the inlaws, dp and his ex.

[Rachog]

Sil has invited Mil and dp's ex round for the day. Dp went to drop dsd off with her mum at his sisters and has ended up staying to "do the garden". His mum asked him to drop her off rather than picking her up on the way.

I am.sat at home with our 9 week.old baby, our invite obviously lost in translation.

Mil has dsd several days and.nights a week but has only seen ds 3 times and the last of those was 5 weeks ago, when dp took him.down there, she won't come here despite being welcome. The only time she did come she ignored me completely not so much as a hello.

I am not the.other woman and didn't even meet dp until he and his ex had been split up 2 years.

So aibu to be annoyed that they are all up there enjoying the.sunshine like a happy family while we.are sat at home like we don't exist.

Sorry to hear you are sat at home on your own with a new baby. I can understand you are hurt by your mil's actions.

However I think it is really good that your DP is still on speaking terms with his ex as are his family. It makes for a much happier childhood for your DSD.k

Hope he is home soon

YANBU, I would be upset too.

YANBU, I wouldn't be happy about it.

Can you pop round there yourself, be bright and breezy, have a cuppa then say come on dp, time to go?

How well do you get on with his ex?

YANBU to be upset, but just from another perspective, how lovely for your stepdaughter to be able to have her mum, dad & grandmother all together & being civil. I think that's probably pretty rare (unthinkable in my personal situation for example).

Your MIL shouldn't ignore you in your own home or favour one child over another, but that is nothing to do with your dsd, so please be careful to separate the issues.

hopeforever I agree its nice that they anre all friendly I just think its wrong for dp to be invited but not us especially when ex is there, like they are trying to pretend we don't exist and turn back the clock to them all being a happy family.

evasmum I get on ok with his ex, we're not exactly beat friends but very civil and have spent time together before, it is Mil that hates me.

kenleeee I only mentioned how she is with dsd to show that the lack of interest she has shown in ds is not just how she is. She has 4 grandchildren altogether and regularly sees the other 3 ACDSee times a week.

Several not ACDSee, don't know where that came from.

Why does mil hate you? Do you know that or just feel pushed out? If she treats you badly then your dh should speak to her.

I'm not sure if this is what she's going for but I have a feeling it would suit her down to the ground if you got upset and there was an argument between you and your partner because of this. Maybe bring up how you felt when he gets back and explain it from your perspective? I'm sure if he's supportive your partner will want to reassure you and see it from your POV and see how you'd feel left out.

YANBU sorry you're fed up. Do you get on all right with SIL normally, if so keep her "on side". It's admirable that MIL has stayed close to your DP's ex and dsd but it's a shame she doesn't feel the need to build closer ties to you and your DS.

Last thing you want to do is sound possessive or jealous or make DP feel he is piggy in the middle. You've not done anything wrong and no reason for this to escalate.

I would gently suggest to DP that another weekend you maybe meet up with MIL on neutral territory for a cuppa, keep it low-key, with any luck she won't feel she's being disloyal to DP's ex.

yanbu

YANBU to be upset, but just from another perspective, how lovely for your stepdaughter to be able to have her mum, dad & grandmother all together & being civil. I think that's probably pretty rare (unthinkable in my personal situation for example).

Bit too Happy Families for the current circumstances though, no? That would be ok if the OP and new baby were there too. Howeverm they're not.

How well do you get on with SiL OP?

And do you know what MiL's problem is? What does your partner say?

Yanbu

It doesn't sound like your dp was properly 'invited'. He was there to drop off his dd and ended up staying and chatting. There isn't really anything wrong with that unless you were expecting him back soon for something.

I sometimes end up having a cp of tea with my ex mil and ex dp if I'm dropping my dc over at theirs, I would be quite pissed off if my husband got stroppy about that. Granted, he hasn't just had a baby, but my ex and his family are part of my dc's lives, therefore they are part of mine, and I don't see why I should hide that.

Your dp was probably just doing a nice thing by helping with the garden, and even if it was just an excuse, he's not doing anything wrong. I understand why you are pissed off being stuck home alone, but it will be so nice for your DSD to have her Mum and Dad and Nan all being nice to each other, and that has to come first IMO.

Surely you weren´t invited as your husband wasn´t supposed to stay?

Is he to "blame" for not just dropping off his daughter or not coming back for you when he realised he would stay?

Does he see his daughter often-perhaps he wanted more time with her?

melodypondering I know she hates me because I treat dsd the same as my own dc and she thinks we shouldnt. For example if my Dd and dsd (both the same.age) are doing something they shouldn't be, she thinks we should only tell Dd off and not dsd because she doesn't live with us so we should never upset her or say no. Dsd is generally good, she is a lovely child and doesn't expect special treatment, dp's ex doesn't expect her to have special treatment, just Mil.

thebirdierer that is probably exactly.what she is going for, they all have a lovely day and then dp comes home an gets an earful from me making him wish he had stayed up there with them.

donkeys I get on ok with sil so I thought. Having a cuppa with Mil is not an option. We used to go down there every week for dinner or a catch up but i'm not welcome anymore and she has an.open invite to come here and.chooses not to.

Your DP needs to tell her you feel pushed out and unwelcome in general. There is no need to mention his ex. Just tell him she is making you unhappy and if she has a problem she needs to speak to you.

"Your DP needs to tell her you feel pushed out and unwelcome in general."

Why?

Why doesn´t he just make sure that he includes OP?

When your DP gets home don't give him any earache ant try to keep your hurt feelings inside.

Then at some point soon ask him for help to get MIL onside. Point out that you'd have liked to be part of the lovely day they all had but didn't want to just barge in uninvited.

Suggest that he helps you to build a relationship with her for the sake of all of the children

In future offer to drop DSD off for him so MIL can't lure him into the house every time. Alternatively make sure you're all together in the car when she's dropped off so you all have to be invited in.

He only started off by going over there to drop off his child. That's not excluding the OP.

nannyogg that is exactly the point I am getting at. Fine if we are all there but to orchestrate it so dp and ex are there but we're not just seems wrong.

outraged perhapse you are right, I just feel that Mil has set it up on purpose to exclude us, she needs.to accept that we are dp's family too and she can't pretend we don't exist just because she prefers his ex.

diddl we had dsd with us Mon - wed and again Friday morning till dp just dropped her off. There are no formal days as such, just as it suits his ex but he does pend a lot of time with her. I see your point about him not being to blame, i just think its inappropriate knowing that ur dp and ds are not welcome but staying with his ex anyway.

Because if she hasn't communicated it strongly enough to him he might not think it's as bad as it is?

"Because if she hasn't communicated it strongly enough to him he might not think it's as bad as it is? "

What-that his mother doesn´t see their son often, expects the 2 daughters to be treated differently-& he needs it spelling out?

Your mil sounds horrible. If it weren't for your DSD I'd be saying that your dh should be telling her that the two of you come together and she either treats you both well or sees neither of you, but your dh is stuck between a rock and a hard place because his Mum has such a strong relationship with his dd.

Bloody hell Didi!! What's eating you?