AIBU not to give money to a friend in need? (bit long sorry)

[Sewlong]

Long story short, I have a friend who I have known for a long long time, we are very close. She is absolutely lovely but terrible with money. She was in a highly paid job til quite recently but never managed to save anything, has loads of old debts etc.

Recently she has broken up with her partner (no DC) and is out of work. She is overdue on her rent and struggling to afford food and travel, can't pay phone bill etc. This happens every couple of years (because she never puts money aside when she's working) and then usually she will find some work at the last minute. But obviously right now we're in a recession so the work she's after is thin on the ground.

I feel really sorry for her and part of me wants to help her out, give her some money to tide her over (we are not wealthy but have some savings). But there are a few things stopping me. Firstly I "lent" her quite a large sum of money many years ago in a similar situation and it has never been paid back. Secondly she has not done several basic things to help herself which I would in a similar situation - she has not signed on/applied for HB (she's self employed which I know complicates matters), and she is only applying for a few highly paid jobs in her field (rather than getting any temp job/bar work/Tesco etc to tide her over). Thirdly I know that unless she gets to grip with her finances, even if I help her out this time then she'll end up in the same situation. I also know that although she would say (and mean) that she would pay me back, realistically any money I give her would soon be swallowed up by her debts and she'd be back at square one. I have advised her to go to CAB to look at her options and look at other options (like moving back with her parents) but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

So. I am wondering how to best help her. She hasn't asked for money although I know she would accept it gratefully if I offered. So AIBU not to offer because she is a grown woman who needs to get a grip on her own finances. Or should I just bung her some money and accept that it might not help at all?

YANBU

I don't think offering money in this situation would help at all...well not for more than a couple of weeks anyway.

You can only support her emotionally imo and offer advice on benefits and widening her job search.

It's nice you want to help her out, but you're right that it won't solve anything and just make her feel the way she's going on is OK.

Let her work through it on her own, she's bound to cotton on at some point.

YANBU.

The best way to help is not to help her. Cruel as that sounds.

You dont mention any children, and also say that she could go back to her parents, so there IS a last resort for her there.

If you bail her out again, she is just going to expect it, and never sort things for herself.

Offering money won't help her longer than this week's rent etc and it may cause long-term damage to your friendship.

You sound like a really nice friend. Be there to listen, ask her round for dinner, but let her solve this one herself. She's a big girl now.

Being self employed doesn't comicate matters at all, I signed in when I was se but had no work coming in.

YANBU not to give her money - you know that won't really help her out. Could you do things like invite her round for dinner (so she gets a good meal) instead of handing over cash?

Yanbu.

You've helped her out once and she's landed up in a mess again. I really do believe some people need to hit a bit of a rock bottom for them to realise that the people around them won't always be there to bail them out.

You can be an emotional support as a friend, but don't even consider offering her any money. It won't benefit her or you.

Thanks everyone. Part of me feels like a heartless cow but I know it's being cruel to be kind etc.

First thing she should do as at least make apt at job centre and get any benefits she is entitled to to act as a buffer. For all her shortcomings with money, it seems like she must be reasonably switched on and good at what she does so no doubt she will be back in work soon. This is what benefits are for, to tide people over who find themselves temporarily out of work. If she then gets a job she tells jc, payments stop, but if that work falls through she can do a rapid reclaim and go back on it again.

Offering money is no solution as she chooses to fritter it away. You would never see it again. She is perfectly capable of paying her own way but might need some help with budgeting. Can you buy her a few books - alvin hall or other money advice book. Talk to her about signing on and budgeting.

definitely don't offer or give money, or any kind of financial support (eg food parcels) that might lead to your feeling obliged and her feeling entitled, or allows her to feel that her financial position is something you take responsibility for.

I agree with everyone else, YANBU. You would just be enabling her. She clearly needs to make some other changes in her life and bailing her out short-term will only allow her to keep going the way she has been up to now, which hasn't really been working out too well!

Give her the details of a debt service that will help her through.

This is a great one

www.capuk.org/home/index.php

YANBU.

The fact that she never paid you back before would be reason enough for me. That's not the behaviour of a friend.

I agree with Megan74. You have lent her a substantial amount in the past and never had it back. Once bitten, twice shy as far as I would be concerned. If she gets round to asking for money, refuse and give that reason.

Don't lend her the money.

I have a friends who are very similar, and tbh, they drive me slightly round the twist with it all.

He earns around what my husband does, her income is less than mine, and fluctuates a little, but they still live with his Dad, so pay minimal rent, no bills, buy the shopping only twice a month, have no kids etc.

In the past, I've lent them money - and eventually had to agree to them paying it off by babysitting, because they were never actually going to give me the cash.

The thing is, that one instance seems to have opened the flood gates on the topic of finances, and now it's all I ever hear about! It's hurting the friendship because I'm not a fan of people who are willfully useless, and then whinge about it, and that's exactly what they've become. She moans at me endlessly about not being able to afford to move out, not having any money for their wedding next year, not being able to do anything or go anywhere, or go on holiday, but refuses to budget. It's all 'oh, that wouldn't work because....' and even more galling 'well, we're not all well-off like you!' One minute, they're 'in shit street' to quote them, behind with everything, phones cut off, no petrol money, then literally a week later, they're buying hundred pound bits for their hobbies each. The idea of sitting down, working out what has to be paid each month and saving is completely lost on them!

don't lend her money, on the basis that she made no effort to repay the last lot when she was working and earning.

If she is skint, she should get her benefits sorted and start selling stuff on ebay to make ends meet - like the rest of us!

The fact that you lent money once and never got it back once she was earning again would put me off, she clearly just wants someone to do the hard work for her.

It'd be different for a friend who had no other help available and was unable to claim benefits, or was about to be made homeless with children - your friend just can't be arsed.

I wouldn't and my main reason would be that you have kindly lent her a large sum in the past and she hasn't paid you it back! That's not something a friend would do. I wouldn't ask to borrow money in the first place but if I did I'd move heaven and earth to get it paid back.

Let your friend learn from her mistakes. Don't bail her out.

Don't do it.

YANBU. It wouldn't help her to bail her out again and it sounds like she's a bottomless pit. She needs to grow up and take responsibility for herself.

Agree with everyone who says don't do it, we lent a friend whose marriage had broken down a considerable sum of money for a deposit & advance rent on a new home so they could move out, they promised to pay it back by doing 'odd jobs' for us (which we really needed doing) - it never happened and has really soured the friendship. They don't even seem embarressed about it & we see him out and about with new iphone etc etc.

I have a rule ( learned from many mistakes over the years ) which is never lend to friends or family.

If you can afford it and want to then by all means give a gift. Perhaps not money but something in kind-offering to cover the costs of something/ pay a bill.

I too have lost friends over relatively small sums which I wish I had just written off. I went on to feel resentful when someone I had loaned money to went off on holiday/ bought expensive clothes. It poisoned what had been a good friendship.

Yanbu

Don't give her money.