Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be completely and utterly confused about what my boyfriend is trying to tell me?

28 replies

MyGodMyHead · 15/09/2012 16:35

Posted this in relationships but I guess I'm ready for the wrath of AIBU.

Been together about 4 months. See each other 3/4 times a week, we always have a great time together whether we're out or just sat watching a movie. BUT he's always been a hot/cold type person ever since we met. He'll be all lovey dovey one minute and cool as a cucumber the next. I have tried so hard to just chill out about it but the truth is, I never know where I am with him and it's so hard because I have developed strong feelings for him.

It all came to a head last night. We're in bed and he asked how I think things are going between us. I say great, everything is fine - how do you feel?
He then says "yeah, all ok - as you know I have other stuff going on right now and issues I need to sort out of my own but we're ok". This immediately makes me think "shit, that doesn't sound good!" so I call him up on it. This triggers a bizarre conversation where he says he doesn't want to say he loves me as it's a word that shouldn't be thrown around so early in a relationship - however he does love me ??? Hmm he was worried that I might have tried to rush things in the beginning but now I haven't - he's worried that he's not 100% over his divorce (2 years ago) but he wants me to give him time - I ask if he wants to postpone meeting my kids (scheduled for next weekend) and he says no, he wants to meet them now. I ask if he wants me to give him space - he says no, definitely not. I ask if he wants to slow things down, he says no, don't talk like that.

This morning I woke up thinking WTF is going on??? Would anyone else feel as confused about this as I am?
I feel like I should detach from him. I don't want to split with him completely but I need to detach for my own sanity. To be fair he was a bit drunk when talking last night but it does represent sober chats we have had also.

I gave him the choice - he doesn't want to take things slower, he doesn't want space and he doesn't want to split. Is it just me?? Have I got the wrong end of the stick somewhere or read too much into it?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 15/09/2012 16:39

He says he loves you, he doesnt want to split, and he doesnt want to slow things down... so I really cant see what end of any stick you have got either?

It all sounds quite normal to me. He sounds like he is being as honest as he can with you, and although he didnt want to get serious so quickly, he has fallen in love with you and is scaring himself a bit, but is happy with it.

WorraLiberty · 15/09/2012 16:40

Maybe he's trying to say he doesn't want to move in with you and the kids and he's afraid that you're thinking this might be the next step?

I don't know.

ProphetOfDoom · 15/09/2012 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cheekybarsteward · 15/09/2012 16:44

Sounds confusing, I would delay meeting your dcs until you feel more secure. That might help him to clarify things a little better? I would have read that he still has feelings for his x. Surely you should be in the exciting stage where you shouldn't have to worry about insecurities?

Original poster
MyGodMyHead · 15/09/2012 16:45

He was the one that mentioned moving in together a few weeks ago. I brought that up with him last night - one minute you're on about moving in together and the next you're acting like it's the last thing on your mind. He explained that we can't think about any of that until he's met the kids and we know everyone is going to get on. I suppose he has a point. Maybe it is just me.

I've met a few of his friends but only because we bump into them when we're out. He's told his kids about me and ages ago suggested that he introduce me to his mother but that's another thing that was never to be mentioned again.

He doesn't want me tagging him in anything facebook related either which is a bit odd imo.

OP posts:
lovebunny · 15/09/2012 16:46

he's dicking you around. leave him. tell him he can try again when he grows up, and you'll decide whether you're interested or not.

cheekybarsteward · 15/09/2012 16:56

I'm afraid after the tagging fb comment I agree with lovebunny (and with a name like that she knows what she is talking about).
seriously, he is blowing hot and cold And is not caring how that makes you feel. I would seriously cool things down and find myself a little 'busy' and if he is geniune you will soon find out. Good luck

Original poster
MyGodMyHead · 15/09/2012 17:05

Well last night we'd been out, got a bit drunk and took a few photos - I said to him "Am I ok to put these on facebook?" and he said "yeah, sure". I then said "So, I'm to tag you in stuff now?" (as previously he'd asked me not to as his kids didn't know about us) so he ummed and arred and said he wasn't really a fan of being tagged in anything on Facebook (to be fair, he very rarely is tagged in anything and he never actually posts statuses or anything). I didn't respond so he added "you can though, if you want".

So he's not saying I can't - just making it obvious he doesn't really want me to.

I was going to change my relationship status to "in a relationship" this weekend but with the way things are, I think I better hold back a bit Sad

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/09/2012 17:11

Well after only 4 months I really don't think moving in together should even be discussed, especially when there are children in the equation.

But perhaps that's just me.

RandomMess · 15/09/2012 17:14

Sounds like he is happy with the way things are and his heart wants to go ahead, move in etc etc but his head is telling him to be cautious after his previous marriage experience etc.

