giving him nightmares, then YANBU to censor it this way.

Peeenut · 16/09/2012 00:57

My parents brought me up with an "off the reigns" attitude and that's the same principle I've adopted with my own. I do keep an eye on what they're reading and would step in if needed.

YANBU

floweryblue · 16/09/2012 00:57

Was your reading restricted?

My sister and I were allowed to read anything in the house, as it turned out we gravitated to what was 'our age' and in our family. My sister was such a big reader that she had read every book in her primary school before she left. On 1 Jan 1984, she sat down and read 1984, cover to cover, aged 11, on the day. DP, aged 44, took 6 months. I've just re-read it and took me about two weeks!

I would say, let DS read what he wants, if he enjoys reading it can only do good for him in the long term, just keep a quiet eye on it and restrict/manage the more extreme material, in exactly the way you would manage his computer usage.

manicinsomniac · 16/09/2012 01:16

Well, you know your son better than anyone but, for most kids, I'd say 11 was old enough to be reading what they like and the WWII at sea book sounds the perfect stimulus for a boy that age.

lovebunny · 16/09/2012 01:21

hmm. i think eleven is quite young. you might want to be careful about what they see, read and have contact with at that age.

perhaps he could start monitoring himself a little, and learn how to manage his imagination the way you are managing it for him?

CaliforniaLeaving · 16/09/2012 01:23

Probably a good idea to take it away before bedtime, not really light reading if he gets bad dreams.
I was off reign at that age like many others, and at his age was working my way though Mums book shelves in her room when she found me reading Valley of the Dolls, so she started to vet the books before I started them. She knew what I liked and brought me home lots of things from the books meant for adults, not kids, I went through them too fast.

nooka · 16/09/2012 01:59

I don't vet my children's reading (they are 13 and just turned 12) but I do read a lot of the same books so that we can discuss issues raised and I can talk to them if I think there are dodgy subtexts (like when dd read Twilight).

dd did get nightmares when she read Catching Fire at bedtime (probably not helped by me forgetting to come in and turn her light off). She decided on her own not to read books she thought might be scary or upsetting just before bed.

Can you talk to your ds about what he might find a bit too much before bed and get him to learn to regulate for himself?

Leena49 · 16/09/2012 03:34

My dd has been reading about vampires since she was 10! Now thankfully she is broadening her tastes. I have always thought well at least she is reading. She is 13 now and very good company it hasn't affected her in any way. She did used to have the odd nightmare but we all do don't we?

deakymom · 16/09/2012 04:20

well i still do tend to check what my daughter is reading im glad i did as i read the last twilight book and decided she is not reading it as there was far too much aggressive sexual content in there she has already had a bad experience with someone trying to groom her she gets very upset about sexual education and i did not think it was appropriate for her to read about it especially with her therapy ongoing its just not right for her ive allowed her to read older books as she has such a high reading age even allowed her to read some of mine as its the sexual content that disturbs her not anything else i think it depends on the child and if your even doubting whether they should read a book at bedtime then it usually means they should not be reading the book at bedtime x

Leena49 · 16/09/2012 04:24

Full stops! Capital letters? Commas?

WofflingOn · 16/09/2012 06:13

I knew what my children were reading and I'd talk about tricky content and issues with them. I would also still keep an eye on what they were choosing, in the same way that I was careful about DVDs. They usually chose things that were appropriate and sometimes very challenging, but I didn't have a problem with saying 'This has XYZ in it, and I don't think you are ready for that just yet because...'
Never was a problem, I saw being a guide as part of the job.

Proudnscary · 16/09/2012 07:19

Some briiliant answers here, I agree with reading the same books and also forewarning your child 'this has XYZ scene' in it etc.

My ds is nearly 11. He can be very affected/have nightmares over books so I still vet them.

I think that's ok - we vet movies and video games so why not books?

Other kids his age read scary books or watch older movies but he's an individual and is a bit of a scaredy cat who can't even watch Doctor Who unable to himself at the mo.

pigletmania · 16/09/2012 07:24

You are right to censor his reading if it causes him nightmares, he is still a child and much in the same way you would censor the films he watches or computer games he plays.

pigletmania · 16/09/2012 07:26

You would not let your child read about serial killers would you?

seeker · 16/09/2012 07:29

Interesting. Do the non censorers let the children watch 18 films or play 18 video games?

