to wonder if I am doing a diservice to my children

[Megan74]

by not sending them to loads of activities.

We live in London. I am only mentioning that because I wonder if this is one of those London things. I have 2 DCs both in primary school (5 and 7). DS plays football once a week and DD doesn't go to any clubs/activities. I have offered and we have tried a few things out but she doesn't want to pursue any. The only time I have forced her is when I have paid upfront but as she tends to lose interest quickly I generally pick things that are not paid upfront for too long.

Both go to after school club a few times a week as I work so we are limited in terms of time. Our weekends are spent doing family day trips, such as going to the park, walks by the river that type of thing. We normally fit a swimming session in as well. I have taken the view that I will introduce them to different things and if they like it I shall try and follow it up but I haven't pushed them. Apart from DS's football my two spend most of their weekends playing.

I have noticed from talking to some friends that I am an oddity. Their children are doing a wide range of activites. They are all swimming really well, doing ballet exams etc. Should I be more pushy in getting them interested in something? Particulalry, DD as she gives things up so easily? I have been floating about thinking she will just pick something up and enjoy it when the time is right and she was too young.

Some children don't like structured activities. DS1 hated them. Swimming lessons were fine until he moved up the groups but when it moved to Thursday night rather than Saturday morning, he dropped it because he liked to go out on his bike after school. Kayaking, great! until I shelled out for the wet suit and he lost interest.

You introduce them to things. They may not like them or it's a passing fad.

TBH, I would cock an eyebrow at anyone who proclaims their child asks to do X Y Z, most of these activities are introduced by the parent who thinks it would be nice or everyone else is doing ballet/jazz tap/street dance/pony trekking

If she doesn't want to do any activities then I don't see the problem. A lot of lessons can be such a waste of money and time. We had to change our entire schedule to fit around a street dance lesson once just for DS2 to get bored after 4 weeks. The same with kickboxing, although he considers himself to be a fully trained "ninja" after 2 lessons. He has asked for guitar lessons for 2 years and I've only just agreed to it because of the price, £75 for seven 20 minute lessons! We should have all trained to teach guitar.
I'm sure if she wanted to do a lesson then she'd ask. I'd enjoy the free time until she decides to take up an activity.

Free time has to be at least as important as structured time at that age. I like to introduce mine to new activities, then let them decide what they want to pursue. Hard if you are surrounded with competitive types, who feel that more is better.

The only thing that really bothers me is the swimming. I feel DS needs a bit more time before swimming lessons as he still doesn't listen and messes about so I think he gets enough from just going with me. But DD is now 7 and refuses to go for lessons and still can't swim well - maybe 5m. My friends 5 year old has almost finished his badges and can swim a length. It's when I hear that I think I should push her more. But then maybe she will just pick swimming up .

I do send DS to swimming, because he enjoys it. I did send him to rugby but he really didn't like it and my feeling is that I should be encouraging him to do things he likes doing, particularly active stuff, as he would like to sit around playing computer games as his first choice.

I don't think YABU, but what is she doing at home if she is not doing an activity. If she is passively sitting about (like DS would do if I didn't gee him up a bit) then I think I would 'make her go' to swimming lessons. If she is doing active play I wouldn't be worried.

A little thing you might think about is that if you send your DS to lessons, she will possibly end up in the same group as him? Would she not like to try and get a bit further ahead, IYSWIM? [powerofpsychology]

Thanks Nagoo. She is active all the time. Always climbing, running, playing on the monkey bars, etc at school. There just seems to be this expecatation that children need to be 'doing' all the time. I don't recall that when I was young.

I work full time so ds3 goes to after school club most days. He occasionally goes home with a friend and goes to Beavers one evening a week. He has a swimming lesson on a Saturday morning. Most of his friends go to several different clubs but we just don't have time to fit anything else in.

That said, I didn't work full time when ds's 1 & 2 were younger and they didn't do much more than this.

Children have to have time to be, well, children. Far too much emphasis on structured activities IMHO. I know parents who fill up every hour after school, running themselves, and the children into a frazzle. No child needs 3 hours of activities after school every night. A lot of it one-up-man-ship going on.

I don't remember any of this when we were growing up. I had affluent parents, but we played out and we read a book shock horror for down time. My primary had a swimming pool and my friends dad used to take us every Sunday morning, but that was it.

my DS's don't do very much - i have taken the same stance as you, megan. and i think that their brains need the time to process school stuff, without having to contend with other stuff.
i did insist on swimming lessons though, until they could both swim independently; but that was from a safety point of view.

Although my DC do actually do a lot of activities, the only one I have ever insisted on is swimming, because, IMO, swimming saves lives. As they get older, it can also be a social activity - my 11 and 13 yo DDs sometimes meet up with friends at the pool, for a fun swimming session. It is also a really good way of keeping fit, as you get older. So, in my view, a good thing!

Why not try some one to one sessions? They are obviously more expensive, but you are not paying to watch your DC mucking about at the end of the pool while it's someone else's turn to have the teacher's attention (if your DC are anything like my DS).

I'm not inclined to push them that age either. My DTs are 5 and do swimming on a Saturday and thats it. DD tried ballet last term and seemed keen, then suddenly refused to go. They're at after school every night, so not much chance there. She did turn down a street dance class she had been very keen on trying, so I guess the dance phase has passed!

I think it's at least as good for them to be coming up with their own activities at home, as long as there is activity, which sounds like yours are very active.