Either way he's being unkind blowing hot and cold.

squeakytoy · 15/09/2012 17:15

oh god.. forget about facebook... I am on there, but I dont like being tagged in photos either.. that is my personal choice, and he obviously isnt keen on it too, respect that..

It sounds reasonable a request to me..

HeathRobinson · 15/09/2012 17:17

What do you think ' issues I need to sort out of my own' means?

lightrain · 15/09/2012 17:17

Now you've explained the fb thing I don't think it's weird, my DH is a like that too with fb.

Sounds like he's just taking it as it comes, not rushing into anything but not not committing, as wanting to meet your kids etc. sounds like a normal bloke to me... I don't think he's trying to tell you anything.

purplewithred · 15/09/2012 17:20

Could you be overthinking this? And could your idea of togetherness be a bit smothering for him? Personally Im not into Facebook either and would object to being tagged; I expect to have personal stuff that I don't share with dp. Maye just chill a little bit and learn whether his idea of a healthy relationship is e same as yours.

lovebunny · 15/09/2012 17:29

I agree with lovebunny (and with a name like that she knows what she is talking about).

no, seriously, i don't! i'm lovebunny because lovebunnies didn't work, and when i looked at 'lovebunny' it gives such a false impression it made me laugh. i keep rabbits. four of. i love them!

but i can spot a user/creep when i hear about one. keep his pics off your facebook mygod, he's using you to hurt someone else.

lovebunny · 15/09/2012 17:30

gave, not gives.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 15/09/2012 17:41

The chap I'm dating has older children and I do not post on his wall or tag him in anything as the kids do not know about me and they would ask questions. I'm fine with that. He's not that bigger user of fb anyway. I wouldn't read too much into that.

I think you maybe over thinking things. Are you a worrier by nature?

Chrysanthemum5 · 15/09/2012 17:48

I think this has red flags on it! He talks about moving in, then says he doesn't want to say he loves you, oh but he then says he does love you. He's messing you around, and it will only get worse. Get rid, no relationship should be this much trouble after only four months.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 15/09/2012 17:55

I think he's letting you know he is happy with how things are just now and he is cautious and is asking you to be patient with him. I think I would accept this after only 4 months and a divorce only 2 years ago where children are involved. However I would allow it to rear its head again sometime in the future and if he has not moved on then you should reconsider if you both have the same ideas for the future.

I would ignore the FB thing as a personal preference though, lots of people are not fans of FB and its use. i would maybe ask about if, when and how he intends his children to be told about you. But lots of people also feel that children should not be told or introduced to new relationships untill much longer than 4 months.

XiCi · 15/09/2012 17:57

I think you already know things arent right here or you wouldnt be posting. He sounds like he's messing you around tbh and I certainly wouldnt be thinking of moving in or introducing him to your children. Youve been together 4 months. If 2 people are really into each other this is usually the best time in a relationship, cant get enough of each other, carefree etc etc. What Im trying to say is that things shouldnt be this complicated and fraught so early on and if he's like this from the beginning he's not going to change. Its up to you whether you want to put up with this shit. All this talk of having things he needs to sort out himself and not being over his divorce doesnt bode well, and added to the facebook thing, sounds like your not that important to him, sorry. Id ask him to go and sort out whatever it is he needs to sort out and come back if and when he's ready for a relationship, otherwise you will continue to be played with.

wannaBe · 15/09/2012 18:00

I think the word love is far too overused - you've been together four months, you love each other, fine, but we do have an expectation that we will use that word iyswim. Maybe he's just not ready to actually say it.

I hate any pictures of me being put up on the internet let alone being tagged in them so I don't see an issue with him not being tagged on fb (and fwiw I think that facebook being a thing you're concerned about is an overreaction - it's a website fgs).

Tbh I think you are massively overthinking this. You are together, he's happy with things the way they are, yes he's talked about moving in but hasn't pinned you down to a date - my dh talked about living together just months after we got together - we didn't actually live together for another two years after that.

Just chill and take the relationship as it comes - remember it's only been a matter of months...

XiCi · 15/09/2012 18:01

And also the lovey dovey one moment and cold the next sounds very controlling to me. Youll probably get more advice re this sort of behaviour in relationships

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 15/09/2012 18:09

He wants all the best bits of you without haing to make any commitment, and if you stopped being quite as fun and easy as you are at the moment, then he would be gone like a shot.

ProphetOfDoom · 15/09/2012 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NowThenWreck · 15/09/2012 21:08

Um. It does sound as though you are pushing for something very serious, very early on.
Why would you even consider moving in with someone you have been going out with for 4 months??
You are just dating.There is no need to rush things, particularly when kids are involved.
I think, perhaps, you are being a bit needy, and he is a bit wary of this.
Honestly, I wouldn't even be having theses kinds of conversations at this point.
Have some fun, get to know him properly (which imo take at least a year) and maintain your own life.