Peggotty · 16/09/2012 07:32

I had an obsession with the 2nd world war and the Holocaust in particular when I was 11 - my mum was aware I think but didn't stop me reading/watching things to do with it. I'm not sure if she perhaps should have been a bit more restrictive as a lot of it was very disturbing to say the least! I've no idea what sparked my interest but it did pass and I went on to do a degree in English lit (not sure if that's relevant but...). Plus I'm relatively 'normal' despite my strange interests as an 11 yo .

Peggotty · 16/09/2012 07:33

P.s I have a very sensitive dd and I think I will be vetting things she reads/watches til she's about 18!!!

WofflingOn · 16/09/2012 07:38

It's not an outright ban, it's a discussion as to why something might not be suitable. But I did have the final say!
I have some stuff on my shelves that wouldn't be acceptable reading for an 11 year old both fact and fiction. Both of mine are excellent readers and still read for enjoyment on a daily basis, despite being teenagers.

exoticfruits · 16/09/2012 08:01

I would have made sure that if my mother censored my reading I would have kept it secret! Much better to know and be able to discuss it. I was a very well behaved, biddable child but it always gives me a wry smile that parents think you will just fit in with whatever they think and you don't have friends who will lend you things.

exoticfruits · 16/09/2012 08:02

I am perfectly sure that my mother wouldn't have liked some of the books that went around the class!

exoticfruits · 16/09/2012 08:03

I also loved the problem pages in women's magazines when I was about 10 or 11yrs.

greenhill · 16/09/2012 08:19

I was given a lot of leeway in my reading choices by my parents, but the local librarian still supervised / made alternative suggestions when I'd chosen something too old/ upsetting. She was trusted by my parents to steer me in the right direction.

If your DS is susceptible to an over-active imagination/ nightmares, it might be worth reading what he wants to try, then either vetoing it until he is older or having a chat about the content beforehand.

YANBU as you have to deal with the consequences of his obsessing over strange details. As his parent, it is your job to protect him from himself sometimes! As you say his reading ability is good, it is the comprehension that can sometimes be bad.

meditrina · 16/09/2012 08:27

Well if he wants to go and be a librarian to loan out books, and you've agreed to talk to the school about him taking on this role, I think it's inevitably going to mean he is "off the reins" fir his access to books there will outstrip anything you can monitor at home.

And I think being a school librarian is one of the best activities schools offer, and like you I'd be very supportive. Especially if he's reading history books. I wouldn't be in a hurry to tag an occasional nightmare to a specific book.

WofflingOn · 16/09/2012 08:31

Most school libraries vet the content of the books they have on the shelves.
So that's a level of filtering to begin with.

Original poster

Piskeydust · 16/09/2012 12:38

There is a wonderful mix of reponses here - which i anticipated.. Im quite keen on the suggestions of helping him to regulate his own reading, he does to a certain extent, proclaiming there was book x or y that he wanted to pick but didnt think id approve of.
His choices worry me. If he thought he could 'get away with it' he'd quite happily read about serial killers! He has some Horrible Histories books and CDs which he likes to listen to quite often.
I do pre-read some materials he brings back and then subtley discuss with him as he reads himself, to correct any of his rather odd and sometimes scary perceptions on things, but im about to have DC2 and as DS enters into 'The Kevin Years' i guess im just worried about how long i can keep this up - not just the pre-reading, but like some have pointed out, the fact that im not going to be master of his universe all that much longer!
When i was his age, or perhaps a year or two older i developed a taste for adult reading (adult murder mysteries, the occassional giggle at the mills and boon section in the town library, and the tamer teen Point Horror books) but i took it to a different place in my head, i didnt fret or obsess over the things i read.. DS doesnt get outwardly scared in a way thats slightly easier to deal with and talk about, i think he fights inwardly between fear and excitement.. Its difficult to describe.. and he's always felt his emotions in extremes..
I guess what im ultimately saying is my Gut tells me he isnt emotionally ready yet to take on the sole role of vetting his own reading, but my Guilt says how dare i be so contradictive of what has been my view until now?
I think i shall follow my gut, after all, as some of you say, i wouldnt be letting him sit down to a game of Call of Duty or somesuch - why shouldnt books be on my radar too..

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