I am normal then. I am on the waiting list for 1 to 1 lessons but they are like gold dust here. I have found lessons a waste of time as out of the 30 minutes they only swim for about 7 minutes as there is so much waiting at the side. I think I shall continue with taking them swimming until the 1 to 1 lessons come up.

They are busy drawing chalk all over a cardboard box at the moment

I never did much myself when young, I think my parents didn't push us into doing things so we only did the activities we really wanted to. Which worked for us.

For the swimming, maybe you could set out a goal, i.e. when they can swim 50m or (or whatever), then they can stop going. But until then, you'll drag them along! It might give them more incentive to learn and not mess about, to get it over quickly, but still get to a point where they're reasonably proficient.

"we should have all trained to be guitar teachers". Cue hollow laugh. Dh is one. He doesn't charge as much as that but we are not exactly rolling in it. I wish people would realise they are not just paying for the 30 mins with the teacher. They are paying for materials prep, planning, all the admin involved in booking (and changing) lessons, all your infrastructure including it, heating and lighting your home in those work hours and the inevitable chats with the teacher about why little johnny isn't on grade 8 yet (the answer inevitably being "because he doesn't practise enough). The hourly rate doesn't just cover the contact time. To put it into perspective dh teaches 25 hours a week on a good week, he works about another 20 to service this. At £22 per hour with no holiday pay, sick pay or pension it isn't exactly a money spinner.

Sorry to hijack thread op. in answer to your question, I din't think there is any point forcing it. Dd1 dies ballet, drama and swimming. She loves them but if she didn't I wouldn't make her go.

It's fine to follow what the child wants to do. As long as they are aware that other activities exist, and that you will (without making unlimited promises!) make it possible for them to have a go when they want to try something out, then it's fine.

And much, much easier on the parent than dealing with DCs who do lots of stuff (DD in particular is hideously over scheduled this term, not by design, it sort of crept up on us).

Do bear in mind that in London, some parents will be building their child's CV if they are thinking, even only in the vaguest terms, about the possibility of private education for secondary.

Sorry twofalls, I didn't mean to imply anything, it was just a silly, throwaway comment. We know why the lessons are so expensive and we are happy to pay if my son actually puts in the effort to practise.

at building a childs CV. I am living in a crazy place.

Op, I think what you're doing is right for your family and I wouldn't worry a bit. I say this as the parent of a child who has always done lots of activities! Horses for courses.

I think it is absolutely fine to take your cue from your children - there is no moral 'good' in doing tonnes of after school stuff (but then neither is it necessarily OTT - depends on the child and their motivations). Mine don't do a vast amount - Guides for dd and after an school drama club.....swimming for ds and football. Frankly, i cant be arsed to be ferrying them around hither and thither . Both learn a musical instrument but lessons are during school time. I agree that dc need some kick back and relax time. However, like another poster I have the problem with ds that when left to own devices he defaults to hours of computer games. For that reason, and for that reason only (i.e. Not because I am a pushy parent) I am going to arrange another after school activity for him; pondering cubs at the moment.

YANBU, I have this same issue with my two, karate has been tried and discarded, as has ballet. Starting swimming now reluctantly but there seems to be a disdain for any sort of organised activity! I loved doing different clubs when I was younger but thinking back I was probably older and able to choose for myself. Its hard when you hear of other children who are already so accomplished at 5 though!

No problem thingmajigs, just a sensitive point at the moment . And success will depend on practice. Dh says 5 or 10 mins a day is much better than an hour once a week.

Thanks mama.

I think there are also situations where you start small and it snowballs /- DD started dancing once a week, she loves it and decided she wanted to compete so now goes 3 times a week - all her choice but not in my plans and quite frankly a pita and costly for us. However when you add that into brownies (she asked to go) and a swimming lesson then all of a sudden the week is filling up.

And if you do it for one you have to do it for all...

That said I do know one girl who has extra curricular stuff every day after school, plus all day Saturday and Sunday mornings, her Sunday afternoons are spent doing homework and music practise . Her parents are hoping for a scholarship and feel these things will help and they are doing the best for their child. However she has no friends

Children need to learn how to be 'bored'. These poor children who have every moment scheduled must really struggle when they have nothing to do. My DC's are now 14 and 12, did very little structured activity but were very good at building dens out of cardboard boxes and blankets and are great readers now. Like you I switched from group swimming lessons (too many children fanning around including mine) to individual lessons and in just a term the difference was amazing.

Now they chose what activities they do and the 14 yr old plays club hockey, and is in various school clubs including football, running and journalism after manyyears of refusinf tocdocanycclubs. The 12 ys old plays rugby at both club and school, again he was a refusenik until about three years ago. He chose to start ballet at the age of 8 and is just about to sit his grade 6 exam which shows you do not have to e doing these things from a young age to succeed.

I doo wonder if the children 'encouraged' from a young age are the same ones now doing very little sport or activities.

Keep up the good work OP and let your little ones just be.

Oops sorry about the typo's - iPad too clever for me!

I don't think there is any need to jam pack children's free time with activities. My DD is 6 and goes Swimming,to Rainbows (probably not much different to going to after school club in terms of activities tbh), and trampolining. Three things is the limit!

She would do more as she loves social groups, but I think free time is also important. However I do believe that perseverance is important too, and getting involved with one or two hobbies is a good thing.